Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

I've known a couple, but they were both old alkie types who eventually got banned from every pub in town on account of their pantshittery.

Indeed !
Bad enough that the H is trying to get OP to be the fall guy for his disgusting behaviour, but almost worse that some posters think it’s an appropriate time to hand out driving tips. Some posters seem to get enraged about people having self limits on their driving abilities, I don’t know why. I have been driving for years, I prefer a small car and would avoid driving a big expensive car unless I absolutely had to, I am not sure why this is a problem for anyone except myself.

Do you have any friends you could practise a long trip with? I used to be nervous about driving long distances but once you’ve done it once, it gets easier and it’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

Wow. Just read that you didn’t go. Poor you and poor kids. We’ve all been there and had too much to drink, though I’ve never been so pissed that I shit myself. If I had done though, I’d be embarrassed forever tbh and frankly I’d have dragged my hungover arse out of bed/the sofa and would have made sure I didn’t ruin the weekend for my family.

To then hear that not only did he turn you all around after 40 minutes but cancel his annual leave when he could have gone out with you on days out is lower than a snake’s bollocks. Not fair at all. He sounds like a self obsessed dickhead. Sorry

She also has a small car which wouldn’t fit all the stuff in. Plus if her dh hadn’t been such a piss head none of that would matter

pantshittery

OMG I nearly shat myself laughing reading that - new word to be added to OED 2025.

Is he not even a tiny bit remorseful? Does he not feel even a little bit bad that he’s wrecked it??

That would be the dealbreaker for me. Not taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Not another criticising OP for not driving. This is about her ordeal because of her nightmare husband. She deserves support. She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about not driving. She’s thinking about her kid’ safety fgs!

The only words coming out of his mouth should be "I am so sorry". I actually can't believe he has the audacity to say you should have gone without him, as though turning back is your fault. And then cancelling his leave... He should be thinking only of what he could do to make your life easier and make a start on making it up to you. What's his reasoning for cancelling leave?

I am all for you taking steps to be able to go alone in future if you wish to but now isn't that time. He alone has ruined your plans. Some crazy and mean posts on this thread.

Agreed. You should only drive distances/motor ways if you feel confident doing so. I was a newish driver when my kids were young and wouldn’t have felt able to do it either. I was in a pretty bad car accident last year and am still not confident in driving at night/on dual carriageways esp when my teens are in the car. Not saying I won’t ever be, but just now I am too nervous to be safe, for myself/passengers and other road users. Op recognises her limitations… and it would not have been an issue if DH hadn’t been a selfish, immature wanker, would it?

I feel pretty useless right now reading the comments here about driving and he has compounded that with what he said.

Treat it as a wake up call, OP. Do the "Pass Plus" thing to build your confidence, and get a trusted friend or your mum to sit with you while you get some motorway practice.

And maybe consider some assertiveness training, so you have the confidence to stand up to him when he comes out with all this bullshit.

FFS how hard is it ? There are THREE PEDALS … Go, stop and change gear if it’s a manual .. and go , stop . If an automatic.. there is no fucking rocket science to it !! Women being weedy about driving is just that ! Weedy !!

if you can drive a Ford fiesta you can drive a bloody Ferrari..

Well he's a complete arsehole isn't he? After his performance on Friday night, instead of being apologetic and wanting to make it up to you all, he can't deal with his own kids and cancelled the holiday.

He has shown his true colours. He is a useless dad and and a shitty (no pun intended) father. He also owes your mum an apology for Friday night as she needed to get out of bed and drive to your house to look after your kids while you dealt with the incontinent twat that you married.

You need to get angry, not upset. He is in no position to make you feel useless and inadequate.

Totally agree I feel so sorry for the children and I think you both need to sort your priorities out

How is this helpful to the OP? MN is supposed to be about supporting other parents.

I hope they are young enough to not really understand or be disappointed.

Thye are both under 4 and a child of any age can see, sense and hear disruption and chaos in the home. They have sensed their mothers change of mood from joyous looking forward to a holiday - to despair trying to rescue him on Fri eve, to clearing up his literal shit, to tip-toeing around his volatile mood, to be taken out of the home to give the cunt with the bear head 'peace' - to have set off on the trip after 48hrs of chaos - to then them being verbally abused and emotionally violated by this thug of a coke/pisshead and then turned aroun to go home.

Every child - even in the womb - is impacted by this level of domestic abuse leveled at their DM and directly at themselves. They end of terrified - and no they dont understand - they internalise it all confused and afraid - which leads to anxiety and acting out.

All children need a calm and peaceful home to feel safe and loved. They need certainty and routine and to feel that their caregiver is in control and safe - in order that they develop emotionally.

Wow some people are completely obsessed with other people's driving skills! Totally missing the point of the thread and kicking someone when they're down is just bizarre behaviour.

You poor love. Please ignore the posters who are turning this on you. Its not about driving (although I agree you need to practice, and you will when you are in a better place). But I've been there, married to an alcoholic who did everything to say it was my fault. My fault for nagging, for being too driven, too organised, too controlling. He turned back this weekend to turn it back on you. He wants to blame anything but himself, the drink. The frievds, the kids. Imagine for one second what would have happened if you did what he did ? You'd be on your knees apologising. Don't stay, dont make excuses for him .don't be me. What would you say to your best friend if it happened to her ?

What on earth is a “man car”. Your poor children :( You need to grow a backbone and crack on with the holiday without him. Unless you have a two seater car then of course you can fit you and the kids in

Don't go without him!!! That means he's had a night out on the lash and then gets 4 days to lounge and have 'me time'. There's no way that's okay. I'd go and then expect him to do the lion's share of childcare while you relax. The punishment should fit the crime.

To then hear that not only did he turn you all around after 40 minutes but cancel his annual leave when he could have gone out with you on days out is lower than a snake’s bollocks. Not fair at all. He sounds like a self obsessed dickhead. Sorry

Tbh I wouldn't want him anywhere near me right now. Have a lovely couple of days op, doing anything you and the kids feel like and leaving him to stew. And earn all the money at work for you to spend

So many men kill women's confidence with driving by criticising at every opportunity. I've shut that down frequently by pointing out their bad decisions if they choose to have a go at me for the slightest issue!!
You have to accept that he had no intention of going on this break. It was just a few days but he chose drinking instead. He will never 'man up' for a family holiday so you either learn to pack more efficiently or get yourself a bigger car. Meet up with friends or family to make it more fun. You need to be more confident with your behaviour and accept he will continue to abdicate from his family responsibilities 😢

This is not about you being worried about driving his car. Don't let him gaslight you. This is about him getting very drunk when he shouldn't have and as a result, ruining a family holiday.

Unless he shows some real remorse here I would be quietly preparing for a possible future without him.

Many people have had a few too many before something the next day. The vast majority have had to “man / woman up” & get on with it despite their hangover. By the time kids are around most men have the sense to take it easy if they know they are taking the family away the next day!! DH’s friend group have got in some states. Now they are all dads they don’t bat an eye at one of the group taking it easy or drinking 0% and taking the car if they have a big thing on the next day.

Once you have got through this week OP, I would be telling your DH he needs to pay for driving lessons for you, with an instructor, in his car - you should both be able to drive each car in case of emergency, if one car is out of action eg at a garage.

This will help your confidence massively & hopefully he starts to panic a bit realising you don’t need him as much as he thinks you do.

He didn’t ever want to go did he - it looks
like all of this was simply a ploy not to go