Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

People!!! Some really makes it hard is it… surely they are invited isn’t it?

You told them. They won’t receive an invite. Tada! Maybe loose your phone too…

Just go on a family holiday & come back married! That’s what I did, when you get back you can if you wish have a welcome home reception thing so no one feels left out. I got married in Florida & didn’t tell anyone, it cost £500, my dress from Very & the person marrying us took photos & supplied flowers too. Afterwards we went to Dunkin doughnuts & played crazy golf! Perfect!

Elope. As long as you have each other, you don't need anyone else there.

This is such a beautiful post, your daughter has a wonderful mum

Just get married on your own. Nobody has a right to be there with you, enjoy your wedding your way, and I wish you every happiness

Of course just do what you want to do.

But, you must tell them in advance. They will be upset and feel betrayed if they find out after the fact or from someone else.

My DDL’s family are a nightmare so when she married my DS my DDL suddenly decided she’d had enough of the family arguments her family were causing and cancelled it all. What she then did was phone Princess Cruises (myself & DH happened to have a holiday booked with them for my birthday which was 6 weeks away ) and she booked the wedding package on that same cruise. We had a lovely time, they got married halfway through the cruise, it was intimate and a couple of guests from the cruise asked if they could come and watch and she said yes to them so there was just them us and our Grandson who ‘gave her away’. It was a perfect day for them thankfully and she was totally happy with her day. The other option that comes to mind is Vegas, my brother didn’t tell any of the family he was getting married and just flew to Vegas and phoned my Mum from there telling her he’d got married. Obviously she was a bit upset but then she decided to look on the positive side and said it saved her a fortune and lots of stress & money! Personally if I were you I’d go ‘on holiday’ and just get married and tell them after. Weddings are so expensive nowadays and you could always have a party or take the parents out for a special meal after. Remember, it’s YOUR special day, everyone else has had there day, so it’s not their business how and when you decide to do it.

And they will spend the whole “in advance” period trying to persuade OP and her fiance to change her mind. Much better to tell them when they can’t stress about it.

I completely agree. Thats why I said above that the only way to tell them is afterwards.

Their reactions and feelings will be the same, but the difference with telling them afterwards is that the OP and her H2B will have had the wedding they want and its too late to change anything. Beforehand it will be months of emotional blackmail, manipulation and push back. I can hear it now "Your grandmother will be heartbroken and she might die soon! How can you do that to her?!"

Nope. Go away and do it, but make sure that they are the first people that get told on return. Cant remember how old the OP's kids are, but if they are old enough to have phones then they are old to understand total radio silence to EVERYONE on this before Granny gets told.

OP, DH and I buckled under the pressure of his Mum wanting the wedding she wanted us to have. We ended up with a church wedding, sit down meal for 50 people and an evening do for 150.

Me and DH wanted to go off abroad and get married, just the 2 of us. We were fairly young and just didn’t stand up for ourselves. We got married 28 years ago, and a few years ago MIL was reminiscing about our ‘wonderful’ wedding. DH told her that it wasn’t what we’d wanted and we only did it because she’d put us under so much pressure. She was very upset but DH said it was good to finally have the reality out there. We don’t have such fond memories of the day and the best bit of it was when we had an hour by ourselves when we hid behind the bar!

So, I guess what I’m saying is, do what you and your DP want and everyone else can jog on - you want to have great memories of your day and not have to look back and know it wasn’t what you wanted. Just don’t discuss wedding plans at all, maybe just say you are planning a looooooong engagement 😉

Or, which would be my advice, don’t tell anyone. Or at least not for years.

I would agree except that the family are already piling the pressure on because of the engagement ring. So I think that unless they say "Actually, we got married last week on holiday!" it will continue and probably get worse the longer they leave it. Have similar people in my family and they dont get bored, they get worse!

Definitely, just do it- there is no way you can break it to your family that you don't want them at your wedding that will be acceptable to them, there is no way to let them down gently, telling them you just don't like being watched will just make you sound strange- so just do it and tell them when it is done.

You DP needs to go to his parents and tell them that there isn’t going to be a wedding ceremony! He needs to be upfront and honest with them and tell them that you’re planning to book a holiday and get married while there with just the children present!!
You need to do the same with your parents.. just be honest and say you do not want a wedding with guests …

My brother just emailed my mum on his wedding day and told her they were getting married at x time and that was that….. she was a bit shocked but non of us cared that we weren’t there, we didn’t really have time to get worked up…

I've only read your posts OP so may have been suggested but I would strongly hint to family about a registry do in 3 years time while secretly booking wedding abroad for 2 years time. When you return it can be a oops look what we did type of thing. You shouldn't have to but it sounds like being upfront with them will only lead to you and OH being bullied into something you both don't want. This is your wedding, you're both on the same page, have the day you want or you will regret it for evermore.

Hi, your a lady from my same heart.
We got married in a local registry office and we took one cousin and one sister to do the witnesing..
We went around the bars and fished off in a cabab take away.. Haha.
We didn't tell close family only mothers. Off we went to a great start. 40 yrs still going strong. 3 kids and 5 grandkids.
You don't need all the big do to be happy.
I've seen big weddings. Before you know it is over.
Not everyone but alot.
You do what is best for you. Have a great day when you do it..

This was our situation, except both been married before and I hated my first wedding for all the reasons you set out, being the centre of attention just isn’t my idea of fun.

We got married at Gretna Green, just us and the kids and a set of friends to be the formal witnesses. Best decision ever, lovely relaxed day.

Most of the family were fine, my DM was upset and still makes digs about it. The irony is that she did exactly this when she married my SD and we weren’t invited as she thought it was crass to have her kids there.

So plan what you’d like, tell them after. If you tell them before you will just get pressure to add them or have a ‘party’ etc. Retain control of the plans and focus on your special day.

My daughter had a small wedding last year and invited almost no family. Not because of any bad feelings, they simply preferred it that way. As 'mother of the bride' I threw them a big celebration at my home a few weeks before, with caterers, flowers etc. That soothed any hurt family feelings and I enjoyed making a fuss of them!

100% do this!

Just have your day and tell them well after the event. I know a few people who have done this. It’s your day, not theirs.

i bet your wedding isn’t half as important to other people as you seem to assume it is OP @mostimportantaspect im sure they have other things to worry about, especially if they’re not in good health and disabled

Same, but I’d rather know the plan in advance and probably feel a bit hurt if I was very close and found out after the fact.

Yep!! If my sister came to me and said they’re going to get married just them somewhere on x date and mentioned maybe doing a meal to celebrate at some point after I’d be more than happy for them. I would be shocked to be told after they had already got married. I’m quite a reasonable person and I get why people do things different so would much rather people just tell me in advance

Why would it be any better though? The end result is still the same.