Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

For me yes it would be much preferred, I would question how close we were if they didn’t feel they could tell me.

It sounds like a wonderful way to get married. Much more fun than lots of people sitting in a big dining hall listening to a load of speeches. It’s you and DP’s wedding and your choice how you wish to mark it, just as other family members chose their own weddings. They sound very childish to make this all about them. Enjoy yourselves!

We organized our wedding with 5 weeks notice. Immensely useful in reducing the guest list.

Just do what you and dp want to do! Myself and dh (both 2nd marriages if that makes any difference?) decided we didn’t want a big flashy wedding, would rather have a big party later, got married with our best friends as witnesses and our kids, we had a moment of guilt and invited our parents at the last minute, as we decided they would never forgive us if we didn’t! Never did get round to the big party…

In my opinion weddings are not just about the couple. They are a public statement of commitment.
Having said that though I am wondering why you haven’t done it already. If you don’t want the rigmarole of invitations and seating plans etc there is nothing to plan. Just do it. And tell your family afterwards.

This! We had a private wedding me my husband and his 3 daughters and partners end of. We didn’t tell anyone else until afterwards - saved a lot of grief.

@mostimportantaspect we went to Cyprus to get married just ourselves
We did tell everyone we wanted it like this
We had to get a license in courthouse and a legal ceromny in registry office and then wedding in chaple

I had a very intimate wedding. We just didn't invite people or extended family we didn't want there. They may well have been unhappy about it but they never said it to me so it wasn't an issue.

We did invite people to celebrate with us if they wished to at our local pub on the wedding night. People turned up, didn't seem upset they weren't at the ceremony bit. We told them a week before (I wanted to wait until the actual day but thought we should give some notice)

Correct. Just get married as you choose and let them know once it's done. If you really feel you must tell them before the event, do so as close to the time as possible to ensure they cannot possibly try to find a way to get there.

They sound very unreasonably demanding and no matter what you do will find a way to throw a fit, so grey rock any attempts to do that, make it clear it won't be up for discussion. We train people how to treat us when we allow or disallow bad behaviour.

Enjoy your lovely, small wedding in the destination of your choice.

We got married with our two witnesses, went to the pub afterwards for a meal. Then 6 weeks later we had a garden party at home for friends and family. A great success with no press on us or the guests and everyone was really happy for us.
Just do it !

This sounds perfect for a couple who don’t want fuss, so glad to hear they had a long marriage

If I were in your situation, I would just do it as soon as you possibly can very quietly and say nothing , that way you don’t have to lie or make excuses. You can just deliver it as a fait acompli once it’s all done.

I think if you have no one there other than your kids it will be hard for them to get too annoyed as they can't say but why was Bob there and not me. You just say it was an elopement, we didn't want anyone there except the two of us and the kids to keep it very small. I would let them have an engagement party if they want one but tell them you don't have time to organise it. Some of them will be annoyed but as you say they need to get over it and realise it's not about them.

Information diet, tell dp to stop talking about it/answering questions. Do what you want, quietly whatever. Just shut down any conversations.

I think it should be your decision. It is not as if you are excluding certain people. You just want it to be between your partner and yourself and your children. If you had decided to have a very small wedding with only a few people invited, it would no doubt have meant some who were not invited would be hurt.

As others have said, just do it and tell them afterwards.

I wish I’d done this. I hated being stared at. I hated the photos. I hated the emotional striptease of making vows in front of people. I wish we’d eloped.

For anyone thinking the same, travel agents offer destination wedding packages and sometimes last minute deals. They can be a lot cheaper than you expect, especially if you aren’t hauling a bunch of guests!

I had the traditional wedding first time and hated it. Parents took over and invited all their friends and I felt pushed into doing things their way. We decided to have a destination wedding for my second wedding and picked Cyprus. We did invite both sets of parents and my brother and family but there was only 11 of us including my 2 children. My mum did try and push for other relatives but I stood firm as it was our day but I did agree to a party back home. I loved every minute of my tiny wedding. No stress or dramas. We got married up in the mountains and came back to the hotel for photos and a meal on the terrace then took the kids to a water park the next day. It was a lot cheaper than a uk wedding and we even had a wedding planner that sorted everything out. My nephew and his wife eloped to New York and a close friend had a secret wedding and told most people afterwards. It’s your special day so do it your way and don’t be bullied into compliance. One thing to note though is you will need 2 witnesses so you’ll need to decide if you want strangers or to sneak your best friends along. Enjoy planning your special day.

just give them a date ffs. lie. yes all booked for summer of 2030 after wee billys gcses. cant wait. then get married summer of 2027

We told everyone we were getting married with just witnesses and the kids, and 5 weeks beforehand, my step-mum said she really wanted to be there. She'd been my mum since I was 11, so not like a normal step-mom. And so we then had 5 weeks notice to organise a bigger wedding and with just literally just witnesses and a very few friends that we both met, a new family and just my family and his family were both from big families. It was 74 people. But with 5 weeks notice, it meant that a lot of people couldn't come, so there was that that was a massive advantage.

Well it’s booked for 3 months time and we haven’t told anyone yet.

We are dreading telling the IL’s as we still think they will try to barge their way into it somehow. DP wants to tell them about 4 weeks before so it’s not hurtful to them that they find out from social media or via a photo on whatsapp, but short notice enough that it makes it harder for them to gatecrash.

I think a lot of people on this thread have been lucky enough not to encounter these types of people. They have an answer for everything. They know it all and whatever you say they will twist it to suit them. You can’t leave ANYTHING open to interpretation so saying in a roundabout way ‘it’s a long way for you to come’ they can’t read between the lines, they would come up with every solution available to force this on you, at any cost. Worse they would then COMPLAIN later ‘oh what a long way to come’

if you say we just want a tiny wedding with the kids, they would instantly start offering you babysitting opportunities to try to wangle their way in.

You tell them afterwards. Basically you elope

Indeed - call them from outside the register office, saying "We just got married!"

This is almost what we did when I married my exH - we called both sets of parents when we got home. They were nothing but pleased for us.

I was with friends recently and they were telling us, as if it was a great joke, that his sister had got married a few months back and had just wanted a small private wedding, so they turned up and watched anyway and booked a table in the same place they had booked for a little celebration meal afterwards.

I couldn't believe how gleeful they were that they had just trampled on this couples boundaries. I wouldnt tell people until after the event

Don’t give them 4 weeks notice! Just tell them when it’s done, 4 weeks is definitely enough time to gatecrash.

Why wouldn’t you just tell them clearly what your plans are? Of course they keep asking about your plans and are expecting to be invited when you haven’t told them what’s going on. Just tell them.