Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

DH and I went to Vegas, we wanted to be married we didn’t want a wedding, booked it all online in about half an hour and went for a great holiday that just happened to include a wedding.

Told family and friends before hand that we would be getting married while we were there and that no one was invited.

Personally I would be up front. It might well upset them but so will finding out after it happened. If you tell them like it is they'll be upset because they're not invited but if you don't say anything at all I think they'll be upset because they weren't invited and because they'll feel deceived.
We had a slightly similar issue in our family when my DD and her husband chose not to invite aunts/uncles/cousins to their wedding. There's no family rifts or anything, it's just that there are lots of them. Inviting them all would have meant hiring a much bigger venue or excluding all their friends and they decided it was best not to invite any of them than to only pick some. It was a bit awkward I can't deny, and some people were more understanding than others! Given where we all live it would actually have been quite easy not to inform quite a lot of the extended family but they would have found out eventually and that would have been adding insult to injury. If you don't make it clear you also run the risk of people making assumptions, buying their outfits and booking accomodation and then you being potentially emotionally blackmailed into changing your mind. My DD has one set of much younger female cousins and I thought it was quite likely that their parents would expect them to be bridesmaids so I made it very clear to them early on what the plan was. I didn't want the little girls to be disappointed but nor did I want DD to be forced into a bridal party she didn't want. So we felt that honesty was the best policy and even those who were offended seem to have got over it now.
One thing I would say though is that your close almost certainly want to be there because they love you, not because they want to make you uncomfortable or want to intrude. That doesn't obligate you to invite them of course but it's just something to bear in mind when processing their reactions. One of our relatives was particularly hurt about not being invited to the wedding and it was genuinely because she really adores DD and felt very sad about not being involved. She said a couple of uncharacteristically nasty things at the time but understanding why made that easier to take and she's since apologised.

We got married on a beach at sunset abroad with five of us in the wedding party. We didn’t want the big wedding, what we planned was what we wanted, and the majority of people fully accepted that. In fact, if they knew me well, they fully understood! When we returned, we had a big informal party with our friends and family, which was lovely. No speeches, no formal cake cutting, just a great night!

Do what makes you happy - it’s your day!

We just wanted as quiet as possible. Registry took the 2 witnesses and off we went on honeymoon didn't even tell family. A month later hired a hall and buffet family thought was an engagement but we announced we got married. Fortunately we knew our family so it went down with a laugh and we had a fun party night. Almost 6 years ago now and 4 kids on still happy as anything. Neither of us were into big traditional we did exactly what we wanted how we wanted 😁

One other reason we don’t want our parents there is because they are all physically disabled. Plus MIL will want her disabled mother there. This will mean everything will have to be catered entirely around their mobility and very limited options

We also think it will be boring for our kids because of course we would be expected to eat with them afterwards. Whereas we can offer to the kids to spend 30 mins signing some paperwork then go off do something exciting

So we can’t get married on a beach, or an old pretty place with wonky steps or anything remotely good. It would have to be somewhere flat with disabled access.

Plus I don’t really want all of their candid blurry photos of me unawares with my eyes closed plastered all over social media

One other reason we don’t want our parents there is because they are all physically disabled. Plus MIL will want her disabled mother there. This will mean everything will have to be catered entirely around their mobility and very limited options

We also think it will be boring for our kids because of course we would be expected to eat with them afterwards. Whereas we can offer to the kids to spend 30 mins signing some paperwork then go off do something exciting

So we can’t get married on a beach, or an old pretty place with wonky steps or anything remotely good. It would have to be somewhere flat with disabled access.

Plus I don’t really want all of their candid blurry photos of me unawares with my eyes closed plastered all over social media

My advice, just go and do it, and tell them after. We made the mistake of telling family first before marrying alone, and whilst my parents were supportive, (it was my 2nd marriage and I really didn't want guests there that had been at my first wedding as it felt hypocritical to me making the vows AGAIN). DH's parents went fucking crazy to the point we're non-contact now. I regret telling them our plans in advance as they completely ruined our whole engagement.

Go elope and enjoy every second of it!

Seems a bit confusing in terms of what you want. You don't want a wedding, but then you talk about your wedding plans that you want to make without your family. So it's more that you don't want to be limited by your family. I think the only way of doing this without causing huge offence is going to a registry office and telling them afterwards. But it sounds like you want a destination wedding, just with no one pissing on your chips.

We went to Gretna Green, told no one except my sister and his brother who both showed up the next day, and invited 2 cousins that lived nearby for dinner. We're from Ireland so my mother took the kids so we could have a weekend away. It was bloody perfect. I absolutely detest fuss, especially when it's on me.

So it’s fine to go down the route of just you and the kids, and random witnesses.

However, you can’t then talk about the choices and the preparation with people you won’t be involving.

So work out what you want, organise it and do it.

And all the while, ‘We’re eloping. We’ll make sure we get photos for you.’

When I got married, we travelled to a beautiful part of the country and married at a registry office.

He he had relatives there so they were our witnesses but we had no other guests other than the children. We all went out for a meal at a nice local restaurant and took some photos ourselves throughout the day.

It was a really nice, simple and quiet day.

We told people in advance that we were doing it that way. The only person who objected was my mother (who was also the main reason we did it that way!) She refused to acknowledge the marriage and stated that she didn't have a son in law. But she was a ridiculous woman in many ways. Everyone else was just pleased for us and some people said they'd wished they'd had the balls to do similar.

But your sisters did it that way BECAUSE they didn't want making a fuss of, why make it about YOU not being able to do someone else's wedding as you think it should be done?

I'm not having a go at you per se, I'm just a bit sore as my sister STILL occasionally mentions "not being invited to my own sister's wedding" to people she barely knows in front of me when she's had a drink, and how upsetting it was for her. It has tainted the whole memory and each time she does it I want to tell her how SHE is upsetting ME ruining the memories of my wedding and to stop being a cow. But I can't because then there would be a big falling out. Over a fucking wedding a quarter of a century ago, FGS.

So please be mindful to try and think of it as them having the wedding of their dreams and be thrilled for them, even though that was a very different idea to what YOUR dream wedding is. The only reason you should be disappointed is for your sisters' sakes, if they didn't get to have their wedding the way they wanted it because of other people's pressures and opinions. But they did, so it should be a happy ending with no resentment at all from anyone.

There is going to be a wedding. It will just be tiny. No I don’t want to be limited by them. I don’t want them there and I don’t want to go to a registry office either.

All I want to do is get married to the man I love in the way I want to

This is an issue that I object to - weddings do not belong to anyone else apart from the bride and groom

Be non commital with your answers. Go and do it quietly with just your husband and kids, and then tell them afterwards. Job done ✔️

I think if you don't want to keep it a secret from family for 1-2 years, then get on and do it. Why are you taking so long to do it if you want something really tiny?

Usually when couples plan weddings for two years it is to get a venue they want.

Either go abroad soon and do it, or if you don't have the money for that, then go to a nice town somewhere in the UK and just do it and tell them afterwards.

first post nails it.

This! We did have some family there, which made it a bit more awkward, but we essentially used this strategy to stop the questions.

Why don't you want to go to a registry office? This would make most sense for a tiny wedding. There are some really beautiful registry offices if that is what is worrying you. They are not all in awful 1960s civic buildings.

I eloped to Vegas, told no one, told people afterwards. Best decision ever.

Just tell them you're having a wedding in 2028 to shut then up, then elope and tell them after the fact.
We eloped, just the three of us and it was the best day and best decision for us. I don't regret it at all.

Although we weren't "engaged" as such as we just decided to get married and there was no proposal as such. So it was a complete shock to our families - but they were completely overjoyed.

Friends - a bit more annoyed but only because they didn't get a party.

we want to go abroad so would save up and that takes time

I know there are nice registry offices I just don’t want to get married in one

I am not obliged to do that if I don’t want to. I don’t know why that is an issue? Everyone I talk to suggests I have a wedding I don’t want and the type they think I should have. It’s really weird 😂

It depends really. If you want the kerfuffle before your wedding and are prepared to be really hardarse to your inlaws, tell them beforehand. If you want the kerfuffle after your wedding, then tell them afterwards. Me? I like a good kerfuff and would have no problem saying "You are not coming and I am not discussing it and if you keep on about it I will leave/end this convo."

I just got the idea you wanted to be married and not an actual wedding. But it seems that perhaps you want all the frou frou, but with nobody there. I think you just need to be honest with your families and tell them over and over that you are eloping

I feel like the only issue here is communication. You don't have to justify not inviting family OP (though if you did have to justify it the fact that they are disabled would be a bad reason...). But I think you do have to TELL them. It is potentially quite hurtful to discuss the wedding with them and fail to correct their assumption they are invited. Not inviting them should NOT be a big deal (my own parents eloped and told their families after the fact) but letting them get excited about the upcoming wedding, discussing it with them and then it gradually dawning on them that they are not invited, or letting them hear it from somewhere else, is potentially going to be quite humiliating and hurtful, and that COULD harm your relationship.

god forbid children have to suffer through sitting quietly or behaving for a whole hour or two of their own parents wedding AND lunch with their own grandparents.

op if you don’t think that’s reasonable to expect of your children for your wedding when do you expect some good behaviour from them? If ever?
‘our parents will take poor quality pictures of us and might share them on social media’ might be a new prizewinning entry for the Mumsnet trophy for ‘absolutely ridiculously trivial reasons people have seized on as excuses to not invite close family to their wedding’