Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Oh right, sorry. It's just I thought you saying "* *Why? Why is it? Why on earth would anyone be hurt at this?" meant that you had some difficulty understanding their feelings. Obviously I misinterpreted. Apologies.
Of course their wishes don't trump yours - do what you like. Personally I would acknowledge their feelings but be very up front about your plans and the fact that they are non negotiable. And make sure your partner speaks to his family so that they understand it's a joint decision and you are not painted as the bad guy. Whenever you tell them it's going to be difficult because you are not going to say what they want to hear. I would do it before the wedding if I were in your shoes. I think I'd enjoy the wedding more if the difficult conversations were out of the way beforehand rather than having the knowledge that they were still to come hanging over me.
I had a very difficult relationship with my ILs in the early years of my marriage (different nationality, different religion, different everything really) and that's the general approach that worked for me. Also remembering that their actions, no matter how much I disagreed were driven by their love for their son, not malice, made it easier to handle.

I think people can’t see how everyone has different families. We got married in Mexico with 4 guests but invited others knowing they wouldn’t come. But it would have been a legit thing to not invite anyone because our families are messy.

We both have divorced parents, my dad wouldn’t be in the same room as my mum, and my MIL wouldn’t be in the same room as my FIL or his mum. My brothers are both unemployed and having a million children/step children between them and I’d be responsible for clothing them and transporting them if we did it in the UK. My SIL doesn’t speak to my MIL and my DWs nan wouldn’t leave her dogs, but did her DSIL, so would have broken my DWs heart that DSIL was favourtised again.

So yeah, I am never going to regret my beautiful wedding day. I have plenty of other non-stressful memories of people who have died since. My wedding is still an amazing day

And if no-one wanted to get married, what then? You would only attend funerals? Sad, if so. I think the fact you only tend to see your relatives at weddings or funerals has put a greater importance on big traditional weddings for you, and perhaps others who have posted on this thread. Perhaps in families who see each other at other events or just at Christmas etc people are more open to family members having their weddings in the way they choose to?

Weddings are a chance to see extended family we don’t get to see that often - it would have been lovely to see them happy. But their choice and those are purely selfish reasons so no reason for me to even mention it to them.

Weddings are a chance to see extended family we don’t get to see that often - it would have been lovely to see them happy. But their choice and those are purely selfish reasons so no reason for me to even mention it to them.

Yes, that could well be.

One family is in Qatar and another in the States, and others are all around Britain. Various factions do meet up with some regularity, but it's usually wedding and funerals where every single member is there.

God, I used to be so much more radical and independent of family when I was young, and I can literally feel myself morphing into a powdered old lady who clucks at the young and thinks family ties are everything!

Mmmm. I also believed that when you got married, you married only your partner and NOT his family.

All I can say twenty years on is HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

I've done the expat thing. Hope you're prepared for some visits!

Yeah I feel sad for you too to be honest.

Relationships are built on the way we treat each other. If you can’t see that treating people badly has consequences in the way they feel about you then there really isn’t anything I can say.

Yes, I would love someone less if they excluded me due to a disability. That doesn’t make me transactional. That’s just how relationships work.

I’m going to say it one time, and then I’m unfollowing the thread and wish you all the best:

You can do whatever you like, on any day of your life including your wedding day. Other people will have feelings about your choices. That’s my one and only point.

Why do you need to wait so long? Are you going to the registry office? Just go and do it and tell them afterwards cba to keep a secret that long! You’ll end up giving in and pleasing everyone.

What awful, selfish and immature behaviour, though, to use emotional manipulation like that to make you change your plans of YOUR wedding, the one and only chance to do it the way you wanted. Why can others on this thread not see this? It's just not something that someone should ever interfere with, because it's not something that can be put right as the occasion happens only once.

Family members and friends should keep their opinions to themselves unless specifically asked, and even then, the most selfless thing to do (and if you are a loving parent being selfless is a natural instinct), would be to gloss over any disappointment that you feel, do not mention it at all and tell your child that you are thrilled that they are planning to have the day they have dreamed of.

As a parent just the thought of my child going through a full day of forced events they didn't want just to please me, having to smile through gritted teeth on wedding photos they didn't want, would just kill me, honestly. I would never get any enjoyment from looking back on those photos, knowing they didn't want any of it and weren't enjoying it. But normal holiday snaps of my child looking genuinely ecstatic and happy at their chosen wedding abroad, even though I am not there or on any of the photos, would bring me far, far greater and REAL happiness and pleasure.

Telll your family that you want a very quiet wedding and go ahead. Often it’s finding out that it was done in secret that hurts people. If anyone makes a fuss then stop engaging with them until after the wedding.

Don't know you from Adam, not trying to scare you. Just wanted to point out that what you do today set an example for your DC.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a small private wedding but to be so nasty about your disabled family members does make one wonders how you'd feel if your darling little DC do the same to your future disabled self when they get married. (Karma might be a superstition but hereditary illnesses are firmly rooted in science).
Do a little something nice now will go a long way.

Considering my parents don’t have passports and his haven’t been any further than Cornwall for the last decade I don’t think that’ll be a problem. They’ve never visited us in the UK so I seriously doubt they’d start when we go abroad. But if they do, I won’t stop them, I just won’t do any prep or hosting or even guarantee I’ll be there to hang out with them if I have other plans.

Considering my parents don’t have passports and his haven’t been any further than Cornwall for the last decade I don’t think that’ll be a problem. They’ve never visited us in the UK so I seriously doubt they’d start when we go abroad. But if they do, I won’t stop them, I just won’t do any prep or hosting or even guarantee I’ll be there to hang out with them if I have other plans.

Considering my parents don’t have passports and his haven’t been any further than Cornwall for the last decade I don’t think that’ll be a problem. They’ve never visited us in the UK so I seriously doubt they’d start when we go abroad. But if they do, I won’t stop them, I just won’t do any prep or hosting or even guarantee I’ll be there to hang out with them if I have other plans.

Considering my parents don’t have passports and his haven’t been any further than Cornwall for the last decade I don’t think that’ll be a problem. They’ve never visited us in the UK so I seriously doubt they’d start when we go abroad. But if they do, I won’t stop them, I just won’t do any prep or hosting or even guarantee I’ll be there to hang out with them if I have other plans.

Ooops, multiple posting by mistake

OP would be happy for her DC to have whatever wedding they want, though, including one with no guests that excludes her, I think she’s already said that

😂 I was excited to see I had four replies!

My son casually mentioned that just the two of them are going to get married in Scotland. I genuinely said that sounds amazing and that I’m happy for them.

Perhaps your family will actually be happy that you are planning the wedding you want.

We booked a vacation and decided to get married while we were there.
We told both families beforehand. MiL cried, my dad broke out the champagne and my Mum evened it out by getting married overseas without inviting me 😁

OP I really don’t understand why you’re getting a hard time.

I would hate the idea they revolved their day around my needs and sacrificed their own wants for me. That’s not what parenting is about at all

None of the disabilities are exactly hereditary illness. They are compounded by years of lack of exercise and activity and over eating, which have resulted in very early onset of bone and joint degeneration. To this end I am more mindful of my own bone health as a cautionary tale

DP is getting more flack from his parents than I am

MY family know me well enough to just leave me be, I am independent and they were just happy for me but they would be upset if DP’s parents came and I didn’t invite them so it’s all or nothing

DP told his parents he was going to propose to me the day he did it. He did later regret this as they spent the whole evening asking him questions ‘did you do it yet’ and ‘what did she say’

I did not know he had told them but he gave me a ring and they saw it, which I suspected they would ask, so when they asked me questions I responded ‘I don’t know yet, it’s only just happened and we haven’t made any plans. I am not a wedding person so we will probably just go off and do it somewhere by ourselves’

DP also responded ‘no plans yet but will be something tiny with just us’

We see them EVERY DAY and we have been on holiday with them previously, and DP and I 100% do not want them joining us on this honeymoon or overseas wedding as they are very limited in mobility and fussy eaters etc. The type of holiday we want to do would be too much for them mobility wise. To be honest we want to have these opportunities of a life time whilst we are young enough to enjoy them, this event is a good excuse to go do the things we do not usually do. I am quite adventurous and our parents are not.

I didn’t check how they had interpreted this news at the time but they keep asking DP about when they should book time off

DP has now offered to be the blunt one to his parents and I’ve been really clear to him this is not something I want anyone to fall out over. I do not want anyone to be harsh about this and cause an upset. I’ve asked him to say it kindly. Obviously no one is going to mention their mobility 😂 I am explaining that to mumsnet only

I did offer to get married in a registry office if he wants his family there and they are going to fall out otherwise but I would ask them not to take photos of me or be pushy with invites for others but he said no, we are going to elope

It was not until I was proposed to that I realised now strongly I did not want a traditional type of wedding and wanted to elope. We had discussed it in the past but not in depth detail and I wasn’t walking around fantasising about an imaginary wedding

Your mother will have from time to time been thinking of wedding day from you being a little child. It is not 'something' it is a once-in-a-lifetime event and one that is one of the most significant things in their life. Additionally it is one that parents are generally very important in the proceedings. You will hurt and embarrass her til the end of her days. It is not so much about the wedding itself as how much they mean to you.
All that lies between you and disability is a driver losing concentration for a second, lots of people find this out every year. Would you want your kids to exclude you like this?
Do the legal wedding in the UK with the parents and siblings and a nice meal after. Then have your beach 'wedding' after.

If any of my adult children got married with no guests apart from their own children, I wouldn't mind. I'd probably be upset if other guests were invited but not me, but that isn't what is happening here. OP is someone that isn't bothered about weddings and just wants to get married privately with her husband-to-be and her children.

Her family all sound quite pushy. It also doesn't sound a though OP has a particularly close relationship with her parents.

There is no way of putting it "kindly".

They were told that you are planning a party (meaning abstractly as a nice event) and now you are telling them they are not invited.
They will be disappointed and not understand why. They will try to reason to make it possible.

However, it seems your DstbH dug this hole himself, so it's fair he tries to explain it.