Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

I agree with PP. You would be insane to give them any warning. Stop discussing it with the DC too as they could spill.

There is absolutely no need for them to find out on social media, that’s crazy. You just don’t post anything until you have told them.

You are in danger of making this far more difficult than it needs to be.

Agree with the others - don't tell them beforehand. Tell them now that you have decided to elope, but pretend you haven't agreed a date yet, but it will probably be sometime next summer, then surprise them when you have got married.

I agree with other posters, you're making a big mistake telling them 4 weeks or any time at all before the wedding, that'll give them ample time to figure out a way of coming along.

I think a lot of people on this thread have been lucky enough not to encounter these types of people
I have - my mother was exactly like that, which is why I didn't want her at my wedding, and I most certainly didn't give her advanced warning... despite being broke and living on another continent she'd still have managed to make her way there...

Tell nobody, just do it!

It’s not me who wants to tell them it’s DP! I think he’s still in FOG that he can’t bear to displease them. I would just send them a lovely photo after the event to be honest! But I can’t force DP to not tell them, only advise it’s a bad idea (which he does know, but he’s in a pickle).

I think they will find a way to be offended and make it all about them but thankfully none of our siblings will agree with them so it’s not like we will be offending a large group of people

we are thinking about going with something quite short and non specific like this:

We are letting you know that we are having a tiny little wedding in the month of X. We decided it’s just going to be us and the children in a small intimate setting to do the legal bit. We are planning to celebrate with everyone we love later in the year in the warmer months. We aren’t asking anyone for anything apart from just sharing love and best wishes!

Just go and do it completely privately and tell them afterwards. Your wedding, your choice. ❤️👰‍♂️

Book a wedding and surprise your Dh!

Then when you feel like it, in this order go and see his parents wearing your wedding outfits with a bottle of champagne. Your parents, repeat. Tell your siblings privately. Put it on social media if you want to.

But why haven’t you told them already? There doesn’t need to be a formal announcement, and you don’t need to tell them when or where. Just say that there will not be a wedding that they will be invited to, you are going to do it privately with the kids, and you’ll let them know after the event. I don’t understand why you’re complaining that they keep asking, when you keep avoiding giving them a straight answer. You mentioned something about them not taking the hint on other occasions if you say something like it being too far for them to travel to try to out them off coming to something. Stop hinting, just tell them. It’s not an unreasonable assumption that they would be invited to your wedding, it’s a pretty normal thing that most people do. You’re doing something different, which is absolutely fine, but you’re complaining that they keep asking for questions based on a reasonable assumption while refusing to tell them the truth. I don’t understand.

my dad got married without telling us and I thought it was really really shit of him.

sorry. It is just seriously disrespectful. He could have told us a week in advance, I'd have raised aglass for him at the time of marriage.

I think you need to tell them afterwards, so you don't have to worry about them turning up or casting a pall over the day.

Your husband to be needs to support you on this, telling them in advance can only bring stress and potential falling out.

Hope you have a fantastic day, and most importantly you'll have the legal protections of marriage.

There wasn’t anything to tell them until now as it has been booked and we are going to tell them (this was my update)

when they were keep asking nothing was booked it was all just our own private ideas. I’m not going to start sharing my ideas with them because that’s prime chance for them to start meddling, plus nothing is solid.

I have already told them ‘there won’t be a big wedding, it will be very small and possibly abroad’ but I didn’t elaborate. They are not my parents. They are DP’s parents. Do you think it’s my place or remit to do this? I am not trying to become a DIL from hell. I don’t want to fall out with them on purpose.

Why am I contorting myself into shapes to avoid getting on the wrong side of people with no social skills or etiquette. You don’t assume you get invited anywhere until you are. I’m not intentionally trying to hurt them but they aren’t coming, no one else is apart from the children. Perhaps people shouldn’t be so rude to keep asking people the same questions? Perhaps some people need to take a look at their expectations of their relatives and check their entitlement

Exactly! I think you just need to talk to your partner to agree what you want, and then explain that to your family in a way that hopefully doesn't alienate them. That said, I'm sure they'll get over any frustrations, although some people are incredibly precious about their God-given right to attend any weddings they deem "theirs".

Best of luck with the organising - hope you have a lovely day.

But you’ve known for longer that you weren’t going to be inviting them, so you could have told them that. If they are asking you directly then it’s perfectly acceptable for you to tell them yourself, even though they’re your partners family.

I understand they can be difficult and meddling, but stringing them along for ages will have made them more inclined to push not less. Just tell them the truth, that you’re not having any family other than your own children at the wedding.

This whole situation could have been handled much better by telling them from
the beginning. By avoiding the question or giving vague answers you’ve escalated the problem unnecessarily. You’re not doing anything unreasonable in having the wedding as you planned it. But I do think you’re unreasonable for stringing them along for so long, knowing clearly what their expectations are, and refusing to disillusion them. They’re likely to take it much worse being told after all this nonsense than if you’d just been straight with them to start with.

And no they’re not being rude asking and they don’t need to check their entitlement. It’s not unreasonable of them to have assumed that that they would be included in a small wedding if they’re close family. Especially since they’ve made it clear to you that this is what they’re expecting and you’ve deliberately avoided telling them otherwise. The wedding you’re planning is very unusual, especially to older people it will be practically unheard of. They’ve based their expectations on what they believe you mean by wedding. It won’t occur to them that a wedding could be as small as the one you’re planning. Depending on their experience they may think a small wedding is anything less than 100 people.

If you want to make an effort to build a good relationship with your in-laws, as you say you do, then communicating clearly with them would be a good start. You don’t have to go into details as to why, but telling them the truth about what’s going on would really help. It might be best to say that you’re not having a wedding at all in the traditional sense. Of course it is a wedding, and I’m sure it will be a lovely one with you and the kids. But the word wedding conjours up images of white dresses, churches, and big sit down dinners for a lot of people.

Instead of contorting yourself into shapes to avoid getting on the wrong side of them, try being open and honest. You say they’re going to be meddling and pushy, but you haven’t given them a chance. With most situations in life, communicating properly is the best approach.

Unfortunately they have done something quite mean - unrelated to this topic - but that has led to tension recently.

It’s not as simple as just dropping this into conversation because as I said, saying ‘we haven’t booked anything yet but you won’t be invited to it’ seems a lot worse TO MY DP (not me) than ‘we have booked something and as we previously explained, it’s just going to be us there’ is far more polite

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine
i will outline this clearly
is not me wanting to not say something before hand
it is my DP
They are his parents not mine
he feels uncomfortable if I was to just be blunt and upfront in response to their questions
he does not want that
what you are suggesting goes against what my partner wants.
I am not going to over rule him and do it anyway
he might be wrong, and made it all worse but he is my partner and I don’t want to cause a rift with him at all

I appreciate you can’t override you partners wishes with his family. It is possible that they will end up blaming you, which would be very unfair. Ultimately, I believe that all this messing about avoiding questions and carefully calculating the right time to tell them they’re not invited just creates unnecessary drama. Ideally you’d have not told them anything about planning to marry until it’s done, or told them at the same time as you told them you were getting married that there isn’t going to be a wedding (of course your plans are still a wedding, but for simplicities sake I’d just avoid describing it as such to them). If your partner is insisting on drip feeding it to them in this way then there’s very little you can do about it. Perhaps you could respond to any questions they ask you by telling them to ask him instead. I hope you manage to actually enjoy your special day in the end and all the drama beforehand doesn’t take the shine off it.

Your DP is insane to tell them just before. They will completely ruin the end of your engagement and start of your married life. They will make it all about them. You will be miserable.

I've been there - don't do it DP.

I would tell them after the event but share a specific party date 'Hello we got married yesterday/last week etc and would love for you to celebrate with us on X date at X venue'
Or better still arrange an engagement party (after your wedding) and just announce you already got married!! The arranging of the engagement party will ILs off the scent of a wedding.
Good Luck for your marriage xx

In your circumstances I'd be tempted to tell them that you've booked a holiday abroad. Then tell them (when you are back) that you got carried away by the romance of the spot and decided to get wed there and then. Maybe offer to go out for a celebration meal with the family while they are digesting the news and looking at your holiday snaps?

Would save you a lot of heartache.

P.S. No need to tell them anything at all until a week or two before you go!

This.

Unless your parents are abusive etc I would invite them. It’s cruel not to invite your own parents to your wedding.

Stop telling them stuff. Just get married tell them all afterwards - we did and it was great! Also cheaper!

I'm not going to try and dissuade you from your idea of a wedding. I think someone who doesn't want their family at their wedding probably has good cause for that stance and regret is at least as likely if you do ask them.

My take on your question is this:

You only really have 3 options:

1. Be up front. "We're saving up to elope and get married at the top of the Abyss at the Coral Atlantis. It's just going to be us and the kids." Only you have an idea as to whether this is likely to lead to indignation and making your life miserable (which I think would be a fairly common response). Or whether they will understand your reasons and/or respect your choices.

2. Be vague. You've tried that. It hasn't worked. Sounds like it hasn't been all that long though, so it may calm down. But at some point they will reasonably expect a date, so unless you go for option 3 , you're going to have to try option 1 at some point.

If niether of these is going to work for you then:

3. Lie. Swap the ring to another finger and tell them the wedding's off, you've both decided that actually a piece of paper isn't that important to you after all. Or just keep saying "Hmm dunno, we're in no rush" and eventually they'll think it's a perpetual engagement. Or if that makes them even worse tell them a date at least 18 months after you will actually be getting married ("Winter 2030!"). Tell them you have to save a load because you're planning an incredible honeymoon, but the wedding itself will be low key and you aren't going to plan that until the year before. Let them send you ideas etc. but have stock phrases to respond "Thanks! I'll put it in the file and look at when we start planning!". Then you go get married as you want and tell them when you get back that you decided to elope instead. Deception like that could really mess up your relationships with any of your family who you are pretty good terms with though.

DH and I went off and did it alone and told everyone afterwards.Funnily enough ,the only people who kicked off about it were my side of the family which was the reason I wanted to do it without them - they would have made the day about them and ruined it for me.I loved my wedding day.

objectively DP’s parents do a lot for him but this has become something they do so that he owes them and feels guilty. His siblings have a more arms length situation with the parents because they don’t want to owe them anything as this can get thrown back in your face. DP’s ex wife still to this day has beef with DP’s mum for some of the things she says does (basically trampling over your boundaries). DP admits his marriage was under strain because of his parents so he has taken a different approach now he’s older

My parents do nothing I am very low contact with my father. I don’t have a close relationship with my mum.

I'm sorry if anyone finds me to be offensive or upsetting for wanting to exclude our parents.. they aren’t very nice people sometimes.

Our children are lovely and I just want to spend it around people who have good, positive, loving energy. Our household is a positive, happy energy and I want to celebrate that! Inviting draining energy in would not benefit me or DP

DH and I got married with just our best friends and kids in attendance. We told families after the event. It was a second marriage for both of us and we didn't want a big fuss or expense - we just wanted to get married!

I had a great relationship with both my parents as did DH with his and they were supportive and happy for us. We didn't not tell them for any bad reason just that we wanted to do it our way without any fuss and it was perfect for us.

Just go for it OP. It's absolutely not their life, their wedding or their decision. It's about the two of you and your children. I sincerely hope you and DH to be get the wedding you want!

Your poor DP, caught up in FOG so much. If he does tell his family the date you are getting married, (personally I wouldn't) I hope he doesn't say where! Or gives a totally wrong answer,like a large country, ie Canada!
How old are your DC? I have experience of family wheedling info out of a 7 year old in similar circumstances - totally below the belt, so be careful about telling the DC those details too. The result was NC for many, many years after the event was gatecrashed. The term 'shitshow' does not cover it.
Such a lot of secrecy needed for something not about THEM!
Congratulations, and I hope it all goes without a hitch.