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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

478 replies

mostimportantaspect · 08/08/2025 13:40

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

OP posts:
Gloriia · 09/08/2025 07:48

'None of the disabilities are exactly hereditary illness. They are compounded by years of lack of exercise and activity and over eating, which have resulted in very early onset of bone and joint degeneration.'

Not 'exactly' hereditary illnesses?

Look it really doesn't matter if their disabilities are compounded by poor lifestyle choices, that is the norm for many sadly. You sound so judgemental and intolerant of them it is quite sad to read.

Save up for 2 years for your dream holiday abroad to get married, take your kids and no-one else that is fine but do try and address your ableist attitude towards your parents.

Also, as his family are so overbearing tell him to zip it regarding future family events.

Waterbaby41 · 09/08/2025 07:53

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 07:36

Your mother will have from time to time been thinking of wedding day from you being a little child. It is not 'something' it is a once-in-a-lifetime event and one that is one of the most significant things in their life. Additionally it is one that parents are generally very important in the proceedings. You will hurt and embarrass her til the end of her days. It is not so much about the wedding itself as how much they mean to you.
All that lies between you and disability is a driver losing concentration for a second, lots of people find this out every year. Would you want your kids to exclude you like this?
Do the legal wedding in the UK with the parents and siblings and a nice meal after. Then have your beach 'wedding' after.

You are projecting how you feel - not everyone! Our daughter told us they were going to get married, were not going to invite anyone at all, would let us know when they were wed. We still love the bones of her and her husband, we fully understood and respected their decision.

veggie50 · 09/08/2025 08:06

mostimportantaspect · 09/08/2025 06:51

I would hate the idea they revolved their day around my needs and sacrificed their own wants for me. That’s not what parenting is about at all

None of the disabilities are exactly hereditary illness. They are compounded by years of lack of exercise and activity and over eating, which have resulted in very early onset of bone and joint degeneration. To this end I am more mindful of my own bone health as a cautionary tale

DP is getting more flack from his parents than I am

MY family know me well enough to just leave me be, I am independent and they were just happy for me but they would be upset if DP’s parents came and I didn’t invite them so it’s all or nothing

DP told his parents he was going to propose to me the day he did it. He did later regret this as they spent the whole evening asking him questions ‘did you do it yet’ and ‘what did she say’

I did not know he had told them but he gave me a ring and they saw it, which I suspected they would ask, so when they asked me questions I responded ‘I don’t know yet, it’s only just happened and we haven’t made any plans. I am not a wedding person so we will probably just go off and do it somewhere by ourselves’

DP also responded ‘no plans yet but will be something tiny with just us’

We see them EVERY DAY and we have been on holiday with them previously, and DP and I 100% do not want them joining us on this honeymoon or overseas wedding as they are very limited in mobility and fussy eaters etc. The type of holiday we want to do would be too much for them mobility wise. To be honest we want to have these opportunities of a life time whilst we are young enough to enjoy them, this event is a good excuse to go do the things we do not usually do. I am quite adventurous and our parents are not.

I didn’t check how they had interpreted this news at the time but they keep asking DP about when they should book time off

DP has now offered to be the blunt one to his parents and I’ve been really clear to him this is not something I want anyone to fall out over. I do not want anyone to be harsh about this and cause an upset. I’ve asked him to say it kindly. Obviously no one is going to mention their mobility 😂 I am explaining that to mumsnet only

I did offer to get married in a registry office if he wants his family there and they are going to fall out otherwise but I would ask them not to take photos of me or be pushy with invites for others but he said no, we are going to elope

It was not until I was proposed to that I realised now strongly I did not want a traditional type of wedding and wanted to elope. We had discussed it in the past but not in depth detail and I wasn’t walking around fantasising about an imaginary wedding

Edited
Show quote history

You needn't explain all that to ME?!
All I had said on my first post is to give a little nod to the family before or after your wedding to acknowledge their importance in your life. A meal at a local carvery, or even something nice at home so that they feel part of your celebration would do.
It's absolutely your choice to have a little private wedding but to start banging on about how inconvenient it is to have your disabled family at your wedding and how unwelcome they would be is not a very nice way to teach your children to behave.
Then again, they are your DC and none of my business. Won't bother you again.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/08/2025 08:30

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 07:36

Your mother will have from time to time been thinking of wedding day from you being a little child. It is not 'something' it is a once-in-a-lifetime event and one that is one of the most significant things in their life. Additionally it is one that parents are generally very important in the proceedings. You will hurt and embarrass her til the end of her days. It is not so much about the wedding itself as how much they mean to you.
All that lies between you and disability is a driver losing concentration for a second, lots of people find this out every year. Would you want your kids to exclude you like this?
Do the legal wedding in the UK with the parents and siblings and a nice meal after. Then have your beach 'wedding' after.

Some mothers might have been thinking about their daughter's wedding day since they were a little child, but certainly not all mothers. I have certainly never dreamed about my daughter's wedding, or my sons' come to that. Maybe little girls dream about weddings after reading fairy tales which always end in marriage to a handsome prince, but surely parents these days don't think of weddings as the pinnacle of their daughter's achievements.

It sounds as though OP was never actually bothered about being married and her DP's proposal and ring came as a surprise. A wedding should be about the people getting married and OP has made it very clear that she just wants to get married with her children present.

Your comment about parents being important in the proceedings sound as though the wedding is for the parents' benefit, not the marrying couple. It sounds quite self-centred on your part.

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 09:13

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 07:36

Your mother will have from time to time been thinking of wedding day from you being a little child. It is not 'something' it is a once-in-a-lifetime event and one that is one of the most significant things in their life. Additionally it is one that parents are generally very important in the proceedings. You will hurt and embarrass her til the end of her days. It is not so much about the wedding itself as how much they mean to you.
All that lies between you and disability is a driver losing concentration for a second, lots of people find this out every year. Would you want your kids to exclude you like this?
Do the legal wedding in the UK with the parents and siblings and a nice meal after. Then have your beach 'wedding' after.

If someone’s mother has really been fixating on their wedding day since their toddlerhood, she really needs to get out more. Or to grasp theory of mind. Different people have different priorities. My mother would have adored the kind of daughter who wasn’t terribly bright, got a ‘little job in a shop’ and married in white in a church and became a SAHM to a large family. Instead she got a highly academic careerist who married in jeans with no guests and had a single child by choice aged 40.

chaosmaker · 09/08/2025 10:10

@mostimportantaspect I don't think you are being ableist at all. You are explaining a reality that will impact on your wedding day. You said you see them every day. That is plenty for anyone.

Original poster
mostimportantaspect · 09/08/2025 10:35

My mum isn’t upset about any of this. My mum would be upset if I was to include DP’s parents and not her though. DP’s parents want to be included in absolutely every single event in all their DC’s lives and it can be a bit much.

As for my feelings on their lifestyle choices and the outcome of this - I have made different choices and my health is not following the same pattern as theirs at the same age. All of them had high cholesterol and issues with their blood sugars too in their early 40’s and they smoked I’m probably in a better position than them during their younger years - more privileged, financially, education etc and have better access to information and modern healthcare. I’m fully aware health is a privilege not a right and some of this can be genetic but I’m actively doing things to reduce the risk factors, because I can and I want to be around for my DC and maybe one day, DGC. So many factors around how this has happened to them, and how they neglected their own health (respiratory issues and continued to smoke, type 2 diabetes and didn’t address it) which has resulted in all of them having poor diets and lack of exercise impacting their mobility quite rapidly. I am educated on this topic and seeing your parents all decline in health rapidly in their 50’s is actually quite horrible and alarming

OP posts:
NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 09/08/2025 10:45

My husband and I got married with just my kids last year as we have similar views to yours about our own wedding. We did tell his parents in advance as he is an only child who hasn’t been married before (neither had I) and it felt mean to exclude them. Didn’t tell my side (a difficult crowd) and the rest of his til after it was done. People weren’t that pissed off as far as we know. And if they were who cares? It’s a done deal.

SmurfnoffIce · 09/08/2025 11:23

Horsie · 08/08/2025 17:51

Poor parents. 😢

Show quote history

Poor parents nothing. They’re the ones choosing to hold a grudge. If you’re old enough to have married children, you’re too old to sulk.

There was another poster on the thread complaining she hadn’t been invited to her sister’s wedding and passively saying “The rift has never healed”, as if she was talking about someone else. Rifts don’t heal by magic - she had chosen not to forgive her sister!

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 12:50

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 09:13

If someone’s mother has really been fixating on their wedding day since their toddlerhood, she really needs to get out more. Or to grasp theory of mind. Different people have different priorities. My mother would have adored the kind of daughter who wasn’t terribly bright, got a ‘little job in a shop’ and married in white in a church and became a SAHM to a large family. Instead she got a highly academic careerist who married in jeans with no guests and had a single child by choice aged 40.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this must have touched a raw nerve for you. Level of I telligence and career success bears no relationship to iloving and valuing your parents enough to WANT them at your wedding.

MavisandHetty · 09/08/2025 12:51

So you’ve already told your parents? This thread is really about your PILs?

If you’d said that at the outset, the only answers you would have had would have been “tell your DH to tell them”. Prob a few judgmental ones because this is MN, but basically an entirely different thread.

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 12:58

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 12:50

I think this must have touched a raw nerve for you. Level of I telligence and career success bears no relationship to iloving and valuing your parents enough to WANT them at your wedding.

Show quote history

I certainly wish I had different parents, yes. I would have liked parents who would have respected my wish for a low-key wedding, and whom I would have sincerely wanted present in the knowledge that they could be relied upon not to spoil things because they wanted a big fuss. And yes, my parents are very disappointed in all their children. We were successful at the ‘wrong’ things and didn’t do the things they wanted us to do. It’s sad all round.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/08/2025 13:04

mostimportantaspect · 09/08/2025 10:35

My mum isn’t upset about any of this. My mum would be upset if I was to include DP’s parents and not her though. DP’s parents want to be included in absolutely every single event in all their DC’s lives and it can be a bit much.

As for my feelings on their lifestyle choices and the outcome of this - I have made different choices and my health is not following the same pattern as theirs at the same age. All of them had high cholesterol and issues with their blood sugars too in their early 40’s and they smoked I’m probably in a better position than them during their younger years - more privileged, financially, education etc and have better access to information and modern healthcare. I’m fully aware health is a privilege not a right and some of this can be genetic but I’m actively doing things to reduce the risk factors, because I can and I want to be around for my DC and maybe one day, DGC. So many factors around how this has happened to them, and how they neglected their own health (respiratory issues and continued to smoke, type 2 diabetes and didn’t address it) which has resulted in all of them having poor diets and lack of exercise impacting their mobility quite rapidly. I am educated on this topic and seeing your parents all decline in health rapidly in their 50’s is actually quite horrible and alarming

Your DH needs to make it clear to his parents that you will be marrying without anyone in attendance apart from your children. I presume that they are the sort of people that will make a big fuss about it? He will need to put his foot down.

bittertwisted · 09/08/2025 13:10

We have children, but none between us, all aged 15 and above
both married before
got married in Copenhagen, just the 2 of us
it was magical

SmurfnoffIce · 09/08/2025 13:36

I think morally you should be making it clear they aren't coming before any of the women start buying dresses because leaving people financially out of pocket from the uncorrected assumption is mean on a different level from the hurt feelings of wanting to be part of it.

Who buys a dress for a wedding to which they’ve not only yet to be invited, but which could be at any time of year, formal or informal, months or years away etc.? You’re worrying about people being out of pocket - surely if you’re short on disposable income you don’t buy a dress with a) no idea of when you’ll be wearing it, if at all, b) whether you’ll be wearing it in summer or winter and c) that you might well have gone off or got too fat/thin for by the time the wedding date is announced?

Sunshineismyfavourite · 09/08/2025 15:54

Corfumanchu · 09/08/2025 07:36

Your mother will have from time to time been thinking of wedding day from you being a little child. It is not 'something' it is a once-in-a-lifetime event and one that is one of the most significant things in their life. Additionally it is one that parents are generally very important in the proceedings. You will hurt and embarrass her til the end of her days. It is not so much about the wedding itself as how much they mean to you.
All that lies between you and disability is a driver losing concentration for a second, lots of people find this out every year. Would you want your kids to exclude you like this?
Do the legal wedding in the UK with the parents and siblings and a nice meal after. Then have your beach 'wedding' after.

My DD will not be having a big wedding. She sounds very similar to the OP; not wanting to be the centre of attention, hates the idea of lots of photos of her etc.

I 100% embrace my DD and her decisions and fully expect her and her BF to come home from a holiday and tell us they got married. I will most definitely not be upset 'to the end of my days' nor have I been thinking of her wedding day since she was little. As for this being hurtful or embarrassing to me - well that would be frankly ridiculous.

I have however, always had dreams of her being a content and happy adult and prayed she would choose and spend her life with the man of her dreams who will be gentle and kind and wonderful to her for the rest of her days. That is what is most important to me.

BooneyBeautiful · 09/08/2025 18:05

DS and his fiancee want a quiet wedding at the local registry office with no guests, apart from a couple of people off the street to act as witnesses. I am 100% behind them! So much simpler!

Lorddenning1 · 09/08/2025 18:11

Why don’t you get married in the USA, my mum and dad got married in a park in Florida under a band stand, they the then drove to the beach in a limo and had a few of photos and then went for a meal. They rented a villa and then took the kids to Disney world and universal studios

Lovely13 · 09/08/2025 18:12

I recommended elopement to son. But they wanted the big old hoo-ha. It’s whatever you want, your choice. And it’s not just the day, but the whole future together. Good luck!

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · 09/08/2025 18:25

Oreosareawful · 08/08/2025 13:43

Don't give them any details and just do it! Tell them when it's done.

Friend of mine did this. Posted pics on family WhatApp with note that they had a great day with DC as witnesses (been together long time and had DC from previous relationships so old enough to be witnesses). But both sets of parents are dead. Could be upsetting for parents not to be invited.

Pinepeak2434 · 09/08/2025 18:26

I got married abroad with just our children there - we didn’t tell any other family until after we’d married. I didn’t want to anyone making me feel guilty, or making me feel bad about our decision so chose to keep our plans quiet.

Jzp · 09/08/2025 18:26

Oreosareawful · 08/08/2025 13:43

Don't give them any details and just do it! Tell them when it's done.

Exactly This ⬆️.
I totally agree with OP as well

rhinosuze · 09/08/2025 18:27

Just do it, we did. It went down like a lead balloon with a few family members but ultimately I was having a wedding to be married, not to have a day out for them, and they have zero impact on my marriage.

They had to get over it given they still want to be involved with us, and it being just the two of us on the day (and of course a random witness we found) was perfect for me.

Don’t regret it one bit and can tell you from experience you just waste your life worrying about other people

Whyamiherenow · 09/08/2025 18:31

In my experience weddings cause a lot of opinions and feelings to come to the surface for all parties. Everybody always has an opinion etc. just do what you want but accept people will be unhappy and you have to live with that. My brother in law and his wife and son haven’t spoken to us since our wedding. DH 19 year old nephew literally blanked us on the street today when we were with our children. Awkward. We stand by our choice of wedding (they were there but it was a surprise wedding and they didn’t like the surprise). So long as you can live with the consequences - you do you but accept people will be unhappy and likely vocally so.

Buffs · 09/08/2025 18:33

Good for you OP! YANBU.