Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Don't give them any details and just do it! Tell them when it's done.

YANBU. I agree with the above reply!

Just do it.

It’s your day, not theirs.

As a family member, I would be cool with you two doing what suits you.

Just do your thing.

Get married in silence, tell them later.

If my family member or close friend came to me and said they are getting married in October but it will just be them and there kids, nothing fancy but they don’t want the whole big wedding thing I wouldn’t have a problem with this or be upset I wasn’t invited.

Go away quietly, surprise the children, do it away.

Come back with it done.
Honestly I wouldn't have shared the proposal which would have avoided all the drama.

I have friends who have texted me after the event. Lovely news to receive and happy for them.

My BIL did this with his wife without comment.
Their choice.

My late aunt and uncle, while still art students, skipped morning lectures to tie the knot at the local registry office, witnessed by student chums, followed by tea and iced buns at Joe Lyons, then back to college for the afternoon.
The parents were informed later; his DM in particular would have wanted the full extravaganza if she'd known, so there were some ructions, but they went on to celebrate nearly fifty happy years together.
Start your married life with a happy day which suits you and DP, and the SC!

DC not SC!

If your families are both understanding and decent, tell them up front that you are getting married for legal reasons and don't want a "wedding". Therefore there isn't an event or anything. You are just taking a day off and having fun with the kids.

If your families have form for any bad behaviour, get married and tell them after.

It is easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Another vote for elope and tell them later.

Just say you aren’t having a wedding, you are eloping.

They’ll say when and you reply it’s a secret, we’re eloping.

They’ll ask to come and you say no, ‘cos we’re eloping.

Who will be there? No one, we’re eloping!

Its your choice . Don't listen your family.

You told them you're having a wedding but you're not, just tell them after you've signed the legal document.

Could you compromise on asking just your parents, if they are still alive and you have a good relatinship with them. I totally get not wanting extended family and friends and it won't matter to most of those people. As long as they know they weren't excluded from a big event and that there was no even they won't mind at all. But parents are different and quite likely to be really hurt and upset that they couldn't witness the actual act of you getting married. They're less likely to be taking photos for social media too, certainly if you tell them not to.

If you literally want it small enough for just you and witnesses, could parents be the witnesses (I don't know if that's allowed).

I get on really well with my sisters - absolutely no backstory. I had the full shebang, both sisters bridesmaids. They both got married and told me afterwards. They had their reasons and I only want their happiness. Bit disappointed I didn’t get to make a fuss over them, but I can do that in other ways.

It’s very clearly not your thing and your wedding should be what you want. Any family who love you will be happy for you. If they aren’t, that’s on them. All the best OP

Don’t make a big deal out of it. Tell everyone afterwards.

My uncle and aunt got married in secret. Tjey then had big family bbq where they announced it to everyone.
No onewas angry. Grandma was bit sad she wasn't at the ceremony, but got ever it quickly.
Everyone was chuffed for them

Don't tell them they're not coming. Just elope.

You're being unreasonable to be vague about it. Just tell them.

Celebrate with them another time or just don't.

It's easiest to be honest so everyone is clear.

Just go and have your private little wedding and enjoy it. You don't have to have a full overblown friends and family event. Do what makes you both happy.

I expect most people will be happy they don't have to go to another expensive wedding.

Elope. Get married in Vegas by Elvis and tell people when you get home. We juggled 2 difficult families and I regret the efforts I went to to appease everyone.

I did similar but we had our parents there. We had a big gathering in the pub function room a week later with a wider group of people, very informal and everyone loved it. Happy that they didn’t have to fork out on outfits, hotels etc!

DP’s family are decent, but pushy. They 100% want to be there and even if we went to another country to do it (we considering this) they would probably badger DP to let them attend they are already hinting and getting disappointed that we aren’t planning a big do.

I don’t really want the stress of having to keep that kind of secret either. Imagine having to keep your wedding destination a secret for a year or 2 to stop your PIL from gate crashing it 😂

"when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part."

I think you have to tell them they are not invited. Absolutely nothing wrong with eloping or only inviting children (though you will need two adult witnesses for legal purposes) but allowing close family members to continue to believe that they are invited is a little unkind imho.