Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Could you do a legal wedding here soon and then tell them you are married but are saving up for a Honeymoon. Instead it being your Honeymoon it is actually when you have the wedding you want.

Oh, and OP, we wanted it to be just me and DH, abroad, kind of just tagged on to a special holiday. We relented when FIL kept hinting about cheap flights he'd seen to that destination. Said it was just to be our parents then and no-one else. Cue the drama.....

So you have to play it very carefully, especially with more complicated families like step families or multiple adult siblings and their respective children.

Now i'm a parent myself, though, I can see the real urge to just be present to see your kids get married, but literally just that. If they just wanted it in a registry office in casual clothes, no photographer, no special dinner, and for me to bugger off afterwards then that's fine with me. I have absolutely no urge to push any kind of opinion on how their weddings should be done. No "oh, aren't you doing X or Y? No photographer? Oh, you have to have a sit down dinner, people expect it. Oh, aren't you going to have a proper wedding dress?" Yuck, yuck, yuck, awful, awful behaviour from some people's family members when it comes to weddings....it's so so controlling.

Absolutely do it whatever way suits you. I wouldn’t have bothered even telling the wider family you were engaged, as you will always be badgered once you reveal that! But anyway, now that they know, just be upfront and say you’ll be doing it very quietly and you’ll let them know once it’s done! That’s fairly unequivocal.

I think it’s better for your family to know so they can wish you all the best. Nothing wrong with a small wedding just tell them first, they’ll be happy for you won’t they?

They are our kids and weddings are boring. I can take them somewhere fun. I would find my OWN WEDDING boring if this was what it entailed 😂

This is basically any given Sunday afternoon.

Your first mistake was telling anyone else that you’re getting married. Of course they are going to ask about plans! If you wanted it that private, you should have kept it to yourself. Why didn’t you, I wonder?

All you can do now is repeat, repeat, repeat, we are eloping and having no guests at all.

My sibling wanted a small wedding, just them plus child. The spouse’s family came as a surprise meaning my sibling didn’t have any family there. Sibling cried over the surprise on the evening of wedding and my parents were very upset too. So don’t tell anyone where and when as they might “surprise you”

But again, it's people's choices. If someone WANTS to tell their family members they got engaged, then that's up to them, isn't it? It really shouldnt 'be a "you shouldn't share a proposal if you're not going to invite people, you should just go and get it done", like it's a dirty little secret. There is absolutely no need for any family member to infer anything at all about any aspect of a wedding from an engagement announcement.

Totally valid, but I see no way around causing offence as a results that's all. I didn't care about weddings either, I cared about being married but because the family wanted a big wedding I just did that. Each to their own though.

Why don't you get married abroad, just a few people and don't tell anyone else about it! Ell those you invite, not to tell anyone! There's no harm in that.

You don’t want them there because they have physical disabilities ? That’s very different to not wanting them there because you want a quiet wedding.

Who do you want to be there?

I don’t know why you told anyone you were engaged, could have kept it all quiet.

Anyhow, my sister did the “quiet wedding” invited her (now) husbands sister to be witness, but not me or our other sister … rift has never healed. No witness, a friend etc would have been fine.

Again, no-one needs permission from anyone to do their own wedding how they want.

We just had an elopement wedding in the UK with our kids though you can bring dogs if you want to. Done as a package to include 2 nights accommodation, food and arrangements. Took just under 15 minutes then we had a lovely meal on site before heading out for the rest of the day to enjoy ourselves. DM me if you want the details, it was perfect and stress free.
We told close friends and family when it was all arranged, everyone was delighted for us. Its your day, just tell them. My parents were delighted I would have the benefit of the legal and financial protection that marriage brings.

I get that they are your kids. What is less clear is if their parents are teaching them the essential life lesson that sometimes you sit down and look attentive even if you aren’t actively having fun. Or are they going to be those grads at work people talk about ‘jerry didn’t go to the webinar you recommended, said it was too boring’

Honestly I wouldn't have shared the proposal which would have avoided all the drama.

Yep. I suspect that my DD and her partner would feel the same as you about a 'public' wedding. If they do get married, I can absolutely imagine them coming back from a holiday and announcing that they'd done it. And I'd be absolutely happy with that and really pleased for them.

I think I'd find it harder to know beforehand that they were getting married on such and such a date, but that I wouldn't be there. It's not that I'd mind then having a private wedding, it's just that on some level I'd find sitting at home in my own on that day, a little bit miserable, and, irrationally, rejected in a way that I wouldn't feel if they just did it and told me later.

So yep, it's a shame that they know you plan to marry. But my advice would be not to give them any details of your planned date.

They found out as I have a ring. My DP gave me a beautiful ring and asked me

Then we said we just got engaged have no wedding plans yet

Then we have been asked every day since

They also want a party for the engagement

I don’t know why getting engaged and people knowing about it is an issue it’s not a secret I am not ashamed of it. I have nothing to hide

I have children and I would respect their decision

I wouldn’t tell them about their disabilities being an issue but it really is an issue in this situation because we want to fly somewhere hot and probably unsuitable. They also have had their own wedding and already seen their son get married before so they aren’t missing out on anything

I wouldn’t tell them after the event because I think that would cause more upset. I’d just tell them now. Just say “we’re engaged, and at some point we’re going to get married, but we don’t want a big wedding for various reasons, so it’ll just be us and the kids”.

If your DP’s family is massive it’s easy enough to explain to your family that if you have your family then you’ll have to have his, and then it’ll suddenly be a huge event, which you don’t want.

My friend was in the same position. They had me and another friend as witnesses, and were getting pressure from everyone else about arrangements.

As I said to her "those that matter won't care, those that care don't matter".

She had a lovely day. Hope yours is as good

Exactly! OP did you announce your engagement? If so, why? I imagine some questions about the wedding would be pretty natural if that’s the case.

For what it’s worth, I’d feel the same and would absolutely hate a traditional wedding for pretty much all of the reasons you’ve listed.

Just don’t engage in conversations about the wedding, aside from to say it will just be the two of you. People probably won’t care as much as you might think. I know I wouldn’t, and it would feel very strange to keep asking someone who had told me it was going to be private.

We did it one Thursday morning, 2 witnesses from the registry office. We told everyone the day after

My cousin met her kids for lunch, told them they were getting married and crossed the road to the registry office. They were married and told everyone later. Can be as simple as you need it to be.

Agreed, just do it and tell them afterwards. I know someone who did this - it was fine.

Yes unfortunately many people, who often honestly believe they themselves had a "tiny private wedding" think that tiny and private means "just a tasteful off the peg dress and a meal for under 30 people, no disco". You will have to say something like..."We've actually decided not to have a wedding at all. We're just going to do the paperwork now to get the legal bit done. If we do change our minds and have a party at some point in the future we'll let you know!"

"We don't have any plans" on repeat. Go and get married without telling anyone the plan. Prepared to be flamed afterwards

I cannot have the type of wedding I want because they would require a lot of adjustments. They have had their own weddings it’s my turn. I don’t owe them my wedding

They found out as I have a ring that my DP gave me