Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Seems to me your mistake was telling them you were getting married in the first place.
You should have just got on with it!

I was like you OP and what I did, and it backfired, was invited everyone out of politeness, knowing full well the wedding was overseas and expensive. Most of them came. I have to say, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cost a fortune though. Was not expecting so many to say yes. So do be prepared they will say yes, and you can afford them.

Yeah, too stressful! Could you just tell them it's going to be a very casual laidback arrangement whatever you decide to do and you'll simply decide to do it off the cuff at one of your holidays over the next few years whenever you get there and decide it would make a nice or memorable venue for a ceremony?

I mean, we were quite willing to get married by Elvis in Vegas if that was going to simplify it! We just wanted to be married, rather than have the wedding if you see what I mean.

There is a place locally where people do elopement weddings in a treehouse, sometimes they have a few guests, sometimes it is literally the 2 of them - witnesses are provided by the venue. There will be other places like this around the country if you want something other than a registry office.

You are going to have to be very blunt with family and say you don't know where or when but when you do it will just be you and the kids and nobody else.

This is what I would do. As part of a US road trip, to make it a memorable honeymoon.

Quietly book your wedding where you want. When anyone asks about a wedding just say we’ve not made any plans yet. Then just go and do it! Yes entitled people will moan about it but just refuse to discuss it.

Save up, book a holiday to Cyprus/greece/italy with the DC and don’t tell the kids that you are getting married when you are there. That way they are also under no pressure.

Vague answers to families that not planned anything yet and in no hurry.

Then go, get married, tell them when the DC post the photos on social media 🤣

You seem to want a destination wedding without family, but other guests will be invited - is this correct?

If so, there is no way you can do this without hurt. If you don’t want to create a rift, have a tiny registry wedding plus (for instance) pub/restaurant afterwards, followed by a honeymoon at your chosen destination.

Or do it your way and deal with the fallout.

I think what you are planning sounds lovely! Also you absolutely don't have to give reasons or try to justify why you want a super quiet wedding with just you, your DH to be be and the kids.

I'd say you have two options. You organise a lunch together and just tell them all straight. There will be no big wedding - it's going to be a small holiday wedding just us and the kids. Be firm, be calm and just be honest. You don't need to give any reasons other than - this is what we want.
Or, you tell them all it's going to be a long engagement and then have your wedding abroad without saying anything and tell them when you get home.

You will be constantly fending off their intrusive comments until you set the record straight. Just know that what you are doing is 100% right for you. You don't owe your family a wedding.

Just book the next available date at the local registry office. Take 2 witnesses and the kids - job done.
Tell everyone after it’s done. They will get over it.

Unless there is a massive backstory on both yours and dh'z sides, I think not to Invite your respective parents would be incredibly hurtful and selfish.

This.

Friends went to Australia with their children and were married there.

Just be vague and don't talk about it. Say you'll get around to getting married some time but it's not a priority. Eventually they'll lose interest. Do not indulge in "wedding chat" with people who you don't want at the wedding - that would be the same if you were inviting 50 guests but not second cousins - no need to invite second cousin Sue who loves nothing more than attending a big family wedding over for coffee and indulge in wedding chat if she's not invited.

It does seem rather as though you're being a bit hypocritical - talking about weddings and complaining that the close family you're talking to are interested and hoping to attend. Just change the subject and say you're not thinking about it for the moment, no plans, isn't the weather lovely/ awful and how's the dog after his operation? (Or whatever).

We just went away, got married and told everyone quite a while afterwards. In your position I would do the same. My brother also did this, sent us a photo of him and his girlfriend/wife signing the register as his was of announcing it. No problem at all, no drama, all happy.

If you read OP's other posts, it's that her family are disabled and they don't fit into her idea of a dream wedding abroad.

Have an engagement party to keep them happy and get them off your back. Then get married in secret when it suits you and tell them after the event.

Alternatively, tell them that you don't want them there because their disabilities will spoil it and I imagine they will stop asking (or speaking to you at all!). Jon done!

Why? Why is it? Why on earth would anyone be hurt at this?

We don’t owe our parents anything, they wouldn’t be paying and no one is entitled to it.

they have already seen DP get married once before. He doesn’t want them there either

@TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine i have posted about it on mumsnet twice and had no discussions about any wedding chat with anyone else IRL apart from my own DP. He is the only person I’ve made plans with

Is it not sad I now feel the shine is off?

It’s our wedding and our marriage no one else’s.

should have kept engagement a secret?
don’t talk about wedding plans with anyone out of fear of hurting feelings?
never discuss it?
Never mention it?
avoid the topic and hide it?

The guests present would be our children.

Tell them after you are married.

Why on earth CAN'T they talk about the choices and the preparation wtih people you won't be involving?! People discuss with others all the time about things happening in their lives that the others won't be present at. Brief details are fine. It's the direct questions from crest-fallen family which need to be prepared for. "But aren't you going to miss having me there?" and "oh, my one and only daughter not even allowing me to help her get ready on her wedding day - won't you regret that?"

Can't you just be honest and say we'll be eloping with only the kids present. There will be no wedding. And repeat.

No they don’t. Plus other reasons. They are intrusive and take photos of us to put on social media without permission.

Dragging around 4-5 elderly relatives on a holiday-honeymoon with all of our children in a hot destination unlikely unsuitable for disabled people does not sound fun. Some of our ideas they could not join us with

So then I cannot have the wedding I want, so I would have to give up my vision to have one I don’t want, to make other people happy

We got our civil partnership two years ago and my family don't know!
My mum wouldn't be happy with not being there. I've not changed my name and don't wear a ring so nothings changed from that perspective. It's just easier to not tell them.

Otherwise the expression "it's easier to asked for forgiveness than permission" springs to mind. I'd have the day you want then let them know it's happened

I don’t understand how you can have tried to explain but still left them under the impression that they will be invited. Why can’t you just say plainly and clearly "We've decided to not have anyone at all at our wedding apart from our children. Please don’t be offended but that’s the way we want it."

You could always have an ordinary party some time later to soften the blow.

Had a friend that went up to Gretna Green and got married...
TBF knowing them as I do I thought it was a perfect wedding for them, neither like a fuss and both their DC were more than happy for them to do what they wanted.

I also agree with your last statement. In times gone by, weddings were about bringing 2 families together to strengthen the clan etc, with the involvement of dowries etc. They don't have that purpose anymore so no actual real need for family to be there. You do need witnesses to testify that they've watched the bride and groom declare their love and commitment together forever and that it's a legal ceremony etc. But if that's someone off the street then so be it.