Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Sorry but you are going about this very selfishly. Telling everyone, having an engagement, and getting excited about a wedding that is far in the future but that no one is invited to.

Either keep it private and get on with it, or make it public and invite people. A wedding is usually about joining two families together - not just a couple. Don't tell everyone but make it clear they aren't coming - of course they will be upset and offended.

Your opening post referred to wedding chat, which is why I assumed there'd been wedding chat...

Just play it down and change the subject, say you aren't doing anything about getting married atm and will get around to it eventually, (if it's not too drawn out you can remind them that when you do it'll just be you and the kids) and then change the subject. Ask them about themselves - just don't get into labouring the subject of weddings.

I just went, got married and told everyone afterwards.

I would be upfront about it and tell them you are only doing something with your DC and no one else. Be super clear.

I would also say you haven't made any specific plans yet on dates and destination so there is no point asking questions. It also gives them time to get used to it.

The constant questions and suggestions would drive me batty if there was a secret plan.

I think telling them afterwards is quite hurtful and likely to cause drama but I can see many other posters don't agree with me.

Just stop calling it a wedding in front of them or anyone else because the idea of a ‘wedding’ is quite fixed in most people’s minds.

Tell them you are not having a wedding ceremony but will be getting married ‘on paper’ at a future date.

That you’ll organise a family dinner to celebrate at some point once you are married.

Then plan your perfect wedding day with just you and your kids and don’t mention it to anyone until afterwards.

You are only in a mess because you are not talking about it!

As soon as they saw the ring you should have said "yes, we are really happy and looking forward to the wedding of our dreams. It will be just us and the kids, on a beach somewhere hot in the next couple of years"

You need to say this now, asap, to everyone

Job done and whilst they might be a bit disappointed, it's not their wedding!

Get ready to repeat yourself a bit but just keep saying the same thing:
It's perfect for us
It's exactly what we want and need, so we know you will be happy for us
It's what we have dreamed of
Isn't is lovely how so many different weddings are available now

I hope my kids never turn out like you

There'll always be someone(s) disappointed around a wedding - god knows why. I'd do exactly as you're planning to do. Hope it goes well for you.

When people ask, tell them that you'll update them soon. They'll eventually get bored of asking.

Re an engagement party, tell them, no we're not doing that. You don't have to explain yourself.

It's your wedding day, and important you both enjoy it.

If you don't care or are ambivalent about weddings then you don't care enough about the type of wedding you have and it makes no difference to you whether it's big with loads of people and the full shebang (if you can afford it financially), or whether it's just you and DH on your own. But OP DOES care about the type of wedding she wants. She actively dislikes the idea of a big wedding, she isn't just ambivalent about it. Being forced to do something that makes you anxious or unhappy on your wedding day, just for other people's sakes, is just awful. Unhappy memories for years to come.

Hi OP,

i exactly the same. I want to get married but don’t want anyone else there except our children. We would have liked to go abroad but in the end we’ve settled on a registry office with two witnesses who are a couple we know plus our children. We had thought of having just our parents and siblings but when I told them the loose plan for the day, people had faces on and opinions etc. So we decided to just go to the registry office ourselves with no family other than our kids. We are just going to do it and let our kids tell everyone afterwards. We’re keeping it a secret from the kids for the time being too. Plan is to have photos taken with the children in the city centre at a few landmarks and then some photos of the ceremony. Then a meal with our children and witnesses and home for bedtime. We are planning a weekend away the following weekend just the two of us to celebrate.

Have a good think about exactly what you want. Where you would like your wedding to be, what you would like to wear, what is important to you etc. It’s your day and you should have it just as you want it to be.

I know a couple who took their 2 kids on holiday to NZ and they got married over there, just with their kids. Her mum was put out about it. Her younger sister got married later so her mum got to be MOB for that wedding. No long term harm was done.

OP, it's absolutely fine not to have family at your wedding, but your posts are somewhat contradictory. You say you don't want a fuss, but you also say that a simple Register Office wedding is not for you. You want to wait for 1 or 2 years, and go abroad - fine, but that also suggests the fuss, palaver and planning that you say you don't want.
You need to make a clear decision, and then just keep the details to yourselves, OR tell your family that there will be a wedding, but without any guests.

My DH and I did a Gretna Green Package. It was our day and we just enjoyed it being us. No fuss, no ludicrous expenses, no opinions for people to get upset about.

I love this for you ♥️ Sounds fab!

Look upon it as you would the birth of your grandchild, then. You wouldn't expect to be present at the birth, but you enjoy hearing about it all in the run up to it, name choices, plans for the nursery etc, maybe a shopping trip with your DD. But new grandparents just get a phone call to say labour has started,and then another one to say the baby has arrived safely, basic details of the birth, and a couple of photos.

A wedding ceremony without guests can be just the same.

Just tell them nothing has been decided yet

then arrange the wedding you want, so I assume you and the kids. Then after you can tell them and maybe sweeten them by saying you are having a big party at xxxx on yyy to celebrate and invite everyone to that

Seek forgiveness not permission.

But imo if you invite anyone I.e. its more than just you two and your kids then it's pretty shitty because then you're excluding them rather than just not having a wedding.

Maybe stop using the term wedding and call it an elopement because that’s what it will be, people can be funny and hear ‘wedding’ and assume. Be straight with people and say you are eloping and that nobody is invited (bar children)

There is really no need to overthink this.

Tell them nothing. Just do it, the sooner the better. Then tell them afterwards.

Problem solved.

The problem is OP that you're being remarkably honest about what you want, without any hint of sacrificing your personal wishes, and that never goes down well.

How many times do we hear on MN "it's your wedding, don't give in to what others are trying to push you to do"?!

That's exactly what you're doing, and fair play to you.

I understand what you're saying about the physical disabilities, and yes, I can see that would be really limiting. I do think though that you need to make sure this thought never crosses your lips because physical disabilities are hard enough psychologically, let alone having to think that you weren't allowed to attend your child's wedding because of your disability. I know that's not the full reason, but that's how it could come across, so this needs to stay inside your head and not be blurted out.

FWIW, I'm engaged to DP - and I'm in a very similar situation to you. My DM would be devastated not to be invited to the wedding. My brother didn't invite her to his wedding as they're estranged, and she was broken. I have lots of reasons - partly because my much-adored dad passed in 2015, and I couldn't bear to have everyone there but him. Also, my DM makes things about her and I can't let my guard down emotionally when she's around. Finally, I'm autistic and the idea of lots of photos, eyes on me, and attention is honestly just horrifying. It's not for me.

OP, I think you shouldn't feel bad about wanting the wedding that's right for you. It sounds as if you've got really clear ideas and you shouldn't have to water down a day that's supposed to be about you and your partner to accommodate people that have different ideas.

I also think you need to be upfront. I think a PP's idea of downplaying the importance - eg/it's not a proper ceremony, just a paperwork exercise etc - and it's more about having an exotic holiday with the DC doing lots of activities to celebrate the commitment. Maybe suggest that you could have a celebratory dinner when you get back - how would that feel? It's a nod to include them and allowing them to celebrate your union without the whole awful shebang of photos etc, and you can still have your wedding as you want.

For full disclosure, I haven't managed to do anything about my wedding yet, and we've been engaged for 5 years. I know my DM will be heartbroken and never, ever let us forget about it but equally I don't think I can lie about not being married. No idea what I'm going to do. So if you don't think your family will ever forgive you either, you have my full sympathy.

OP, as far as I can see your mistake was to tell people beforehand rather than keep it quiet until afterwards. You must have known what they are like! I have no suggestions, but good luck with it.

You’ve got a bit of a cheek to talk about not making something all about you when the clear majority of my post was that the OP should do what she wants to do and that the people who love her should understand that and if they don’t that’s on them.

My sisters do like a fuss made of them, hence my disappointment that circumstances made it otherwise for their weddings. And my way of making it up to them was making planned activities a bit more generous. There’s never been a word said about their weddings other than my heartfelt congratulations and nor will there be, because I completely understood their decisions.

Can't you just invite parents and siblings? Is there a particular reason you want to exclude them? They will naturally find it very hurtful. A tiny private service should include your parents and siblings imo. Unless there's a history of abuse or bad blood, I personally can't fathom not inviting such dear loved ones. I'd think carefully about excluding your closest family, because it might make a statement that you don't intend to make.

I don’t understand why you told them you are getting married. You should have just told them after the fact.

All you can do now is set a real date and destination, then tell everyone it’s a year later because you need to save up, and you will tell them more details nearer the time.

Don’t tell anyone you are going away in case they guess. Then just come home with your big news.

You have made it more difficult than it needed to be by telling them though…

My best advice is to stop calling it a wedding. When they ask, just say "oh we're not having a wedding" and leave it at that.