Aibu for being unhappy my in-laws are putting a dog "first"

[GD12]

Basically my MILs son has a giant dog, I think it's a Staffordshire bull terrier but it's massive. It's also untrained. When our daughter was 4 a few years ago ist jumped up on her and scratched her chest at which point I said that our daughter couldn't stay in the house with it. She goes every summer to stay for 5 days and they usually put the dog elsewhere,the dog moving and staying with another relative etc. This year they didn't bother and the solution was to have my daughter stay with another relative instead of at her grans my mil would also stay at the relatives. Am I overreacting being annoyed about this? She has to go and stay with a relative that she's never stayed with before and sees maybe twice a year, that the dog is being allowed to stay in the house and my 7yo daughter has to move out because of it? Myself and hubby have had a fight because he can't see the problem, in fact he'd have her stay with the dog in the house. Maybe I'm being controlling but it's really pushing buttons in me.

You don't want her to be in the house with the dog.
She won't be.
Grandmother wants to stay a week with the child.
She will be
What's the issue?

It doesn't sound like an aggressive dog though - it just jumped up? And it lives there full time. I'm not sure your in less are prioritising a dog at all, they've done everything they can every year to accommodate your child.

I think this comes down to the fact you don't want her to go - if so, and given it's already caused an argument I'd just say she's not going and keep her home. MIL is quite welcome to come to you.

Maybe the child doesn’t want to stay with mad Auntie Tracey who she sees once in a blue moon. She’s allowed an opinion. Will there be adequate sleeping arrangements etc, will OP know who is in the house, where her child will be sleeping and bathing etc ?

you see all these threads on here where 15 year olds aren’t even allowed to the corner shop alone Yet OP is getting slated for not being comfortable her 7 year old little girl is going to be spending a week with a relative she doesn’t even know

https://www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1302777-MIL-asking-for-alone-time

‘the dynamic is different when the child knows the parent isn’t there’ - nails it

my own mum had a bit of a predisposition for feeling g like this when my older sisters kids were younger until one of them point blank refused to sleep over one night because she knew that in the morning, if she asked my sister to collect her at say 8am, my mum would be upset and say she thought they’d have a day out together before she went home. My mum has always preferred having the kids at her own house as she is more comfy there, than at their kids own houses, it’s very common

Keep your daughter at home . I wouldnt send my child to a house with a dangerous dog .

Loads of kneejerk reactions to the OP and deliberate misreading of what her issue is.

1. The In laws and husband demand the child to spend a week there
2. There is a large and possibly aggressive dog which OP feels is unsafe
3. Previous arrangements included the dog being housed elsewhere while child was visiting.
4. Arrangements have slightly altered this year and child and DGM are in a third location for a week. I think OP is allowed to feel aggrieved that her child is in a new location which she has to get used to.
5. This tactic seems designed to eventually force the child to stay in the In laws' house with the dog. Op's husband has expressed this wish already.
6. OP is wholly within her rights to not send her child anywhere and to protect her child from a dog whose temperament is iffy.
7. No one has sought to train either dog or child in their interactions with one another to allay OP's fears. They have downplayed the dog's behaviour.

Yabu to allow a grown woman to dictate where your dd stays.
Mil had her dc.. Now it's your turn..

Say no, she's not staying there for a week but mil is welcome to come over and spend time at your house? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Obviously the BIL has made the MIL choose between his dog and her granddaughter. She’s got two people she loves pulling her in opposite directions, never mind that she might want to stay in her own home. She’s found a solution though. Is there anything wrong with this relative they’re staying with? Does DD mind? If not, let it go this year.

Is FIL going too? Will DD spend time with him too?

Fwiw I’d not let DH or BIL forget this. Either because she’s been bullied into it or some other reason, your MIL has chosen the dog over your DD. I wouldn’t allow a repeat of this. Doubt many relatives would want to host someone and their granddaughter for a week each year either.

Look after your own child, your mil can do whatever she wants in her own house.

OP I think you should edit your post to include that it's your MIL that is requesting your daughter to go stay with her as that changes things.

FIL isn't around so he won't be there. Yes, I can imagine MIL has been pulled both ways and in some ways I don't blame her but my BIL is 40, it's not as if he's a kid, he bought this dog after he split with his GF and then moved back into his mums. We're either down there or she's up at ours a lot it's just the "week in the summer" that has become a thing and now my daughter is being "moved out" into another house which has riled me and me saying something has caused a fight. Husband wants his "weeks rest" and MIL wants daughter for a week(which I'm not objecting to in principle she can see her granddaughter as much as she wants).

Who's looking after the dog if the MIL is also staying with the friend?! I'm so confused

The BIL who lives in the house.

Much easier for your DD to go to the relative’s with your MIL than for the dog to go elsewhere. In this instance, I think you’re being unreasonable.

YANBU who is the other relative? Do you know them? Does DD? DH sounds like he doesn’t take dog attack risks very seriously. If the fog is dangerous I’d be worried for MIL to be honest

Why? If the child is a regular guest at her DGM's house, she would have her things there, a bedroom she is familiar with etc. She is only 7, these things are important. A dog is much easier to move for a week.

Yup

I think you need to try and communicate with husband better over this somehow. You need him onside. If for instance you ever split up (I'm not saying over this specific issue), it sounds like he'd take your daughter there to be with dog and you wouldn't have a say so.

Dogs seem to be a very emotive subject on mumsnet in general.

I'm on the fence to be honest. Someone asked you if it was aggressive and you said it had jumped up on you but you felt it wasnt being playful - but that is how untrained and excited dogs act unfortunately - not necessarily aggressive dog behaviour but certainly uncomfortable for someone who doesn't like dogs.

I agree that jumping up is very bad dog manners and shows poor training by the owners. However it doesnt sound aggressive, you dont mention biting, growling, showing teeth, hackles up etc.

With your daughter being 7 now, I wonder how she feels about dogs in general and this dog in particular?

What was your husbands opinion of his child being scratched by this dog? Was he angry or was he of the opinion these things happen?

I personally wouldn't be happy with the annual 1 week trip in general with or without the dog and I wouldn't be happy about the dog situation either. It all sounds quite delicate and I think you should consider your next steps carefully. Hopefully you get some good advice or point of view on this thread.

He was angry initially but won't go against his family or cause a fuss so it quickly became "fine"

Everybody has their own agenda, don’t they. DH wants DD out of the house and getting stroppy if you even try to jeopardize that. BIL doesn’t want to find somewhere to put dog. MIL wants her DGD. FIL is doing his own thing. You’re the only one not getting what she “wants” ie peace of mind. Let’s hope DD is happy with this new relative.

I often used to find myself pushed around between people like this. My DM, almost 80, still is pushed around trying to be everything to everyone. It stopped for me when I started becoming as strident as everyone else was being towards me. It shocked me how quickly people gave in, or at least accommodated my preferences. All I had to do was ask.

Well your MIL can't kick your BIL out for a week- it's his home. You've set a line, you don't want your child around this dog. So they are seeing your child elsewhere.

I don't get it. Unless this is some weird perceived hierarchy thing? You don't want your kid around the dog; your kid isn't around the dog- what's the problem???!

Realistically, where can she send the dog? And can she really insist that it goes elsewhere when it is not her dog? It is her son's home too, by the sounds of it.

Frankly, what it sounds like to me is that you don’t like the idea of your DD having a close relationship with your MIL at all. You are creating difficulties where there aren’t any.

Your MIL has done what you’ve asked and kept your DD apart from the dog. (Even though I'm not convinced by you saying the dog was being aggressive rather than playful/badly trained. Did it actually growl or try to bite anyone?)

What on earth is the problem of the two of them staying in a different relation's house? Does your DD actually care in the slightest which house it is? You are sounding sour.

I should be allowed to say she's not going then and not feel pressured by husband and mil and for it to cause a fight.