Aibu for being unhappy my in-laws are putting a dog "first"

[GD12]

Basically my MILs son has a giant dog, I think it's a Staffordshire bull terrier but it's massive. It's also untrained. When our daughter was 4 a few years ago ist jumped up on her and scratched her chest at which point I said that our daughter couldn't stay in the house with it. She goes every summer to stay for 5 days and they usually put the dog elsewhere,the dog moving and staying with another relative etc. This year they didn't bother and the solution was to have my daughter stay with another relative instead of at her grans my mil would also stay at the relatives. Am I overreacting being annoyed about this? She has to go and stay with a relative that she's never stayed with before and sees maybe twice a year, that the dog is being allowed to stay in the house and my 7yo daughter has to move out because of it? Myself and hubby have had a fight because he can't see the problem, in fact he'd have her stay with the dog in the house. Maybe I'm being controlling but it's really pushing buttons in me.

Isn’t your MIL’s son your BIL?

But she does get to dictate whether her 7-year-old DD goes to MIL's house or not. And indeed whether she goes to this other relative's house or not.

This just sounds like your MIL wants a break too.

I'd feel v uncomfortable about either alternative tbh. My DS goes to stay with exMIL every summer for a week because they have a farm and he loves it but a) they are very careful about him coming into contact with animals and b) he doesn't stay with a virtual stranger.

This is all a bit of a tangle. Forgive me if I missed it, but can't you just ask why the dog isn't being moved this time? I ask this because to me its as if your MIL is being bullied by her son - he won't move the dog and so she has to move out to see her granddaughter. If that's the case then I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near him, and an untrained and large dog is just part of the wider picture. Though an obvious and important part. There's too much i don't understand about the overall family dynamic. But as others have said, if you're not comfortable, she shouldn't go, and if its such a big dog, presumably it is bigger/weighs much more than your daughter. Lots of dogs are really safe with childeren, but any dog can get aggressive in certain circumstances and bad owners are usuallly the cause. You mentioned that DH wants her to go so he gets a break, so that's something else to consider, and may be contributing to the overall dynamic.

Can you go and stay with them too?

'Husband wants his "weeks rest" '

this is the real issue / problem

what kind of father wants a weeks rest from his own child ?

YABU. It's where the dog lives

But also for not standing up to your DH and MIL.

Why are you so reluctant to stand up to your husband? If you don’t want her to go to this remote relative’s house for a week and the grandmother hasn’t bothered to ask your daughter if a change of venue is OK then say no.

I think many parents can enjoy a child free week. I don’t blame him for that. Children stop wanting to go to relatives much sometime in secondary school as they have homework and friends and hobbies anyway

Their home is their dog's home, it's not your daughter's home. If you told me to put my dog somewhere else and take her out of her home so your daughter could stay here I would tell you to do one. If she's not comfortable there she can stay somewhere else, not the dog.

This

alternatively find other childcare

Just seen updates that you don’t need childcare.
In which case
If she doesn’t want to go and you don’t want her to go just let her stay at home
If your daughter does want to go then arrangements have been made to stay elsewhere and if she does it every year she’ll get used to it.

However Your dhs choice doesn’t override yours. You’re an equal partnership.

The dog isn’t the issue, neither is mil arranging to have DD elsewhere…. I doubt she’s putting the dog first… I suspect BIL has refused to send his dog to stay elsewhere, or has no one available to look after it… Your MIL has arranged elsewhere to go instead.
But the issue here is that you’re being pressured to send your DD somewhere at all!! My daughter is 14 and has has never spent more than a couple of days away from home at a time.. if husband needs a week off from his daughter then why don’t you book a Monday - Friday break away with just you and her?!
I used to take my DD to Butlins every year… we had a great time!!

I wouldn’t allow anyone to pressure you to send your daughter away for a week. Just wouldn’t be happening!

Don’t see this as choosing between you/your child and dog it’s the dog lives there, I am assuming? So they don’t want to move him/her from their home when your child can stay elsewhere.
if you child is cool with the other relative and you’re comfortable with this just let it be

LOL Staffies are not massive or even tall. They are medium-sized if we are being generous. Even if you are short like me (5ft nothing) a Staffie wouldn’t be higher than your waist. Do you mean a Great Dane?

THIS ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

Shes your fucking daughter and you need to say No and mean it!!
We don’t have children for their grandparents entertainment!
if your husband wants a week off from his own bloody child then send him to his mothers!!
Not wanting your daughter near a huge dog, even if it hadn’t been aggressive is your choice, you’re safeguarding her!
Personally I don’t like the fact you feel unable to say no!!
As for your DD staying somewhere else…. Take her up and stay for a bit … ask her if she’s ok staying there with her granny…. If she isn’t then take her home again…. OR just say you’re not happy for her to go and put your foot down …

My friend had a staffy cross… it was ginormous!! Its head was a staffy and its body was muscular like a staffy but the size of a grey hound! OP has clearly said it was a staffy cross. ….
to be honest it sounds potentially like an illegal breed being fobbed off as an staffy! …but now the dangerous dog act doesn’t just go on the breed alone but takes into consideration the head and bite size!…. So this dog sounds like it should be on the list and muzzled etc It doesn’t matter anyway, the dog isn’t near the child…. The issue here isn’t about the dog being a bully breed… it’s more concerning the OP is being bullied by her partner and MIL to leave her DD when she clearly doesn’t want to!

This

This. Just say no to the trip.

OP, maybe let this years visit go ahead, as a sort of experiment. Won’t do your DD any harm, she’ll build some resilience, and may even bond better with other relative, who knows. It’ll be an experience either way.

Could you have a stern word though about next year now, heavily suggest/insist BiL get the dog some behaviour training? For MiL’s benefit, as well as everyone else’s!!

The op stated the dog is untrained and jumped up her little girl and scratched her. While this is very unfortunate, it doesn't mean the dog is DANGEROUS! People like you really piss me off 😡

For me, it depends if you knew about the change of location before hand or did they just spring it on you that it was a different house DD was staying in this time?
If you or your DH pre-approved the stay …or rather didn’t object strongly enough to it, then YABU.

But OP, you don’t have to allow your DD to go just because MIL wants to have her for the week. You can bring her home any time if you feel uncomfortable about something.

If you have the slightest reservations about any of it, then it’s your duty to speak up, and assert yourself, with clear reasoning.
But do get it straight in your head before speaking to them about it. And be firm.

If you can’t bring yourself to say …I can’t trust your judgement about the dog, or …I don’t know the house she will be staying in so i feel it’s better she doesn’t go thank you all the same, then just say you have something else planned or that you have personal reasons this year, or that you want to enjoy her company while you can but MIL is welcome to visit her DGD at your house for a couple of days.
She is your child not MIL’s.
You would definitely not be unreasonable for following your gut instinct.

She also said earlier this year it jumped on her.

They’ve had the dog long enough to train it not to.

Honestly, the DH should just go to his mother’s and MIL go to OP’s, dog remains in its home, OP knows daughter is safe , and MIL gets time with granddaughter.

Simple solution.

BiL getting someone to look after his dog is likely really not easy. You can't just palm your dog off on someone for a week and if he was to board him it would be costly, not to mention difficult to find a place over the summer.

Your MiL is putting her own son first here and not the dog, and if her alternative (which I think is a perfectly reasonable solution) isn't ok for you then stop finding reasons to dislike the dog or the BiL or the relative and stand up to your DH who is the one putting all this pressure on because God forbid a man has to parent his own child. Send him off to his ma's for a week's rest if he needs it so badly!