Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for being unhappy my in-laws are putting a dog "first"

343 replies

GD12 · 08/08/2025 13:38

Basically my MILs son has a giant dog, I think it's a Staffordshire bull terrier but it's massive. It's also untrained. When our daughter was 4 a few years ago ist jumped up on her and scratched her chest at which point I said that our daughter couldn't stay in the house with it. She goes every summer to stay for 5 days and they usually put the dog elsewhere,the dog moving and staying with another relative etc. This year they didn't bother and the solution was to have my daughter stay with another relative instead of at her grans my mil would also stay at the relatives. Am I overreacting being annoyed about this? She has to go and stay with a relative that she's never stayed with before and sees maybe twice a year, that the dog is being allowed to stay in the house and my 7yo daughter has to move out because of it? Myself and hubby have had a fight because he can't see the problem, in fact he'd have her stay with the dog in the house. Maybe I'm being controlling but it's really pushing buttons in me.

OP posts:
BluntPlumHam · 09/08/2025 18:34

Such a weird thread where op is being told to pay for childcare when that isn’t even the issue at hand and the amount of people prioritising a dog over a child is exactly why the dangerous dogs act was enacted.

Blablibladirladada · 09/08/2025 18:39

Erm no.

you are sending your daughter to them in their house…not for them to choose to go elsewhere with her.

Just say no, this year is a miss. Next year we hope and propose to participate in whatever didn’t work this year with the dog. Is it too old? Does it cost money?

BluntPlumHam · 09/08/2025 18:39

SweetHydrangea · 09/08/2025 06:26

Yes, I have read the thread and my response was in a direct reply to someone saying the dog wasn’t dangerous when they have no idea whether it is or not.

However since you’ve bought up the subject, I also think that any parent that would willingly send their young child to stay with effectively a stranger (because the daughter doesn’t know this relative whose house she now has to stay at), also needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror. The agreement has always been the OP daughter, stays with MIL at MIL house, not the OP daughter is sent hundreds of miles away to stay with MIL in a stranger houses, where the OP has no idea who will be coming in and out of while her daughter is there. That’s why she isn’t comfortable with the whole situation and I don’t blame her. She seems like a very good mum to me, unlike alot of the questionable people replying on here who would send there child off without question!

Some of you need a reality check. Any dog can bite and cause injury, yes a Jack Russell won’t cause as much damage as a XL bully or whatever but they can still hurt a child and seriously. Dogs shouldn’t be jumping up in peoples faces regardless of breed. Instead of people treating them like children (which they arent) and making excuses for their bad behaviour, they should train their animals. And that’s coming from someone who has owned dogs my entire life up until recently as well as my family. It only takes once for a dog to bite, only once for a dog to kill (not suggesting this one would but in general), and when this happens it’s always the same ‘oh it was such a sweet animal, I used to leave it with the baby, wouldn’t hurt a fly, I never thought it would do this’.

I stand by my point that anyone putting a pet over the safety of a child - whether thats physical safety, mental or allergy based should be ashamed. My Best Friends child was terrified of dogs, I would always put the dog in another room while they visited. If I ever had to have her for longer periods of time, I would send the dog elsewhere for the day, the dog survived. Honestly cannot believe that some people on here are saying they would rather not see their grandchildren because of a dog or cat, it’s pathetic.

Show quote history

Exactly why DCs admire dogs irrespective of whether they are small/friendly from a distance and never let them pet strangers dogs etc

leli · 09/08/2025 18:45

What an odd thread. So many people don't seem to have read the OP's original post. OP is angry about a dog living in MIL's home thus making it difficult for MIL to host OP's child, MIL's grand-daughter. OP is understandably wary about the dog - I would be too - so MIL is suggesting that she, MIL I mean, and her grand-daughter stay for a week together with another relative in other relative's home. OP hasn't specified who this other relative is. It could be MIL's sibling, or another child of MIL - who knows. OP's BIL lives with MIL with his dog. Presumably it isn't easy for MIL to get the dog out for a week so she's decided to make another arrangement so she can spend time with her grand-daughter.

OP is aggrieved that in some way the dog is being privileged. I don't see this. I see a MIL trying to manoeuvre around possibly a tricky family and make safe arrangements where she can spend time with her grand-daughter. OP says MIL and OP's partner determine that OP's child should go to stay with MIL for a week. I don't see this either. Why does OP have no say? Why doesn't she want her child to spend time with her grand-mother? Many of us value relationships with our grand-parents and want the same for our children.

What I do see is an OP determined to be angry about stuff. I'd say she doesn't like her MIL - most on Mumsnet don't like theirs either and OP making a ridiculous issue about a dog that will have no contact with her child.

Buffs · 09/08/2025 18:45

It sounds to me like your MIL is being pretty accommodating.

TorroFerney · 09/08/2025 18:52

GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:12

She thinks she's going to stay at her grans house, i said to her about this other relative and she said no I'm going to grannies and was insistent on it. She barely even knows the other relative, like I said. Im not even entirely comfortable with her being so far away but I've said nothing for years to keep the peace.

Show quote history

So stop doing that then. Why is your peace less important than your husbands/MIL, why are they more important than you? If they can't keep her safe then you need to.

Maray1967 · 09/08/2025 19:12

CopperWhite · 08/08/2025 13:42

Did the dog show aggression or was it just being a jumpy dog?

It’s a very large Staffordshire bull terrier. That is all that needs to be said. No child of mine goes in a house with a dog of that type.

Ellejay67 · 09/08/2025 19:30

You can't expect the dog not to stay in it own home, however sounds like an XL Bully. Wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them tbh. Maybe stop.the sleepovers.

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2025 19:35

Reading comprehension is once again bloody abysmal on MN.

Not sure why several can’t read OP’s posts or can barely comprehend the first post.

OP doesn’t want childcare nor her daughter to go in the first place, her DH wants daughter to go and MIL wants daughter to come too.

The dog has shown to be aggressive and not trained properly and has been aggressive towards OP this year.

MIL herself complains about the dog and can’t walk it because it drags her.

It isn’t MIL’s dog. It is OP’s 40 yo BIL (MIL’s son’s) dog who got it before moving in with his mother.

Daughter’s toys and what not are at MIL’s house as expected not at another relative’s house.

Like several threads lately, OP has a DH problem.

Is there a reason why MIL can’t come to you instead and your DH goes to hers since he wants his “week” off?

He can go spend the week with his brother and the dog.

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2025 19:43

I think the perfect solution was mentioned earlier.
BIL and dog come and stay with your partner, while you and DD visit MIL!
If they don’t agree to that then I’d be saying, ‘No visit then’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2025 19:49

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2025 19:43

I think the perfect solution was mentioned earlier.
BIL and dog come and stay with your partner, while you and DD visit MIL!
If they don’t agree to that then I’d be saying, ‘No visit then’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would OP want an aggressive, untrained dog in their home?

OP has stated that MIL comes up
to them on her own without the dog. I would guess the dog has never been to their home and who is to say BIL would want to come to them with the dog in the first place. If that was the case, the dog could have been moved out of MIL’s house for the five days, her granddaughter would be there like they had been doing in previous years.

pineapplesundae · 09/08/2025 19:54

You're overthinking this. Your mil will take excellent care of your daughter and daughter will have fun memories. Mil has created a win win situation, just roll with it.

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:26

GD12 · 08/08/2025 13:38

Basically my MILs son has a giant dog, I think it's a Staffordshire bull terrier but it's massive. It's also untrained. When our daughter was 4 a few years ago ist jumped up on her and scratched her chest at which point I said that our daughter couldn't stay in the house with it. She goes every summer to stay for 5 days and they usually put the dog elsewhere,the dog moving and staying with another relative etc. This year they didn't bother and the solution was to have my daughter stay with another relative instead of at her grans my mil would also stay at the relatives. Am I overreacting being annoyed about this? She has to go and stay with a relative that she's never stayed with before and sees maybe twice a year, that the dog is being allowed to stay in the house and my 7yo daughter has to move out because of it? Myself and hubby have had a fight because he can't see the problem, in fact he'd have her stay with the dog in the house. Maybe I'm being controlling but it's really pushing buttons in me.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
your daughter isn’t having to move out as she doesn’t live there!
Ypire obviously not a dog person but those of us who are counting our pets as family and this family member lives permanently at your MIL’s house!
Its not ideal for her to stay elsewhere but tbh you were lucky she moved the dog out before, many people wouldn’t and if you weren’t comfortable with your child being around the dog, the visit wouldn’t happen.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 09/08/2025 20:29

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/08/2025 19:28

It is madness to put the dog before a DGC.

The dog lives there. The kid occasionally visits.

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:31

Juststop2025 · 08/08/2025 13:40

You are being completely unreasonable by endangering your daughter by sending her to a house with a dangerous dog - regardless of what they claim they do with the dog when she is there. Owners of dangerous dogs cannot be trusted to keep anyone safe, let alone a child.

Where did you get that it’s a dangerous dog??
Large boisterous dog jumping up at 4 year old doesn’t = a dangerous dog!
If OP really thought it was deliberate aggression she’d clearly have taken it further!

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2025 20:34

GD12 · 08/08/2025 13:56

Showing aggression it jumped on me earlier this year too and it wasn't being playful. They try to downplay it by saying it's just wanting a pat or it's just having fun. I think that's where part of my annoyance and lack of trust comes from.

Show quote history

No dog should be jumping on people BUT if a massive Bull type dog or similar wanted to hurt you then it would so i expect this dog is just badly trained.
Even so I don't blame you for not wanting it near your child so don't send her to the In laws

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:38

GD12 · 08/08/2025 13:56

Showing aggression it jumped on me earlier this year too and it wasn't being playful. They try to downplay it by saying it's just wanting a pat or it's just having fun. I think that's where part of my annoyance and lack of trust comes from.

Show quote history

So the dogs been aggressive?
Is this visit the only time your DD visits, as seems like you’re contradicting yourself if you’re happy for her to go to the house when the dog is there normally

LittleMonks11 · 09/08/2025 20:40

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2025 19:35

Reading comprehension is once again bloody abysmal on MN.

Not sure why several can’t read OP’s posts or can barely comprehend the first post.

OP doesn’t want childcare nor her daughter to go in the first place, her DH wants daughter to go and MIL wants daughter to come too.

The dog has shown to be aggressive and not trained properly and has been aggressive towards OP this year.

MIL herself complains about the dog and can’t walk it because it drags her.

It isn’t MIL’s dog. It is OP’s 40 yo BIL (MIL’s son’s) dog who got it before moving in with his mother.

Daughter’s toys and what not are at MIL’s house as expected not at another relative’s house.

Like several threads lately, OP has a DH problem.

Is there a reason why MIL can’t come to you instead and your DH goes to hers since he wants his “week” off?

He can go spend the week with his brother and the dog.

Edited

This is the answer. The brothers can hang out with doggo and play XBox all week

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:43

KindLemur · 08/08/2025 14:47

Maybe the child doesn’t want to stay with mad Auntie Tracey who she sees once in a blue moon. She’s allowed an opinion. Will there be adequate sleeping arrangements etc, will OP know who is in the house, where her child will be sleeping and bathing etc ?

you see all these threads on here where 15 year olds aren’t even allowed to the corner shop alone Yet OP is getting slated for not being comfortable her 7 year old little girl is going to be spending a week with a relative she doesn’t even know

Show quote history

She’s not going on her own, MIL is going, sounds like the relative is just providing a place to stay (and getting no thanks just a stropy attitude from OP whose not having everything her own way).
Seems like it’s OP that has the problem not the child.
Where does is say there is any issue with the relative, I read it as she just doesn’t know her well.

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:49

No need to post then, don’t let her stay

Arran2024 · 09/08/2025 20:51

I have 2 huge dogs but I am absolutely anal about them and other people. You cant watch a child and a dog 24/7 and I simply wouldn't let them near each other unsupervised.

And I wouldn't let my daughter go to a house with a big dog if I wasn't there.

So tbh it sounds like your mil at least has her head screwed on.

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:52

Ccfgggh · 08/08/2025 18:31

Stand your ground OP. Your instincts are right and this has so many red flags. There have been horrific injuries and child fatalities from bull breeds. Being shipped off to another house where she doesn’t know people well is at best frightening and at worst a child protection issue if you don’t know who is there. If you can get your husband to draw the line with his family so you don’t take any flak for it.

Show quote history

There is zero chance of a “dog attack” as dog won’t be there!
Sound like OP and her child are used to getting their own way, life isn’t like that, if not happy don’t send her, simple solution.

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 20:56

miraxxx · 08/08/2025 19:24

OP says she has her toys there. Why do so many of you discount OP's characterisation of a dog she knows but none of you know and of a situation involving her very young child's comfort re the familiarity of a house where she will be spending a week without her parents? I think OP should put her foot down and not be coerced into sending her child on this visit.

Show quote history

The dog is irrelevant as the child wasn’t going to be staying there so why are people harping on about the dogs breed?!

Kelly1969 · 09/08/2025 21:07

TeamBuffalo · 08/08/2025 22:25

Or find his own place, where he and his giant dog can be happy together without taking over his mum's home.

Show quote history

God forbid that OP doesn’t get to dictate what goes on at her MIL’s home.

BeAzureRaven · 09/08/2025 21:51

If you don't want your dd to go, I don't think you should send her. This is YOUR child! If you are uneasy about the dog (and I'm a massive animal lover, with 7 dogs of my own) you are CORRECT to listen to your instincts. How does your dd feel about these visits? If she is excited to go, and the dog is out of the picture, one way or another, I guess in the interests of family harmony, maybe allow her to go--maybe for a shorter time period? 3 days? But ONLY if you are comfortable and dd wants to go.