To think women who say “I’m just one of the lads” secretly crave male approval?

[TheFluentCrow]

I always hear women saying this as though it’s a badge of honour. But isn’t it really just about wanting validation from men and distancing themselves from other women?

When I have said that as younger it was more about me making clear that there is no attraction between any of us and they consider me a person rather than a female. I also don't wear makeup, not into fashion and all that typically female stuff and I'm not flirty at all so I really was considered as one of the lads. I thought it was reassuring because that meant I could let my guard down.

I meant women who are more selfconfident may feel less likely to feel any need to try to be ‘one of the lads’.

YANBU, it's pick-me / Not Like Other Girls behaviour and it's desperate and weird.

"I'm one of the lads" usually boils down to "I drink beer and join in when the men make sexist comments". I have a group of male friends through gaming but I am not "one of the lads", I'm a friend who is female and I'll call them out on any bullshit. I also have a group of female friends and there's no cliquiness or bitching because we're adults and can act like adults.

‘One of the lads’ or just an equal human individual?

I think it would be one thing if a woman said "I love male company because i Iike the attention of being the only woman/I'm interested in stereotypically male pursuits and like talking to men about them/I want to attract a sexual partner and have more chance of this surrounded by men/my life hasn't brought me into contact with many women because I work in a male dominated profession..." or whatever is their reason for loving men. Fair play to them. Where it becomes an issue is when it's not enough to say they love men, but they have to add a negative generalisation about women to justify it. That's when the internalised misogyny becomes apparant.

That's true, it is a generalisation but I have many close friends of both sswxes and the men are most definitely more easygoing!

Yes, there is usually a reason they don’t get along with other women!

"Groups of men can be simpler & more straightforward to get on with, they tend to have fewer agendas, fewer games are played and schoolgirl type cliques are less of an issue. It’s just so much easier.
The tradeoff for this is that male friendships can be more superficial."

I think that kind of "frailty, thy name is woman" trope is a pile of steaming bullshit but oh well different life experiences I suppose. Male friendships "can be" superficial but IME they are just as likely to be deep, supportive, lifelong friendships as female ones. I have no idea if that is statistically true but it's true of my DH and my brother anyway.

"I'm one of the lads" was also used a lot to reassure girlfriends of boys in a friendship group that the "one of the lads" wasn't trying to sleep with the boys. Spoiler alert: she always was.

Astute observation there, Freud

I think it can go both ways. Some women might adopt the label because they feel they have to in order to be accepted. Others might just genuinely feel more at ease in that setting and use the phrase without overthinking it. It’s the dig at other women undertone that I find off-putting when it shows up.

Agreed. Attention seeking and desperate.
overall most men aren’t even that good friends to each other never mind to women. I strongly believe most men who have close female friends are only their friend cuz that’s all the woman wants to be. One sniff that she might be interested in more than they would be in there straight away

Agee OP. I know one woman who was a work acquaintance, always going on about how she had no female friends was one of the lads. Managed to get herself into my dh friendship circle (same industry) to go for pints and lunch. Whenever I said shes toxic stay away from her my dh was very much like "nah shes just one of the lads I don't see her like that..." well guess who soon started sending my dh flirty and suggestive texts...only once and Dh showed me straught away and blocked her. I was absolutely furious that she even thought she could do that and dh now absolutely ignores her and so have all the other "lads" he is work friend with. So now I suppose she doesn't even have any friends male or female. Oh well

Who even says they're one of the lads? Doesn't that just mean they prefer watching football than talking about shopping if you're in a mixed group for an example, and what's wrong with that? Basically an adult tom boy. Weird judgy people on here. I think if you have an issue with that, that says much more about you than them.

Completely disagree men are more easygoing / simple
I actually think more men struggle with mental health, self esteem, anger issues than women
but they mask it very well for fear of being judged , whereas women are often more likely to discuss their feelings or to play them out in their behaviour
case in point my oh - to the outside world he is the most laid back, unbothered person - behind closed doors he can really struggle when things go wrong / break as he feels bad he can’t immediately fix or rectify things. He struggles with health anxiety and has a massive anxiety around doctors and hospitals . He would never ever discuss this not even with his best friend.

Appreciate the analysis, Jung.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter what the woman says. Because the only time a woman will be viewed by 'the lads' as one of them, is if they have no sexual attraction to her anyway. If a woman is seen as a desirable sexual partner she will never be treated by men as they treat other men. So saying it yourself is pointless. They get to decide that.

I'm very odd then. I love my friends. They're not men. I'm not worried one of them is going to take advantage of me in a taxi after a night out. If that shit never happened to you, lucky you.

I’m torn on this one for the simple fact one of my sisters is “one of the lads” .

she wanted to be a pro footballer, spent her weekends growing up playing for the boys teams, never worn a dress since she was old enough to decide what to wear (not that a woman is based on wearing a dress just painting the picture, her birthday parties were always the boys from the class and did things like go karting, laser quest or of course football parties. When she wasn’t playing footy or training with her team she would play football with the lads from the street or from her team over park after school and on weekends. She’s never worn make up, nails done not even to our brothers wedding, she gets her hair cut in a Barbers, her house looks very much like a bachelor pad, she now into motorcycle racing and goes for three day trips on her bike with her male friends. She goes fishing with them and would never watch a rom com film. She’s very much one of the lads and not a pick me girl at all. We all assumed she may be gay but turns out 5 years ago she started dating her now fiancé who is male. He is great and has the same interests and joins her with her male friends for their road trips. So she is one of the lads but maybe she is an exception

Are you a woman? Is this how you view yourself? A bitchy, game playing, school girl clique cliche? Or is that just an opinion you reserve for other (lesser) women?

Firstly, that assumes that the men in the group are talking about football and the women are talking about shopping - how very reductionist of you.

Secondly, a woman who prefers football wouldn't need to announce it, she just chats about football or whatever and gets on with it. The "one of the lads" type women need to announce it and go on endlessly about it and assume the women are all talking about shopping.

It may seem odd but if that woman as a child was excluded and bullied from female circles cause they were too weird preferring maths to make up you can quite see where it might come from

If you were raped or sexually assaulted by a male friend, I’m sorry. That is an appalling thing to happen.

I don’t think it’s a reason not to have make friends, though. (And yes, I have had it happen. I was a child and he was not a friend .)

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman being into football or having mostly male friends, that’s not really the issue. I was talking about how ‘one of the lads’ sometimes gets used in a way that distances the speaker from other women, as if that’s somehow superior. It’s more about the social messaging behind the phrase than the hobbies themselves.

Does she say she's "one of the lads" or "not like other girls" all the time?

It's the attitude and what is said that makes someone like this, not their hobbies.