Help me see clearly with in laws - taking my daughter on a scary ride without our permission

[InLawDramaAgain]

Due to issues with my inlaws in the past - especially MIL not respecting boundaries and using lots of emotional blackmail I can't see clearly with them.

Me, DH and our 2 children went to Gulliver's World with MIL, BIL and his wife. MIL, BIL and his wife said they would take my 33 month old to the play area bit while me and DH waited in line with our elder son for a ride. The ride was having technical issues so after 15 minutes we went to find them. BIL and his wife had taken our 33 month of DD on the pirate ship ride. While MIL was watching. They did not ask us if this was okay. She just meet the minimum height requirements as she is tall for her age. Every time DD looked at the ride she pulled a terrified look on her face and shaking her head. I was both annoyed and shocked at the time and busy conforting my daughter and did not want to cause a scene at the park and DH never confronted them about this.

They are very enmeshed and from susan forwards toxic inlaws are the engulfers, the controllers and the critics. I am the black sheep. They have negatively effect my mental health. DH is still in the FOG and been conditioned his entire childhood not to roak any boats with his family - its been a long road to set up boundaries with them and when I bring up new issues he just accusses me of causing drama.

1. AIBU to be annoyed by this - taking her on a ride she wasn't ready for without consulting us. And my wet lettuce of a husband not wanting to confront them.
2. AIBU to also send a messge to MIL and BIL addressing this issue
3. AIBU to say no unsupervised access to our children from them - I must be there as DH is too much of a wet lettuce to advocate for them

YABU about the ride situation on its own.... however they sound mean, I sense a bigger picture here of undermining towards you. Try and stick up for yourself but sending messages will make it worse, they will most likely twist it to make you out to be the baddie.

Sorry, OP. You sound like a nightmare on many levels.

You need to post on the Relationships board where MNetters actually know the book you are talking about and the dynamics of this relationship.

Just because a ride is suitable for children doesn't mean all children will like it. They were meant to be in a play area but instead they took your child on a ride. If you had not been taking your youngest on rides then this can be seen as a lack of judgement. It seems to others on here like an over-reaction but if you know the book and FOG then this adds a whole other level to it.

My MIL made small mistakes but she was a lovely, kind, caring woman so we moved on fast from any of it. My sister's MIL is a horrid, manipulative, calculating woman and I am glad that she is not my MIL. Her doing something would be to cause deliberate upset or one-upmanship, so completely different.

Would you be so upset if it was your own family member rather than in laws who took your dd on the ride?

DH is still in the FOG and been conditioned his entire childhood not to roak any boats with his family

Does that include pirate boats?

You can't predict qhta they'll be scared of. My 2and a half year old (no idea how many months 😂) was scared of the gruffalo ride which I didn't expect. I think yabu to expect them to check which ride to go on.

These people are your dc family. ‘No unsupervised access’ is something for keeping your child safe from abuse or neglect. At worst this sounds like a mistake and was meant to be something nice. Your dc could have said she wanted to go on it for all you know.
cut them some slack and be glad they want to be with you and your family.
and as for the FOG your DH is in, maybe you should reflect on who is causing the fog.

I mean, it’s pretty cruel to take a “33 month old” to a toddler’s theme park and not let them go on rides that have been checked and risk assessed by grown ups, who would likely be 360 months old or more, for safety and suitability based on a child’s height.
Poor kid!

So, they took a nearly 3yo on an appropriate ride at a young children’s theme park. That’s why your DH is not saying anything. Your dislike of the in-laws may be well placed, but just not with this particular incident.

Me :-(

Jesus, I’m sure she’ll get over the trauma 🙄

Comforting your daughter for shaking her head and 'looking' scared? 33 months old. It sounds more like you don't like your in laws and have read a therapy book which you are now shoehorning your in laws into in order to justify the fact that you don't like them.

I am 816 next month. Fuck... Now I hate the OP for making me feel old.

You're being sarcastic, surely?

I have a friend like this, putting issues onto their child, and it's so painful to watch.

Most people would assume a pirate ship ride at a kiddy theme park is appropriate for a child that meets the height requirements so unless you think your in laws were deliberately trying to hurt your DD I would leave it.

You are in the process of raising a seriously wimpy kid. I would say that you can learn something from the in laws in that regard.

I don’t know but I do suspect you deliberately said 33 months. No one says that unless they are babyfying.

I have been on a big pirate ship ride and I must admit I didn’t like it, it gave me a big stomach lurch on the down part.

I’ve just googled the ride and the pics show kids on it, it’s smaller than the big one I went on (can’t remember where).

😆 🤣 😂
I just calculated that I, myself, am 512 months. 😆
Omg this made me proper laugh out loud!

511 for me!!!

I’m 864 months!

Have you been on a swing as an adult? Kids can cope with it and feel fine - it’s adults who get weird heads.

756 months!

I hope this thread and the poll results will be a wake up call to you.

There is a problem within the family and unfortunately: it's you.

Horrible written down in black and white, but at least you can deal with it going forwards.

I think you've gotten Into this mind set that your child is your possession and that your in laws are just random people (that you don't like ) that are trying to 'have a piece ' of your child.

They may not be any blood tie for you. But that woman gave birth to your DH and mothered him for all of his childhood. Your little girl is also her son's flesh and blood, her flesh and blood. She is biologically related to your child and is not an "in law" to her.

If you ever have a son : you may live to regret your current behaviour in a few decades time. When the shoe is on the other foot: I'll bet it feels awful.

The pop psychology really needs to be put to bed. A lot of that gumpf is merely theories and unless you're a psychiatrist or psychologist in the position of helping a patient : those theories will help absolutely nobody within your family. Stop reading those books and obsessing over others. Put it down.

One day your in laws (i.e your child's grandparents) will be dead. Let your child enjoy them whilst she has them. It won't be forever. And for goodness sake pick your battles! by all means stick up boundaries for line crossing, but do not find fault where there is none.

Work on yourself a little. Is there a reason you feel threatened by your DH having a family ? Did you feel loved and important by yours ? Is there a reason you feel you need to have so much control over your daughter?

I thought the same. Anyone that says 33 months tends to be babying a nearly pre school age child.

OP your child is nearly 3 and you are being ridiculous. If your in laws were that "toxic" you avoid have waited with dd whilst your dh went onw ride with your son. You sound like a very difficult DIL.