Help me see clearly with in laws - taking my daughter on a scary ride without our permission

[InLawDramaAgain]

Due to issues with my inlaws in the past - especially MIL not respecting boundaries and using lots of emotional blackmail I can't see clearly with them.

Me, DH and our 2 children went to Gulliver's World with MIL, BIL and his wife. MIL, BIL and his wife said they would take my 33 month old to the play area bit while me and DH waited in line with our elder son for a ride. The ride was having technical issues so after 15 minutes we went to find them. BIL and his wife had taken our 33 month of DD on the pirate ship ride. While MIL was watching. They did not ask us if this was okay. She just meet the minimum height requirements as she is tall for her age. Every time DD looked at the ride she pulled a terrified look on her face and shaking her head. I was both annoyed and shocked at the time and busy conforting my daughter and did not want to cause a scene at the park and DH never confronted them about this.

They are very enmeshed and from susan forwards toxic inlaws are the engulfers, the controllers and the critics. I am the black sheep. They have negatively effect my mental health. DH is still in the FOG and been conditioned his entire childhood not to roak any boats with his family - its been a long road to set up boundaries with them and when I bring up new issues he just accusses me of causing drama.

1. AIBU to be annoyed by this - taking her on a ride she wasn't ready for without consulting us. And my wet lettuce of a husband not wanting to confront them.
2. AIBU to also send a messge to MIL and BIL addressing this issue
3. AIBU to say no unsupervised access to our children from them - I must be there as DH is too much of a wet lettuce to advocate for them

😂😂😂😂

As an objective outsider I would say that BIL and his wife were trying to be nice to the younger child by taking her on the ride. Do you really think they were deliberately trying to terrify her? Sending messages about it will make you look like a loon.

To be honest, I would put the psychobabble books away. It’s important for your husband to maintain a relationship with his family. Most of us have family we don’t particularly like or that have slighted us in some way. Stand your ground but in a dignified way. A row about a ride at Gulliver’s is not the hill to die on.

She's nearly 3 in a small child's fair ground and they took her on a ride that was appropriate for her age and size. God yeah go no contact with the fuckers, unforgivable 🙄

Lots of MN trigger words in this post lol

Take a breath and move on its really not a big deal.

33 months, what's that all about?

Utterly bizarre 😂

My BIL and SIL took my dc to Disneyland Paris for a week and I suggested in advance not to take my youngest on a certain ride as I knew it would freak him out. BIL took him on it and then sent photos of DS looking terrified. What did I do? Absolutely nothing. ILs took my dc on the holiday of a lifetime. I said thank you.

But I haven't consulted Susan about any of this so maybe I'm wrong.

I’m sure there are many issues with your in-laws, but I think this has caused you to look for problems where there are none. You don’t say that your DD was crying, shouting or in any other way upset when you got back to her after going on the ride. You are creating an issue here where there is none!

Reading American pop psychology books and over analysing your in-laws in this way will not be at all helpful to your mental health in the long run.

I doubt they're any of the labels that you've applied to them.

I expect they are merely people of a different generation who have neither psychoanalysed and labelled themselves and you to the degree that you have and simply just braved it and took their little granddaughter on a ride that she met the height requirements to go on.

She didn't suffer harm. It's not a big deal.

Putting other people under a microscope and analysing their behaviour and relationships is an unhealthy American adoption that will lead to nothing but misery. I can tell you're spending way too much of your headspace thinking about them.

We cannot control other people. Only ourselves. If they irritate and irk you that much - simply spend less time with them. Let your husband go out with them with the kids whilst you chill out at home. Or say yes to them coming to some days out and no to others. Don't be a martyr. You'll only make yourself miserable.

They're probably just enjoying their grandchild. Your DH was her little boy that she was holding hands with and protecting once upon a time. She'd probably be heartbroken if she knew you'd applied all these labels to her for simply taking her grandchild on a ride. I do feel sorry for MILs sometimes. (And mine was a piece of work sometimes) .

Let this go. It's not worth it. And will only cause misery to you and your nuclear family.

Yabu to say 33 month old.

They entertained her while you were busy. She was tall enough so was safe.

Yabu to say 33 month old.

They entertained her while you were busy. She was tall enough so was safe.

So they took your 3 year old on a giant swing ? Maybe keep your toddler with you at all times and all decisions are yours alone ! Because I don't even think you trust "wet lettuce" husband to make a decision.

Sorry OP, but the whole 33 month thing is rage inducing - your child is almost 3 and went on a ride for 3 year olds. They probably should have checked with you, but they didn’t and she’s fine. It’s batshit to create a load more drama and start issuing ultimatums and telling everyone off over such a non-event, especially if your relationship with them all is tense in the first place.

You also can’t designate yourself the ‘black sheep’ of somebody else’s family - that’s not how the psychology of family dynamics works. You probably need to take a break from them for a bit and calm down.

Hands up who's terrified that by being the mother of a male human that it means bracing yourself for being shut out and hated and seen as a random annoyance in their lives once they're married ?

Get. A. Grip.

She hit the height requirements, it was a children’s ride. Her father was there. You’re just fishing for trouble. I grew up in that environment, it’s horrible.

You clearly don’t like them and you’re trying to pin something on them no matter what.
If you were that concerned, why didn’t you say something to them instead of being ‘a wet lettuce’ like you claim your husband is?! I bet they all have to tread on eggshells around you.

I'm over 600 months old, apparently.

Goodness!

"DH is still in the FOG and been conditioned his entire childhood not to rock any boats with his family" - ironic

The pirate ship ride is just a giant swing. It doesn't look inappropriate for a young child so you can't blame them for thinking it was tame enough for your DD to enjoy. It does sound very much like you totally dislike your in-laws and you think they treat you badly (they may do, I don't know) but I don't think they've done anything wrong in this instance. They're at a theme park, they're left with DGD, they take her on a tame-looking ride? Isn't that just what you do? I wouldn't have been cross with my in-laws had they done this, even if it hadn't worked out well and the kid didn't enjoy the ride, because you can't always predict what will be fun for them.

If you dislike your in-laws to such an extent, don't go places with them or have much to do with them, let your husband do the socialising.

1000% this!

Gulliver’s places are aimed at little children aren’t they? I don’t think you’re being a bit OTT.

You are clearly mad. Was your daughter even upset? Parenting is going to be a long road if you carry on like this.

I agree with this.

However, I wouldn't say it was necessary to ask her if they could take her on a ride appropriate for her age range. It's very controlling to think every micro decision should be run past her.

I think we're getting a real sense of who the nightmare in law is here and it's not the DHs mum and dad!

Also agree with your point on applying pop psychology to in law dynamics

Same here 😂

in response to each point:
YABU. Unless you explicitly said “don’t take her on any rides”. At a theme park the expectation is surely that children will go on rides?? The only real gauge of readiness is height requirements which your daughter met. They all probably thought it looked perfectly suitable for her as it is just a big swing! That she didn’t enjoy it afterwards, or that’s your perception, is not their fault. No lasting harm has been done.
YABU. See above. What would this achieve other than drama?
YABU. See above. No harm has been done.