Page 9 | To cancel our weeekend away?

Pungifries · 2025-08-07T22:49:06+00:00

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments. He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund… However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week….. to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ? I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

Anon4778 · 09/08/2025 07:02

GiveDogBone · 09/08/2025 06:45

“I'm just so fed up of women dating broke men who leech off them you see it here all the time”

Maybe he married a gold-digging bitch who took him to the cleaners? Probably a far more likely and frequent occurrence.

Show quote history

Oh yes, his shit decision making, complete disregard for and financial exploitation of the OP simply MUST be down to the presence of a terrible woman in his past…. Get a grip!

SunnyCoco · 09/08/2025 07:12

Mate he owes you over £1,000
But he goes out for dinner once a week, went on a 5-day stag... He has no intention of paying you back.
Do not use your refund to buy him a nice dinner, honestly.

Set up a repayment agreement. This is your child's money he is happily spending.
Your child is your priority.

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:14

He prioritised the stag and the dinner. Not the weekend with you.

On that basis I would cancel the weekend away, and the evening meal and suggest a celebration when he can afford one. I would seriously reconsider this relationship, not just because of the financial issues but because it is not being valued by him at all.

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:15

Poopeepoopee · 08/08/2025 00:01

Sorry if it sounded harsh - It wasn't meant to be harsh I'm just so fed up of women dating broke men who leech off them you see it here all the time. It also sounds as though he was saying "well, yeah, I'll go, but you're gonna have to pay for everything because I don't think you're worth spending my money on"

When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Show quote history

To throw it on its head what about women who leech off men? A good relationship is far more than money and materialistic things but on MN unless a man can fully support a woman to sit on her lardy a@@@ they’re a waste of space!

MzHz · 09/08/2025 07:20

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:05

@Poopeepoopee didn’t think it was harsh at all. Perfectly succinct!
flowers/ gifts were plentiful on the first months but have tailed off.

He’s genuinely one of the nicest men I’ve known. Kind, listens, cares and I trust him. But the money situation is really starting to taint things

You know that’s an act right?

he’s pretending to be the person you think you’re dating.

end it. Seriously. You’re worth better.

he owes you money- still - didn’t prioritise paying you back over a stag do abroad

now he’s taking your money by being broke on the weekend. He’s teaching you to take in a cock lodger

who will go on to resent you.

this man isn’t who you think he is.

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:20

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:14

He prioritised the stag and the dinner. Not the weekend with you.

On that basis I would cancel the weekend away, and the evening meal and suggest a celebration when he can afford one. I would seriously reconsider this relationship, not just because of the financial issues but because it is not being valued by him at all.

Edited

A stag do is a one off event, a weekend away can happen at any time! Why do MNers thing men should support the woman in a relationship the who time! We’re no longer in the Downton Abbey era. Many women have worked tirelessly for equality for women yet on here they want to drag women back to the 19th century! It’s still possible to go away, have a good time and not spend a fortune!

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:22

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:15

To throw it on its head what about women who leech off men? A good relationship is far more than money and materialistic things but on MN unless a man can fully support a woman to sit on her lardy a@@@ they’re a waste of space!

Show quote history

Stop with the fucking blatant misogyny. We can all see what you are.

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:23

MzHz · 09/08/2025 07:20

You know that’s an act right?

he’s pretending to be the person you think you’re dating.

end it. Seriously. You’re worth better.

he owes you money- still - didn’t prioritise paying you back over a stag do abroad

now he’s taking your money by being broke on the weekend. He’s teaching you to take in a cock lodger

who will go on to resent you.

this man isn’t who you think he is.

Show quote history

Seriously? Grown up and stop expecting men to provide everything so you can sit on your lardy a@@@. I earn far more than my DH, I pay for nice things and sometimes he does! No wonder so many in here end up sad and lonely they expect everything and do nothing in return!

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:25

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:20

A stag do is a one off event, a weekend away can happen at any time! Why do MNers thing men should support the woman in a relationship the who time! We’re no longer in the Downton Abbey era. Many women have worked tirelessly for equality for women yet on here they want to drag women back to the 19th century! It’s still possible to go away, have a good time and not spend a fortune!

Show quote history

He can’t even afford a takeaway!!!!! So no that is not going to be fun. He will be eating beans all weekend because this particular Prince spent every last penny on a grotty stag!

Honestly op, you can do FAR better than this. He is not ‘long term’ material by any stretch, and you have wasted a year of your life already. Cut your losses asap.

MzHz · 09/08/2025 07:26

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:15

To throw it on its head what about women who leech off men? A good relationship is far more than money and materialistic things but on MN unless a man can fully support a woman to sit on her lardy a@@@ they’re a waste of space!

Show quote history

This is not fully support someone in a serious relationship who has fallen on a tough patch

this is a new relationship where he’s put in just enough effort to get @Pungifries on the hook, now he’s leaning back, arms crossed and priorities are on his stag or dinner.

borrowing money in a new relationship is a huge red flag. Especially if he’s not making any effort to repay it and is telling @Pungifries that she needs to fund this.

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:27

Focus on getting your money back that he owes you (that is a massive red flag in the first place) I think you are going to find out he is in TONS of debt, and he is looking for a quick solution in the shape of a high earning girlfriend. I would be running for the hills after my money was paid back in full.

echt · 09/08/2025 07:29

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:15

To throw it on its head what about women who leech off men? A good relationship is far more than money and materialistic things but on MN unless a man can fully support a woman to sit on her lardy a@@@ they’re a waste of space!

Show quote history

Why don't you start a thread with this scenario and see how it works out?

echt · 09/08/2025 07:33

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:23

Seriously? Grown up and stop expecting men to provide everything so you can sit on your lardy a@@@. I earn far more than my DH, I pay for nice things and sometimes he does! No wonder so many in here end up sad and lonely they expect everything and do nothing in return!

Show quote history

@MzHz 's post was about the actions of the boyfriend, who has borrowed from her and not repaid. There has been no expectation by the OP that she should be supported by him, just that he pulls his weight.

TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 07:34

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 07:22

Stop with the fucking blatant misogyny. We can all see what you are.

Show quote history

It’s as predictable as night following day.

Every thread that vaguely criticises a man, along come the mansplainers to scold and tell us why women are worse.

The misogyny is beyond tedious.

Canijustsayonething · 09/08/2025 07:37

SunnyCoco · 09/08/2025 07:12

Mate he owes you over £1,000
But he goes out for dinner once a week, went on a 5-day stag... He has no intention of paying you back.
Do not use your refund to buy him a nice dinner, honestly.

Set up a repayment agreement. This is your child's money he is happily spending.
Your child is your priority.

This!
If, and that's a BIG if, you decide to stay with him, the first priority is that he pays you his portion of the holiday that he still owes you. Sod the swanning off on a stag-do, weekly meals out shit...he pays you back first and foremost! CF!!!

Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 09/08/2025 07:38

I don't think op will see her money back as a lot of the time in these types of scenarios once the funs been had the impetus to repay the debt wanes.
Also all manner of reasons for being able to repay will happen.
Car needs fixing, birthdays, Xmas, unexpected bill blah blah.

BuckChuckets · 09/08/2025 07:40

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 23:02

Thanks everyone. Need to put my big girl pants on I think

Please do this, don't just let it go!

27TimesAway · 09/08/2025 07:45

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 21:03

Hi all, sorry I’m only just catching up, been at work.

to be clear, we had discussed a weekend away/ lodge type break for his birthday prior to me booking it , and the original plan was always that he would contribute to food etc. We made plans together as to what we would like to do in the area.
He regularly eats out with friends at least once a week , so can normally afford it and it would not break the bank if he did it this weekend, as agreed and promised (if not for the stag do).

I have spoken to him about it and as he feels so bad at having spent up on the stag do that we’ve decided to cancel and use the money (full refund) to go for a nice meal instead.

and yes @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon and @Poopeepoopee you are both spot on, I’m very embarrassed, it’s north of the figure you said and yes, it was also a hol with my little one. He promised to repay within 4 months and as yet, I’ve had about 5% back, but always a reason why.
he was 100% in favour and encouraging this holiday. Probably more so than me, so was certainly not a situation of me pushing him into it because I can afford.

if the lodge was a one off incident, I would absolutely cover it..but it’s all the circumstances / events together that made me reach out to Mumsnet for a head wobble.

@CrumbsInMyBra , I understand where you’re coming from and absolutely see more in him than a bank balance.
It’s more the lack of sincerity and breach of trust, actions speaking louder than words etc etc that concerns me for the future. If this is the deal I have to take, I would rather be a spinster than a fool whatever my age.

Edited

I'm glad you have cancelled and are re-thinking the relationship. He might not meant to sponge off you, but that's the result.

I have a good friend. She owns her own (mortgaged) house but earns pennies working very part time as a freelancer due to significant health issues. Her partner moved in 20 years ago but does not contribute a penny to the mortgage or to bills (he says, it's not my house, why should I?' but has lived there rent free all this time. He had a big job and has both a private pension and an army pension and investments. They 'keep their finances separate' which means that she pays for everything and he hoards his money. She paid the bills for his Dcs when they were staying at their place as part of EOW custody arrangements.

Those Dcs are now adults and they come with their own children to her house for a few weeks a year and she pays for everything then too. I was having coffee with her last week and her Step daughter rang her and asked her to transfer some money into the step-DDs account so the step-DD could take her own dd to visit a local attraction. I have bitten my tongue for a long while but after she hung up (and moaned about how much money she was spending on her partners children) I said WTF.

She explained that in the beginning he did not have much money (divorce, children, maintenance to ex) and she was happy to help out. But that just became the habit and she has pretty much subsidised his entire life for the past 20 years... . There is more- much more that I won't go into but she knows she's been a mug.

I hope you, OP, don't fall into that situation. I am not sure you said and I missed it, but do you live together? There is a phrase I first heard on MN; 'Nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live'. He might be very nice and all that. But already you have the niggling feeling you are being taken for a ride. I hope you are vigilant to that.

ETA- edited because my paragraphs were too long and for clarity.

Addictedtohotbaths · 09/08/2025 07:50

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/08/2025 00:40

Hi bf, I’ve cancelled the weekend. Let’s go for a walk? I’d happily pay for takeaway if this relationship were balanced, but you are very clear that you prefer to spend all your spare cash on going out with friends, so that’s where we are at. It would be a big mistake for me to put more in financially with a man who’s telling me I’m not a priority. Like I said, we can do something free like a walk if you like?

Love this!

BrendaSmall · 09/08/2025 07:55

Surely if it’s a birthday treat, it’s up to you to pay?
Why should he pay if it’s your idea for his birthday?

sunnymummy238 · 09/08/2025 07:57

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 08:45

I think ending the relationship is very likely.

a few have mentioned about low standards etc. I think that’s very true. I don’t get out very much as my child’s dad doesn’t see him don’t have much of a network (both parents have died in the last 3 years). So meeting him felt really lucky. I’m probably hanging in there for longer then I know I should because I don’t really want to be in my own again

I feel for you, OP. Life isn’t so straightforward. I was in a very similar position to you. I resolved it by living a quiet life with the man, one he could afford. I went out with my friends when I wanted to do things he couldn’t afford. We’ve been married for 10 years now and he has an income from renting his home out and lives with me, sharing the costs. He’s a good, kind partner and although he can’t afford to do fabulous things, his caring and help means more.

Jonesboot · 09/08/2025 08:00

'i suppose knowing that he came back from the stag, went for a meal out and now has no money for our trip is stinging.'

See I'd be pissed off that he decided to pay for the stag, and then the meal, while also failing to repay your loan to him in the timescale agreed.

He's a complete piss taker, but I think from what you say Op, he won't be in your life much longer. I hope he repays your loan...

Jonesboot · 09/08/2025 08:02

BrendaSmall · 09/08/2025 07:55

Surely if it’s a birthday treat, it’s up to you to pay?
Why should he pay if it’s your idea for his birthday?

She paid for the accommodation as his gift and was happy to pay for a large part of other costs. Was just hoping he was considerate enough to buy a few rounds, maybe a reasonably priced meal.

BrendaSmall · 09/08/2025 08:05

Jonesboot · 09/08/2025 08:02

She paid for the accommodation as his gift and was happy to pay for a large part of other costs. Was just hoping he was considerate enough to buy a few rounds, maybe a reasonably priced meal.

Show quote history

When we do something like this for a birthday, the person who’s birthday it is doesn’t pay for anything, lol usually my husband does it for me, even a week abroad, he pays for everything from the minute we leave home until we get back home again, as it’s his treat to me!

Tistheseason17 · 09/08/2025 08:10

He's not broke.
He just doesn't want to pay you back or spend money on you.
Walk away now and write off the debt.
Never lend what you can't afford to lose.
Going out every week with his mates and claiming poverty to you.
He is not one of the good ones - he's manipulative and clever and gaslighting you.