To cancel our weeekend away?

[Pungifries]

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

Thanks everyone
really appreciate these perspectives
I think I know in my heart that I/ the relationship isn’t a priority but need to get these rose tinted glasses forcibly removed.

luckily I have you wonderfully honest and straight talking people to help with that x

Surely if he stays at home he'll need to buy food?

Hmmm. I wouldn't book to take my partner away for his 40th birthday and expect him to pay. Especially knowing that he had a five day trip abroad the week before.

However the owing money thing...is it money that you need? If so, very selfish of him to go on the stag.

I take it you don't have joint finances? Maybe it's time to have the talk. Does he have a pension? Presumably no savings?

I wouldn't cancel the lodge though. Get a load of supermarket food and make the most of the BBQ/hot tub.

Hi bf, I’ve cancelled the weekend. Let’s go for a walk? I’d happily pay for takeaway if this relationship were balanced, but you are very clear that you prefer to spend all your spare cash on going out with friends, so that’s where we are at. It would be a big mistake for me to put more in financially with a man who’s telling me I’m not a priority. Like I said, we can do something free like a walk if you like?

you know yourself if this is just a short squeeze - ie he had an expensive month, his focus was a little off - vs if this is a pattern

if it is a pattern then it’s up to you if you think it’s worth correcting the course - eg we aren’t living together, we want to have fun, how much can we chip in per month (you might decide to prorate to salary) and what repayment plan works too - or if you end it

is dp thoughtful about free or low cost days or just waiting for you to spend money?

He booked on the stag after the lodge was booked…(took a cancelled spot)

I suppose I did expect him to contribute something to the shopping bill as I know this is what I’d do. There’s no way I’d let a new-ish partner pay everything to a weekend away and me never put my hand in my pocket…But I suppose this may be different expectations.

But he booked a last minute cancellation place on a stag when he already owes you money. That’s the bigger issue here

I wouldn't be paying for an expensive lodge trip for someone who hadn't paid me back for the last trip.

Although I would also be expecting someone who's just been on a stag do to be fairly skint.

Was this a surprise or was he involved in the planning, and budgeting?

Does he evern want to go to a country lodge with a hot tub? It does sound a bit like one of those presents that are more about the giver than the recipient, that perhaps the whole thing might appeal to you more than him? .

That’s what I would do too, but I don’t think there’s a future in this relationship and the OP knows that deep down.

I feel like a pattern is emerging …but I honestly don’t think it’s intentional. I think he’s just very bad at budgeting/ financial planning.

He’s messaging me now saying how sad he is that he can’t afford next weekend.
I feel awful for even posting this now 😞

Is it ever a two-way street? Does he treat you too? Is the owing money a recurrent thing or is it a one-off?

How long did he have to plan for this weekend. Was it a surprise birthday present or did he know it was coming up.when he booked the stag? Did you know about the stag when you booked it?

Why are you/he booking trips he can't afford - the one he already owes you for?

I don’t think I could date him. I always have cash available for going out, and would expect the same of a partner. I am also reasonably careful with my finances.
They would have to be bloody amazing in other ways for me to possibly overlook it.

@Photopic
that’s a good point, perhaps I did book something that I’d like.
we had talked about a weekend away/ romantic hot tub etc but maybe I jumped in the idea as it sounded great to me!

Devil's Advocate though: It's not a random weekend away, it's his 40th and OP has booked to take him away. Why should he be spending money on her?

I didn't put my hand in my pocket when my partner took me away for my 40th, and neither did he when we went away for his.

It does seem like there are wider issues though.

I would stop paying for anything for him immediately tbh. I had this sort of set up with an ex and it did not end well. People who respect you and want to make a good impression do not habitually make you pay for everything when you're dating. Don't be a soft touch like I was. Xx

You sound like a lovely person OP and I’m worried his ‘niceness’ is so he can sponge off you! I would be very very annoyed at someone who owed me money but went on a 5 day stay and meal out, then said they didn’t have money to go for a meal or even contribute to a food shop for a lovely bday weekend you had booked. Defo id be either cancelling this weekend or going with someone else. No presents for bday until he pays you back for the original loan. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean you should pay - ur defo right to save it for ur kids! You’re not married, you don’t have a joint account, it’s too early in the relationship for him to be using u as bank of mum and dad. Do things at his budget until he proves himself worthy. Or gets a better job or better with his money management! Good luck OP you do sound really like a nice person! Xx

Technically you should be paying for the whole weekend if it is his birthday present, as it's not really a present if the other person has to pay for / towards it.
Tho it is nice if the birthday person takes the other person out for dinner during the weekend and pays.

However

he knew this weekend was coming up and he obiv spent too much last weekend
nor could he actually afford to go out for the big meal afterwards.

It is not your responsibility nor your problem if he does have an x wife and children to support, you have your own children who are your responsibility.

How long ago was this previous trip that he still owes you money for ? how did that situation arise and is there a time frame for repayment ?

Did he know about the stag weekend before he went on the previous trip with you ?
if so had he already paid for it ?

How does he know you earn more than him ?

Kind, caring and being a listener does not pay the bills.

If say in 5 years time you were married to him - do you want to be the main bill payer taking responsibility for the finances and providing them...

@Photopic cross post…
this has been booked for 3 months and he booked and attended the stag do in between

@JMSA …in other ways , yes in terms of time and attention which are more important than money. But I suppose this is more about priorities

p.s. I would be cancelling.

Ahaa, so he prioritised the stag. That’s not great. Sorry OP, I think you deserve better x

Thanks all
the previous trip was booked on the agreement he would pay me back over 4 months.
I booked this trip a few weeks into this “agreement” as a birthday gift expecting the agreed payment to come but unfortunately very little has materialised

i suppose if he had paid this “agreement” I’d be more amenable to getting the shopping etc