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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our weeekend away?

305 replies

Pungifries · 07/08/2025 23:49

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 09:00

ParmaVioletTea · 09/08/2025 08:55

I’m going against the main trend of opinion in two ways:

maybe he’s just not that fussed about an all out celebration of his 40th birthday. Maybe he wanted to prioritise spending time with male friends than spending a lot of money on himself and his birthday. And that’s ok.

You wanted the plush weekend away and the wining and dining. So in my view, the costs are on you. Why would you expect your boyfriend to treat you on his birthday treat?

only a year into a relationship - I think you have some unrealistic expectations and you’re expecting wining and dining paid for by him, even on his birthday treat

Did you miss where she paid for them to go on holiday and he still owes her over a grand for his share which he’s not paying back?

Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 09/08/2025 09:00

ParmaVioletTea · 09/08/2025 08:55

I’m going against the main trend of opinion in two ways:

maybe he’s just not that fussed about an all out celebration of his 40th birthday. Maybe he wanted to prioritise spending time with male friends than spending a lot of money on himself and his birthday. And that’s ok.

You wanted the plush weekend away and the wining and dining. So in my view, the costs are on you. Why would you expect your boyfriend to treat you on his birthday treat?

only a year into a relationship - I think you have some unrealistic expectations and you’re expecting wining and dining paid for by him, even on his birthday treat

He doesn't have a lot of money in the first place he was the one that pushed for a holiday for himself and his children and op and her child.
He had no funds though and agreed to pay half he still owes her over a grand and minimal effort to pay op back.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 09/08/2025 09:11

I’d be cross when he’d not paid this money to you back and yet managed a lads holiday etc.

I’d be getting it back then kicking him into touch.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 09/08/2025 09:21

If he can borrow money from a single mother with a child to go on a stag do, there's something majorly lacking in his conscience. Of course he's sad about the weekend, he thought he was all set for a freebie and sex on tap.... there's nothing romantic about paying a man for sex, which is effectively what you're doing. Spend that money on yourself and your child.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 09/08/2025 09:23

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:23

Seriously? Grown up and stop expecting men to provide everything so you can sit on your lardy a@@@. I earn far more than my DH, I pay for nice things and sometimes he does! No wonder so many in here end up sad and lonely they expect everything and do nothing in return!

Show quote history

Can I pay for myself to sit on my lardy arse or do I need to wait for a man to pay for it?

I also earn far more than my DH so now I'm confused. Do I need to lose weight before I can sit on my arse or can I continue being fat but pay for it myself?

Please respond asap cos I'm getting tired standing up.

🙄

snemrose · 09/08/2025 09:24

He owes you a lot of money and still went on a stag do. And he wasn’t embarrassed about doing that? That tells you all you need to.

aneelli · 09/08/2025 09:36

Him mssging you saying he is sad he can’t afford the weekend, that’s him trying to get you to feel bad and not cancel but fund the whole trip. He isn’t a man. The fact he has no shame telling a new gf he is broke, says a lot about him, I would seriously consider leaving as it’s not worth it, it’ll only get worse and you’ll resent him for having to always pay

LucyMonth · 09/08/2025 09:36

Are most people in relationships we’re both parties earn equal amounts throughout the entire relationship? Are there not plenty of relationships where the man earns more and often subsidies his female partner (& often her kids too)!

A stag do is a one off event. He didn’t choose when or what the stag do was. If I had to pick spending money on my friends hen do or paying for things on a trip for my own birthday which was actually organised by my partner (significantly higher earning partner) and not me…I’d pick the hen do.

After only a year together he shouldn’t be owing you money for trips away. You either book trips both of you can actually afford or you pay for trips as a percentage of your income eg you pay 60% and he pays 40%.

You can of course dump him and find someone who is a higher earner or doesn’t have the financial responsibility of kids, but unless you think he’s actively taking the piss out of the situation then that’s pretty crappy if he’s a wonderful partner otherwise.

ShodAndShadySenators · 09/08/2025 09:37

@Pungifries Well, he might seem lovely and caring and all that, but inside his mind is working out how he can get you to pay for stuff without taking into account the awkwardness of the significant sum of money he owes you.

He could have set up a direct debit to pay you in instalments to ensure you get your money back, but he chose not to do that. He chose to go on the five day stag instead of paying you, and chose to go on the dinner with his mates. Those are not the actions of someone who is uncomfortable with owing another person money, they are the actions of someone who is trying to avoid paying you back for as long as possible. Then he sends you a "I'm so sad" message!

Kind, listens, cares. He might seem nice on the outside, but inside he's a selfish, manipulative user.

Buddhalover · 09/08/2025 09:41

I'd put money on the fact he'll find cash to go out with his mates to celebrate his 40th! Also, if he's been on a stag there's a wedding to follow. No doubt with a "plus one" invite. Guess who will be paying for that accommodation , gift etc? Nah, you can do so much better. Cut your loses on this one.

MCF86 · 09/08/2025 09:43

Horserider5678 · 09/08/2025 07:20

A stag do is a one off event, a weekend away can happen at any time! Why do MNers thing men should support the woman in a relationship the who time! We’re no longer in the Downton Abbey era. Many women have worked tirelessly for equality for women yet on here they want to drag women back to the 19th century! It’s still possible to go away, have a good time and not spend a fortune!

Show quote history

it was a stag do he wasn't originally part of, which suggests to me it wasn't something he would have felt guilty for not attending.

Doggymummar · 09/08/2025 09:45

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:50

He’s messaging me now saying how sad he is that he can’t afford next weekend.
I feel awful for even posting this now 😞

Messaging at midnight, probably after a few drinks, hoping you'll cave in. That would seal it for me. Farewell sponger.

AliceMaforethought · 09/08/2025 09:48

user1491934176 · 08/08/2025 00:03

Im on the fence, we don’t know about his financial situation, kids, etc. He has at least been honest with you so unless there is a reason why not to go for you money-wise, I’d go, enjoy it and expect the favour returned or look at your relationship. Once or twice is fine but a third is having a laugh. Have a good weekend! X

I'd agree that the lodge in itself isn't the issue: if it was just that, absent any other context, I would say that nobody was being unreasonable and that it was just one of those things. However, the fact that this man owes OP money AND is going on an extravagant stag do doesn't bode well. I'd bin him off, personally.

Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 09/08/2025 09:48

He has all the characteristics of a leech.

TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 09:49

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:49

I feel like a pattern is emerging …but I honestly don’t think it’s intentional. I think he’s just very bad at budgeting/ financial planning.

Sorry OP I think you’re being very naive here. He knows he owes you money and he’s making a deliberate choice to avoid paying you back hoping you’ll waive the debt. He’s finding the money to prioritise socialising when it suits him - he knows he can turn on the emotional blackmail to guilt trip you into bankrolling him . He’s not a nice man - he’s literally stealing money from you and you children, don’t fall for it and make excuses for him. He’s talking you for a mug.

Has he made noises about moving in with you yet? That’ll be his next trick

snemrose · 09/08/2025 09:51

Just a thought - is there a reason he wasn’t originally supposed to be going on the stag? Either he wasn’t invited so chose to spend money he owes you on a man he’s not particularly close to or he was invited but couldn’t afford it and still made the choice to spend money that owes you because he didn’t want to miss out with them but was alright to miss out with you?

bevm72yellow · 09/08/2025 09:55

If he was mowing the lawn/ fixing your car/ diy or being generally useful then spend the money on the trip. Otherwise, no he is taking advantage and benefiting from you and your child

Original poster
Pungifries · 09/08/2025 10:09

Thanks everyone
I think I’ve been a bit naive generally
I’m going to speak to him tomorrow about a proper repayment plan for the money and a DD setting up. If he won’t do this, I have my answer and will just cut my losses

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/08/2025 10:16

I would go and pay and have a nice time. Then end the relationship when you get back.

Damnloginpopup · 09/08/2025 10:16

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 23:02

Thanks everyone. Need to put my big girl pants on I think

Decide for yourself. Nobody else on here is affected by your decision but the continual howling for LTB blood on here...you said he's a lovely man. He makes you happy? Would life actually be better if you said goodbye?

If he's shit with budgeting - and very many people are - you need to have that talk and manage expectations (yours AND his) as he might live spending time with you but find that it takes the remainder of his usual 'operating budget'. Which the stag has done, which the previous holiday has done and so on. You already said he's down to eating beans FFS. Being the underdog earner and trying to keep up is actually pretty shit, been both sides myself.

bananafake · 09/08/2025 10:17

Stressybetty · 08/08/2025 18:18

Yep just agreeing you're obviously not a priority for him, clearly he had money to spend on the stag but none for you. Either he's really bad at managing his cash or he thinks you'll cover his share and forgive or forget what he owes you. If you want to stay with him I think you'll need to be very strict on what you pay for, don't ever let him move in with you and don't lend him any more money.

It's this not the money that does it for me. Guys that prioritise their mates don't change. The stag was bad enough but the big meal too. When he already owes you money.

Two massive red flags: he doesn't respect you (the manipulative I'm sad post shows that); he won't ever prioritise you over his mates. Ask me how I know OP.

These kill relationships and wreck your self esteem. Death by a thousand cuts.

Climbingrosexx · 09/08/2025 10:20

If you go and pay for everything will it take the shine off the trip? Years ago my hubby (we were not married at the time) said he would take me out for a meal. At the end of it he said I will pay, now you can settle up later! I was usually happy to go half but I thought this was his treat, I was awake all night fuming! Now that was a one off and he is generous and lovely or I would not have married him. My point is though do you find resentment is building? If he went on a 5 day stag do where did he get the money? Can he find money for his mates and not you? I think this needs a serious talk but maybe for now I would cancel and use the money for a meal out. It sends a message that you are not a bottomless pit of money. Hope you sort it

NellitheNelephant · 09/08/2025 10:34

I once went out with someone who, on a first date, forgot his wallet at home. I thought nothing of it and paid for the meal. He was the loveliest man I had met in the longest time. It was only after the divorce, when I was reflecting on his several misdemeanours, that I realised that he hadn't forgotten his wallet at all.

The man was a nightmare and didn't allow me to break free without a fight. You don't have to put yourself through this misery. Get rid.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 09/08/2025 10:39

He knew this trip was booked with you, but...

He prioritised spending money on a stag do where he wasn't even an original invite, he was a second tier invite, but they still outranked you!

He prioritised spending money on eating out with friends!

He manages to have the money to eat out weekly with his friends!

He knows you're a single mum who has your own financial responsibilities!

And he does all this knowing he still owes you money!

There is no relationship to save here. Tell him you want what he owes you, he can pull the cash out on his credit card if he must, and then to get to fuck.

Radiatorsa · 09/08/2025 10:42

Pungifries · 09/08/2025 10:09

Thanks everyone
I think I’ve been a bit naive generally
I’m going to speak to him tomorrow about a proper repayment plan for the money and a DD setting up. If he won’t do this, I have my answer and will just cut my losses

Do it by text.
So you have proof for a small claims court claim.
He is depending on you being too embarrassed and a doormat, to force the point.

Dating 101, if men are allowing you to pay, you have a waster on your hands.

Won't be popular to write, but I have never read of someone who didn't have regrets about a man who had money for anything else but spending time with them.

You really shouldn't be paying for a man if you want to find a decent one.