To cancel our weeekend away?

[Pungifries]

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

Did you read the part where he is still owes op over a grand for a holiday for op,her dc, him and his two Dc,This was before the 5day stag . He's made very little effort to pay her back.

Tricky one. My husband books trips for me and therefore pays, and vice versa. So on this instance I would have been paying for the meals out anyway.

Cancel the holiday, and spent money on your child.

Grown man should not expect a woman to treat him to holidays, and especially if she is a single mum.

Still her decision to book a birthday treat for him though!!
Why book something that you’re not prepared to pay for?

A lot of PP seem to have missed the bit where he’s stalling on paying her back the grand he owes her but manages to find the money for a 5 day bender and weekly nights out with his mates as they fall over themselves to tell her she’s in the wrong to expect him to put his hand in his pocket.

Its no wonder freeloading men get away with it when there’s too many women ready to make excuses for them.

Just like he shouldn’t have agreed to a family holiday he couldn’t afford to pay his share for then?

Oh wow op. After your update and seeing that he owes you £1000++, I wouldn't be spending any of the refund on a meal for him. He owes you hell of a lot and the bare face cheek that he managed to find the money to pay for a stag do while owing you that eye watering amount is inexcusable.

Of course he was encouraging the holiday! You were paying for the whole thing! I don't know op, he sounds like a bit of a user and i'd be worried about getting that money back.

I think you need to be firm on a repayment plan. £500 a month until it's paid off. He shouldn't have borrowed that high amount if he had no means to repay it, which seems more likely as he kept putting it off.

And please make him to pay you back his debt - it's literally food out of your child's mouth.

I’ve said it on MN before and I’ll say it again here, being charming and generous in life, particularly at the start of a relationship is not necessarily a sign of who they are but what they want.

Charm is not a personality trait it’s a deliberate behaviour to ingratiate and manipulate a person or situation to your advantage or in your favour.

You see who someone really is over time, through their actions, and any mismatch between this and their words becomes clear because if it’s a mask or a pretence they will give themselves away. He’s showing you the real him and his priorities.

If he still owes you money yet went away for five days and had a big meal upon return he has zero respect for you . Basically taking it for granted that you can wait for your money . So disrespectful. I would cancel and as a PP said seriously reconsider if this is what you want in a relationship.

I wouldn’t like this at all, it’s time to confront the situation. I would message him to say that your sad as well, sad that’s it been in the pipeline for 3 months and he prioritised the stag and his friends over you. If he can’t prioritise you or the relationship in any meaningful way then it feels a waste to continue seeing each other.

If he’s perfect in every other way then it might be worth seeing if he just needs a reality check, but stop spending money on him and be prepared to put him in the bin.

It would for me too. Sounds like you are not top of his priority list.

The problem isn't the weekend away - since I'd never expect someone to contribute to their own 'big' birthday present - it's that he hasn't paid back the money he owes you and has been using it for jollies for himself.

The stag would have been the final straw for me, not this weekend that has had to be cancelled. But I'd have been bringing up the debt every single time he was throwing money around with his mates.

It's not even that he's not prioritising you - he's not prioritising his debts, and that's massively unattractive in a potential life partner.

I would just pay for a takeaway for his birthday, tell him the money refunded for the lodge went on bills. I would tell him you’re struggling because of the money you lent him and you need it back asap. Tell him you have holiday insurance and are seriously thinking of cancelling the holiday.
Watch his reaction, does he seem put out that you haven’t spent much? He’s already celebrated his 40th on the stage do with his mates! If he promises to start paying you back but then makes excuses or pays you once and starts making excuses then you know he isn’t the guy for you.
You’ve only been with him a year yet you are digging deep into the coffers to keep him happy, money that should be for you and your DC. You only book holidays with people who can pay their half or pay instalments to the travel agents if you’ve only known them a year, you don’t lend money north of a thousand if you don’t know if they pay their debts back on time. Only lend money if it’s an amount your ok with losing if they don’t pay. If you feel embarrassed to say no just say you don’t have that amount spare.
He owes you, it’s a debt and a big red flag that he prioritises his social life over paying it back! I bet his mates lent him money for the stag do too, they won’t be too polite or embarrassed to tell him to pay up and neither should you.

No but the op said she booked accomodation and they discussed him picking up some of the meals out. She also said she would have paid for it all if he hadn't already owed her money.

The fact he owes you north of £1000, booked a stag trip after this fact (andc wasnt close enough to be invited first), still is able to go on meals out without paying you back and finally suggested that you could go but he wouldn't be able to contribute tells you exactly the person he is - a user.

And to think some people are still saying, still go with him op or you should have expected to buy the food is crazy.

OP do not use the refund money to pay for a meal. Just tell him straight and that you would like the money owed asap. Forget the meal - he doesn't deserve it!

Op I get it. It's awkward going back on plans and you still feel like you're a team so don't want to hurt him. But I do feel like he's taking advantage here. I think if you go for this meal and pay for a nice meal £300+, you will probably feel worse. Especially if he sits there ordering wine, expensive food because it's celebrating his bday. If you've been together a year, you must have had a birthday. What did he do for you for that op?

I still think you should cancel the meal. Maybe offer to take it off what he owes you and settle on a takeaway. He doesn't deserve to be wined and dined. He needs to feel some consequences, not you treating him to a nice expensive meal because he's feeling sad that he spent all his money! Think about that op!

Make sure they're the ones with the pockets full of brave.

If you’re determined to still take him for a meal please make it somewhere very modest, and don’t get him any additional gift. I’ve a feeling you are going to look back on this relationship and regret every penny you spent on him. Anyone who has sympathy for him on the thread either hasn’t read your posts properly or is a wind-up misogynist.

What kind of person accepts a loan of over £1000 to take their kids on holiday, from a girlfriend of less than a year, and doesn’t prioritise paying it back? And encourages a 40th birthday weekend that would total hundreds of pounds for accommodation and travel and then would also not expect to pay for a penny for food etc? This isn’t a longstanding marriage, it’s a new relationship.

Please value yourself a bit more OP, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there too.

Why are you so angry? No one is suggesting men pay for everything so take your anger on this and maybe start your own thread as the op dies not expect him to pay for everything but no sponge off her and fail to pay back what he owes.

He’s really not a genuinely nice man - those men don’t expect their partner of less than a year bankroll their family holiday, make excuses not to pay back money they owe and prioritise jolly ups with their mates over repaying debts to their gf.

The grand he owes you could pay for you and your DC have a break away together. Don’t priorities a man over your kids

I know it’s not the point of the thread but having a full on blended family holiday after less than a year together seems too much too soon imo.

Well that's great but the op not only paid for accomodation but she was still waiting on over £1000 plus the fact they discussed him contributing to the food/meals.

I’m going against the main trend of opinion in two ways:

maybe he’s just not that fussed about an all out celebration of his 40th birthday. Maybe he wanted to prioritise spending time with male friends than spending a lot of money on himself and his birthday. And that’s ok.

You wanted the plush weekend away and the wining and dining. So in my view, the costs are on you. Why would you expect your boyfriend to treat you on his birthday treat?

only a year into a relationship - I think you have some unrealistic expectations and you’re expecting wining and dining paid for by him, even on his birthday treat

Did you miss the part where he borrowed a grand off OP or?

“He regularly eats out with friends at least once a week”

And yet he doesn’t even have enough money to get in a few groceries? Sorry, OP, I wouldn’t mind betting that having let you book this weekend, he thought that if he pleaded poverty, you’d say, “Oh never mind”, or “Pay me back later” - you’ve done it before: why should this time be any different? As for “we’ve decided to cancel and use the money (full refund) to go for a nice meal instead.”, you mean, he’s decided it’s fine to spend your money on a nice meal out. I know it’s his birthday, but OP, do you really want to be shackled to someone this financially incontinent, and who’s prepared to let you pay for things and then doesn’t even feel that he should stick to agreed repayments? I’m sure he’s always got a reason why the cash isn’t forthcoming (despite being able to eat out with his mates on a weekly basis) - and he always will have. Be warned, OP: he’s shown you who he is and where his priorities lie - and sadly, they’re not with you.

OP he had enough money to go on a five day stag do abroad....

And he owes you money.

You need to be realistic and see that this man does not prioritise your relationship and is using you financially/for convenience.

Set your standards higher and dump him.