To cancel our weeekend away?

[Pungifries]

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

I think if "we" want/expect that women will be financially independent, we can't also expect that the man in a relationship will always be the higher earner/provider and will have to accept that if we want to live "equally" with a partner, sometimes we'll have to contribute to shared trips and other costs, just as men have been expected to forever.

However, this man seems to be taking advantage of that and not fulfilling agreements. I wouldn't have lent the money for the first trip. If he couldn't pay, either we wouldn't have gone or I'd have paid for him because I wanted to go on the trip and the alternative was not to go. However, I would only have done that for a man who's honest about it all. I wouldn't have booked another trip knowing he hadn't yet paid for the previous one.

I think the stag is different, as that was for a fixed occasion, I wouldn't object to him prioritising that over another trip with me. I would very much object to him going while claiming he can't pay what he owes me.

Is he saying he can't afford to pay you back each month, or has he just not paid and you haven't felt able to ask?

Anyway the point I was getting to, is my DP earns less than me. I probably pay more than my share in that I'll buy more rounds in the pub to help him out, I'll drive more often for the longer trips, I dont ask him to contribute when we eat at mine, but he wouldn't want me to "pay" for him and has in fact told me when we need to rein in travelling or nights out, when his budget won't stretch.

My choice ultimately will be whether I want a life that has to be restricted to his budget, whether I want to go and do the more expensive things without him, or to pay for him (or leave a good man in the hope of finding someone with more cash).

sounds like you’ve had a very tough few years and it’s understandable that you are looking for love and support. But I’m sorry to say it doesn’t sound like he really cares or values you. I wish you well and hope you’ve find someone that deserves to be with someone who is obviously kind, generous and supportive, as you are. I think he might have to go.

Glad to hear you’re cancelling it OP, it’s what I would do. I’d send him a message saying something like “I’m going to cancel the weekend away as I was banking on using the money you owe me from the previous trip to pay for my share of things on this trip” and see how he responds to that, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

A someone who has at times earned very little as a charity worker, and been through a divorce and has 2no. (now grown up) lads, I can understand why money is tight for someone in their 40's.
However, I do not understand someone not budgeting with enough care to balance the stag do, the weekend with other half, and repayment of a previous trip. It seems to me that he cannot manage money well, and I am not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Girl, cancel the trip. You’ll only start feeling resentful you’re spending money while you’re away. It’s not worth it. Just because he’s being nice doesn’t mean you have to do it. He just went away and knew he was supposed to be going away with you. A birthday weekend away doesn’t mean the partner pays for every single thing. Just the accommodation in my opinion and that’s it. Cancel while you don’t lose any money

Yeah you booked it 3 months ago and in 3 months he couldn't save up £100 to say "hey, I'll do the food shop for the weekend"

Completely agree, you were right to cancel. Sounds like he is now feeling a bit sorry for himself. I've been in your situation and I regret it.

Did you consult / discuss before booking the lodge, as in agree that though you are conveying the lodge he would need to contribute to the meals and wine out?

I would go to the lodge but take food and wine and do ‘nice’ self catering. You need to eat that weekend, come what may.

But, he sounds chaotic with money.

Or are you pushing for trips he can’t really afford?

This was his birthday treat / present from you so personally I would have budgeted to cover the food etc too.

If you're on your own there's no one to take advantage of you.

No the stag do was last minute , he filled the spot of someone who dropped out.

so, it was booked when he owed me the money and knowing this trip was coming up. I have no doubt that he anticipated saving £50-£100 for the trip but the stag put paid to that

His involvement in the stag do came about after she booked the lodge

What? I earn 50k but as a single parent to teens I have limited funds for spending on leisure. Why shouldn't a man at 40 have financial commitments that mean he can't just splurge on a trip thats been sprung on him. He went in the stag presumably not knowing he was meant to reserve several hundred for this trip. Life is v v expensive now. Two pints each and some snacks, like crisps and nuts at my local yesterday was the best part of fifty quid. Any meal out sees little change from £100 if you have 2 courses each and a couple of drinks. It's not a sackable offence to be unable to afford it.

This !
you are not his priority !
or he spends his money on himself and knows he can rely on u for extras !
But u can see it now and i think thats enough to give anyone the ick he’s 40 not 20 !
Throw this one back 🐟!!
And good on you for putting your child first !!! That’s how it should be ❤️

So now you have updated, he couldn't actually afford the stag do trip ! and prioritised that over paying you back what he owes you.

how much does he owe you, and how long has it been owed ?

Unfortunately an awful lot of men continually test women to see what they can get away with. Drawing the line now will mean you save yourself from heartache later. Whether or not he cares about you, he is using you financially. You deserve better, so set the boundaries and if he walks you have dodged a bullet.

I’d be really hurt and disappointed in him for doing this. It’s not ok he has completely prioritised the stag and friends over you. He didn’t have to go on that meal when he came back. He knew you this weekend planned and for this to back out now because he doesn’t have the money when he knew full well you were going just isn’t on and I’d feel really let down.

Run for the hills.

He therefore made a decision to spend your couple weekend money on a trip with mates. His values are not the same as yours.

I'm glad you're going to end it. His being hard up isn't the problem so much as his priorities. He chose to spend a shitload of money on a stag holiday abroad instead of paying you back or saving for your weekend. And now he has the cheek to moan about being short on the rent.

Someone who can't find £50 shouldn't be going on trips at all, should he? What happens if his DC need something in an emergency? (I realise we all know the answer to that!).

I think like you said, it's all about the pattern. Based on your first post, I thought that maybe if all his money was tied up in a prearranged best mates stag do (type of situation) and you had booked a "treat" for him but expected him to shell out for expensive meals etc, then maybe your expectations were a little off. But I think what you're outlining is just someone not very good at planning who is sort of expecting you to make up the difference financially. It's not very attractive when someone expects you to be their parent financially!

I think you have 2 options, either adjust your expectations and just date him but make sure things are 50/50 - no more subsiding or lending him money. Or end things and free up your time, energy and money.

Either way, I think you're making the right decision to cancel the weekend. If you decide not to end it yet, you could use some of the money saved on the weekend to do a meal out to celebrate or similar.

sorry, OP, but that's the oldest trick in the book.

poor guy - can afford a stag but not this weekend boo hoo. and it worked, bec you now feel bad. pls check those rose-tinted glasses in the bin!

You need to get rid of this man asap. Do not be surprised if you get another text saying that he cannot afford his grocery shopping this week. And then there will be an unexpected bill. He will be hoping the fact that it is his birthday will make you pity him.

Agree.

At age 40 he has spent all his money on a 5 day stag... imo he has little fginancial sense which will cause issues downstream.

Apologies if I missed updates. If he knew about the trip with you and that he owed you money then no he shouldn't have gone on the stag. It's up to you to decide what the relationship as a whole is like and whether this was a blip or a pattern.