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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our weeekend away?

305 replies

Pungifries · 07/08/2025 23:49

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 08/08/2025 01:08

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:11

Thanks all for replies
I’ve paid for the lodge and would cover travel

yes would get all the money back

I would have been fine with a takeaway and a cooked meal and bottle of wine but he’s saying he can’t even that…I suppose I’m balking given the stag and I know he had a big meal out with his friends when they arrived back in the UK.

why does he have to pay for his birthday take away?

beAsensible1 · 08/08/2025 01:09

clearly he doesn't want to let onto his mates that he can't afford things and doesn't want to miss out

Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 01:13

In all likelihood, I would have paid for the takeaway …but telling me beforehand that he’s not saved a penny and therefore I’ll have to cover everything is making me a bit uneasy

OP posts:
murasaki · 08/08/2025 01:19

So he still owes you money for an agreed joint trip? And then didn't have any spare for this one, I'd cancel. And then probably cancel him.

OvernightBloats · 08/08/2025 02:05

How he spends his money is showing you where his priority lies. He doesn't even have any embarrassment about owing you money and then spending so much on the stag party.

He is taking you for granted and expecting you to pay with no consideration to you.

coxesorangepippin · 08/08/2025 02:54

Yes he's bad at financial planning.

He spends it on himself, and then allows you to pay for stuff for him.

That's the extent of his poor planning.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 08/08/2025 02:57

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:44

He booked on the stag after the lodge was booked…(took a cancelled spot)

I suppose I did expect him to contribute something to the shopping bill as I know this is what I’d do. There’s no way I’d let a new-ish partner pay everything to a weekend away and me never put my hand in my pocket…But I suppose this may be different expectations.

But it was your treat/your idea? A birthday gift from you to him, so of course you pay for everything. Your OP states "I pushed the boat out" He probably wasn't expecting you to offer a gift and then expect him to pay towards it.

Be different if this was joint idea/planned/agreed trip, but that's not what you've said this is. So YABU.

Jk987 · 08/08/2025 03:09

If he can’t afford a supermarket shop while you’re away in the lodge, that must mean he can’t afford to eat if he stays at home?

nopineapplepizza · 08/08/2025 03:15

I can’t get over the fact that he owes you money, but instead of paying you back he spends it on filling a place on a last minute stag do (so obviously with a groom he’s not that close to).

If he’s in debt to you, he should have prioritised that debt before spending more on a lads holiday; he’s 40, not 20.

I bet it was prioritising himself over others which caused his divorce.

Tablesandchairs23 · 08/08/2025 03:21

You're not a priority for him. He owes you money and then books another holiday. He's taking the piss.

Bigpakchoi · 08/08/2025 03:25

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2025 00:22

He sees that you earn more than him. So he thinks its OK to spend on a five night stag do (whilst owing you money) and then do a big meal out with friends... and then expects you to fund a big birthday weekend, but sorry he can't even buy a reasonably priced dinner for two or offer to cook something nice for you as a thank you.

You are right to save your money for your child. Not him.

100% this.

His priority is his friends. Even if he went to the stag do, he could have skipped the big meal on return so he had some cash for your weekend away. He prioritises any fun money just for himself, also owes you money.

Glad to hear you save your money for yourself and your child - fund your own dreams not his.

Lindy2 · 08/08/2025 03:33

I don't think the OP should pay for everything just because it's his birthday. She's booked and paid for the lodge. That's the present. She doesn't have to fund every bit of food and drink and entertainment too. He's a grown man not a child.

I'd cancel OP. I think there's a pattern emerging where he is seeing you as the one with the money that funds him. Deeply unattractive.

If a 40 year old can't even manage £50 for a decent supermarket shop then there's a problem. He'd need some money if he was home that weekend instead.

I imagine he managed to fully fund a probably expensive stag. The weekend away for his birthday and the money he owes tge OP is clearly not such a priority to him. Unfortunately that also signals to me that the relationship isn't a priority either. Sorry OP.

converseandjeans · 08/08/2025 03:36

nopineapplepizza · 08/08/2025 03:15

I can’t get over the fact that he owes you money, but instead of paying you back he spends it on filling a place on a last minute stag do (so obviously with a groom he’s not that close to).

If he’s in debt to you, he should have prioritised that debt before spending more on a lads holiday; he’s 40, not 20.

I bet it was prioritising himself over others which caused his divorce.

Agree with this. He’s obviously not that close to the groom otherwise he would’ve been on the original plan.

How much does he owe you? He should have paid you back before going on a stag do. Also it sounds like he prioritises himself over his kids. Surely he should have money to take them away or for days out in the summer holidays.

user1492757084 · 08/08/2025 04:08

Just continue to be honest.
You purchased a gift for his 40th. Cash it in and spend the refund on a meal or outing for which he doesn't have to contribute - it is his birthday gift after all.

Ask him to please start paying back the loan.

It seems that his budgeting doesn't prioritise (or can not prioritise) your relationship.
He earns too little and has too many commitments to have much money left over to splurge on anything.
Help him search for a better paying job.

autienotnaughty · 08/08/2025 04:47

I’d have still gone but changed the plan to taking meals/wine and eating in/going for walks.

But I’d be annoyed at the lack of budgeting for the trip on his part and the expectation that I would cover everything. And if he had form for it I’d be reconsidering the relationship

CompleteLackOfDisrespect · 08/08/2025 05:06

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:49

I feel like a pattern is emerging …but I honestly don’t think it’s intentional. I think he’s just very bad at budgeting/ financial planning.

That's not something you want in anyone who might become a long term partner. Nor is borrowing money and not being in any hurry to pay it back.

PearTreeBoat · 08/08/2025 05:36

From what you are saying you booked this weekend away as part of a birthday gift for his 40th?
no gift should come with the expectation that the receiver contributes to the overall cost unless explicitly discussed beforehand so I think you should have been willing to cover all costs of this trip or not have booked it in the first place unless discussed and agreed with him.

As for the stag, I think that’s a bit of a red herring. Though the fact he owes you money for a previous trip and doesn’t sound like he’s sticking to the agreed repayment plan would have me questioning the future and would be a fair reason to get out now if you feel this is an indicator to how he will be going forward.

Iwilladmit · 08/08/2025 05:45

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:49

I feel like a pattern is emerging …but I honestly don’t think it’s intentional. I think he’s just very bad at budgeting/ financial planning.

But he can find money for things he wants to do - the stag. He just appears to be bad at planning for things he’s not so keen on - paying you back.

honestly OP, he’s taking the piss and behaving awfully. The 40th birthday is a red herring (although still awful that he agreed to something and is then telling you he hasn’t money for it).

OopsNoHoliday · 08/08/2025 06:01

I’d cancel the weekend but not dwell on it too much. Give him another chance.

He’s probably thinking you’re minted and don’t really need the £100 paid back that he owes you, if you’ve booked a lodge and haven’t mentioned the debt.

Going on a stag do for five days at short notice would probably have been a budget-killer for most guys. It’s very hard to say “no” on those trips especially if there’s heavy drinking and activities involved.

Linenpickle · 08/08/2025 06:03

He’s taking the mickey. Trying to guilt trip you into paying.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/08/2025 06:07

@Pungifries id reply to the message about him feeling bad saying “don’t worry I will turn it into a girls weekend “
You and I can do takeaway and wine at home
He is just back from a stag so don’t see why he would have a problem to a girls weekend and he has no money .
I actually feel that message was manipulative. He wants to go and wants you to feel sorry for him . Resulting in you paying AGAIN
If he was that sorry he would have made it a priority. He made his choices.

Yachties · 08/08/2025 06:13

It’s all about priorities. And you come lower down the list than a stag do and meal with his friends (and he’s 40 not 21).
I think you should review the relationship and yes definitely cancel the lodge.

CautiousLurker01 · 08/08/2025 06:18

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:11

Thanks all for replies
I’ve paid for the lodge and would cover travel

yes would get all the money back

I would have been fine with a takeaway and a cooked meal and bottle of wine but he’s saying he can’t even that…I suppose I’m balking given the stag and I know he had a big meal out with his friends when they arrived back in the UK.

I would walk away from this one. He is broke this month because he prioritised his mates over you. If this was a serious relationship, given you’re a year in, he would have reserved funds for your trip. He didn’t. He doesn’t value you.

I worry when I read threads like this that, being a single mum, you have talked yourself into the position of needing to feel grateful that you have a ‘nice man’ at all because it is so difficult to meet anyone when you have kids. As a result you turn a blind eye to the red flags and hang in there. My mother did this (single mother, dated lots of asshats when I was growing up) and it was so clear her self esteem was fragile and that she didn’t, on some level, feel she deserved or had a right to anyone better.

You do. Throw this one back, as the MN saying goes, spend that money on some treats for yourself this month while the kids are off school/college.

LoudSnoringDog · 08/08/2025 06:25

I’d go with a friend and leave him at home. I agree with all other posters that at 40, you would hope he was able to budget better.
The text about feeling sad that he can no longer afford to do your lovely weekend also screams manipulation, he can only do it if you are forking out.

Marchintospring · 08/08/2025 06:35

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:13

I do earn quite a lot more than him.
BUT I’m a single mum and feel extras should go to my child, not subsidising my bf (does that sound harsh, don’t meant it to)

Not RTFT but I agree that maybe it’s not the relationship for you.

But also it’s only been a year. Paying everything for a full weekend away is too much even for a 40th. Even more so if he’s not in a similar financial position to you.
You bought it as much for you as him be honest.

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