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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our weeekend away?

305 replies

Pungifries · 07/08/2025 23:49

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

OP posts:
Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 08/08/2025 06:35

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:13

I do earn quite a lot more than him.
BUT I’m a single mum and feel extras should go to my child, not subsidising my bf (does that sound harsh, don’t meant it to)

No that's not in the slightest bit harsh.
5 day stag must have cost a pretty penny and he still owes you from a previous trip..Nah bye bye.

Comtesse · 08/08/2025 06:37

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 01:08

Thanks all
the previous trip was booked on the agreement he would pay me back over 4 months.
I booked this trip a few weeks into this “agreement” as a birthday gift expecting the agreed payment to come but unfortunately very little has materialised

i suppose if he had paid this “agreement” I’d be more amenable to getting the shopping etc

Hang on, what? He’s supposed to be paying back over 4 months but hasn’t?

Is this the £100? Because someone who cannot find £25 a month has no business going on 5 day stag dos. (Apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick).

Moonnstars · 08/08/2025 06:38

I think this is simply a case of different budgets and different priorities. The lodge weekend - who suggested it? Was it something he really wanted to do or you wanted to? Would he have been just as happy with a meal out that you paid for (seeing as you were willing to pay for accommodation).
Also you have only been together a year, I can see that perhaps his friends do still take priority, especially if he has had a messy relationship in the past and is apprehensive about settling down/commitment.
I think the fact he owes you money suggests you have different priorities when it comes to life and that this relationship is likely to struggle further on, so best to end it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/08/2025 06:40

You're absolutely right. He's communicating that you, and fun with you, is at the bottom of his priority list, and he can still spend on other things

RelaxedOddish · 08/08/2025 06:49

Your're right to be cautious OP. This is a pattern and will probably get worse if you don't address it. If you let the trip continue while he still owes you money for a previous trip, and end up having to pay for everything for this weekend, then thats setting up the status quo and he will start not worrying about paying. Maybe he's already there!

So not sure if you plan to continue this relationship, but I'd be tempted to message him saying you are cancelling because he's not paid you back for the previous trip so feel uncomfortable covering him as he may be starting to expect it. I wouldn't even go pay for his takeaway! He's ruined the weekend as he couldn't even keep a token amount to pay for a small amount of it! Doesn't deserve any treat weekend!

BleuBeans · 08/08/2025 06:49

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:13

I do earn quite a lot more than him.
BUT I’m a single mum and feel extras should go to my child, not subsidising my bf (does that sound harsh, don’t meant it to)

This is not harsh, this is realising where your priorities should be

You’ve give this man a chance once loaning money and he failed to repay you. Instead he took the money and spent it on a stag knowing full well he would need spends for an upcoming weekend you’ve funded. Telling you how bad he feels is just waffle at the end of the day. His actions speak louder than words

bumbaloo · 08/08/2025 06:50

Photopic · 08/08/2025 00:08

You can't see how a single man of 40, who likely has an ex wife and DC might struggle for cash?

Show quote history

I can’t see how a decent single man of 40 with all the responsibilities you mention would go on a 5 day stag whilst already owing the OP money.

if you haven’t learned by 40 that you pay your debts before you go off on jollies then you are a lost cause in my mind.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2025 06:56

I'd ditch him. He's a user. You are never getting that Money back

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/08/2025 07:24

I wouldn’t want to be involved with a 40yo who didn’t have a grip on his finances, no matter how lovely he might be.

Financial security and knowledge is really important.

GAJLY · 08/08/2025 07:31

If he's not going to pay one penny then yes cancel it. Just have a home cooked dinner and cake to celebrate.

MyLimeGuide · 08/08/2025 07:34

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:05

@Poopeepoopee didn’t think it was harsh at all. Perfectly succinct!
flowers/ gifts were plentiful on the first months but have tailed off.

He’s genuinely one of the nicest men I’ve known. Kind, listens, cares and I trust him. But the money situation is really starting to taint things

All men are like this in the 1st year. He sounds like a freeloader. Beware OP!

Yeoldlondoncheese · 08/08/2025 07:38

You need to stop all the outings until he pays you back what he owes then end the relationship.

rookiemere · 08/08/2025 07:40

Cancel it - if he is actually serious about you, he will work out that he can no longer mess you around financially.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 08/08/2025 07:45

I think a 40 year old going on a 5 day stag abroad and then begging his gf for spending money back home is fairly pathetic. Not a relationship I'd want to be in.

BuckChuckets · 08/08/2025 08:09

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 01:08

Thanks all
the previous trip was booked on the agreement he would pay me back over 4 months.
I booked this trip a few weeks into this “agreement” as a birthday gift expecting the agreed payment to come but unfortunately very little has materialised

i suppose if he had paid this “agreement” I’d be more amenable to getting the shopping etc

The fact he still hasn't paid you back, but is paying to go away with his mates, should show you where his priorities lie.

I don't judge anyone based on their financial position, however, I like to travel and go out to nice restaurants, so personally I don't date people who aren't in a position to do that. I have done in the past, and I end up either paying for everything if I want to go somewhere/do something, or miss out.

MinnieGirl · 08/08/2025 08:11

Not only is he taking the piss he is showing you where his priorities lie…..as he sees it, he can go in a stag with his mates because he knows you will cough up for everything at home. If he couldn’t afford it he should have said straight away. He can’t be that skint that he can’t get a bottle of wine and a takeaway? Yet he had a meal with the lads when he returned from the stag…..
He is using you. And gradually this will increase. He’s already sending you the I’m so sad txts….next he can’t afford his car service or needs a suit of some clothes or could you just help out with this…
Pull right back. Cancel the weekend away now and say you didn’t want him to feel sad about not being able to pay his way, and you know he would have spent money on the stag….. and let that hang. He took the place on the stag because he thought you would pay for everything on the weekend…what a CF

BadActingParsley · 08/08/2025 08:28

Bin him. This won’t get better. DHs friend keeps borrowing money from him and other people then acts all surprised when they get annoyed at her going on jollies when she hasn’t paid them back. Her son has the same pattern. he’s stopped lending her money…and she’s lost friends.

CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 08:29

Doingmybest12 · 07/08/2025 23:52

I would cancel and plan something within your budget and also decide if this is a lifestyle you want

This.

Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 08:32

Thanks so much everyone. Really appreciate your comments.

I am feeling a bit taken advantage of…I think the meal when he got back has really dug the knife in.

I know that I booked the lodge but would have expected him to have a bit of money put to one side for spending while we’re there. Not saying he has to pay for X or Y specifically , but not that he’d show up completely broke.

I’ll cancel it today as I don’t think I’ll have fun anyway with all this in my head

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 08/08/2025 08:34

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 08:32

Thanks so much everyone. Really appreciate your comments.

I am feeling a bit taken advantage of…I think the meal when he got back has really dug the knife in.

I know that I booked the lodge but would have expected him to have a bit of money put to one side for spending while we’re there. Not saying he has to pay for X or Y specifically , but not that he’d show up completely broke.

I’ll cancel it today as I don’t think I’ll have fun anyway with all this in my head

Good for you. Stay strong!

HelloHattie · 08/08/2025 08:37

He’s so sad he can’t go.

wasn’t sad when we was on the stag was he? There’s no future here OP unless you enjoy being mugged right off.

Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 08:45

I think ending the relationship is very likely.

a few have mentioned about low standards etc. I think that’s very true. I don’t get out very much as my child’s dad doesn’t see him don’t have much of a network (both parents have died in the last 3 years). So meeting him felt really lucky. I’m probably hanging in there for longer then I know I should because I don’t really want to be in my own again

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 08/08/2025 08:50

I feel for you OP. But you sound strong 💪

Blueberry911 · 08/08/2025 08:56

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:50

He’s messaging me now saying how sad he is that he can’t afford next weekend.
I feel awful for even posting this now 😞

He could have afforded it he just chose not to.
One of the first posts about you deserving better nailed this. You're not here to subsidise him. He has money, he's choosing where to spend it. You think about where you'd like to spend yours x

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2025 08:56

You sound lovely OP. I don’t necessarily think he should have to pay for anything for the lodge break because it’s his 40th treat but I’d be mightily pissed off if he owed me money and yet prioritised a 5 day stag do and big meal out after, instead of keeping to the repayment agreement. I’d be sitting him down and spelling out how you’re feeling.

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