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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our weeekend away?

305 replies

Pungifries · 07/08/2025 23:49

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

OP posts:
ns87 · 08/08/2025 11:27

This is such a red flag, he shouldn't have gone on the stag.

Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 12:06

yes, I think it is a red flag unfortunately

yes, I did book it as a surprise and a treat and didn’t consult him ….I wasn’t expecting him to take me to a Michelin star restaurant, just that he’d have a bit of cash to buy a round at the pub/ get lunch / a takeaway etc.
i suppose knowing that he came back from the stag, went for a meal out and now has no money for our trip is stinging.

this trip had been booked for 3 months now and we have talked about it and made plans for it on the meantime like going into the nearby town, walks, a nice day out in the historic city nearby. I think he is literally down to nothing this week (freezer food/ beans on toast etc) so literally can’t afford any of it at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 12:11

The money he owes me is for a holiday for all of us (5 people) that we’d agreed to go halves on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pungifries · 08/08/2025 12:11

The money he owes me is for a holiday for all of us (5 people) that we’d agreed to go halves on.

OP posts:
Juststop2025 · 08/08/2025 12:14

Is he a lovely man though when he's obviously quite self centred and happy for you to pay for everything?

Snowfalling · 08/08/2025 12:16

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 12:11

The money he owes me is for a holiday for all of us (5 people) that we’d agreed to go halves on.

And instead of paying you back as a priority, he has blown money on a stag do and an expensive meal out? and is now living on beans on toast?

TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2025 12:19

Who went on the trip, his children? Please don't tell me you paid for him and his children?

He needs to go afterhepaysyouback

Snowfalling · 08/08/2025 12:59

Juststop2025 · 08/08/2025 12:14

Is he a lovely man though when he's obviously quite self centred and happy for you to pay for everything?

I agree with this.

Also him texting you how sad he is not to be going on the planned weekend as you're cancelling sounds like manipulation and emotional blackmail. It would give me the absolute ick.

Juststop2025 · 08/08/2025 13:10

Snowfalling · 08/08/2025 12:59

I agree with this.

Also him texting you how sad he is not to be going on the planned weekend as you're cancelling sounds like manipulation and emotional blackmail. It would give me the absolute ick.

Show quote history

Right, and it had the desired effect, she felt sorry for him and "awful" for even posting this question.

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2025 13:43

So his money is for him, and you're the ATM for everything else. That shows you his priority, and you're not it.

He doesn't see this relationship as a partnership in the way that you do and it doesn't seem like it will get any better. Don't stay with him if it's contingent on you buying his involvement.

Beeinalily · 08/08/2025 18:05

Well I wouldn't dump him - but I'd stop paying for him.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 08/08/2025 18:13

I'd go on my own

Loubelou71 · 08/08/2025 18:13

Just get your money back before you finish things.

Stressybetty · 08/08/2025 18:18

Yep just agreeing you're obviously not a priority for him, clearly he had money to spend on the stag but none for you. Either he's really bad at managing his cash or he thinks you'll cover his share and forgive or forget what he owes you. If you want to stay with him I think you'll need to be very strict on what you pay for, don't ever let him move in with you and don't lend him any more money.

Snowfalling · 08/08/2025 18:18

Juststop2025 · 08/08/2025 13:10

Right, and it had the desired effect, she felt sorry for him and "awful" for even posting this question.

Show quote history

Exactly. If the trip meant so much to him he wouldn't have blown all his money with his mates.

Chinsupmeloves · 08/08/2025 18:25

Take someone else! Xxx

iamnotalemon · 08/08/2025 18:26

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 01:08

Thanks all
the previous trip was booked on the agreement he would pay me back over 4 months.
I booked this trip a few weeks into this “agreement” as a birthday gift expecting the agreed payment to come but unfortunately very little has materialised

i suppose if he had paid this “agreement” I’d be more amenable to getting the shopping etc

So he still hasn’t paid you back what he said he would?

id be inclined to leave him at home and go on the break on my own 😂

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 18:28

I think everyone going in on this guy is pretty harsh. You mentioned he had kids in your original post but conveniently left out that he not just has kids but also an ex-wife. We all know divorces can wipe out a big chunk of your money especially where it is contentious.

Also, presuming you have always outearned him since this relationship began, why get into a relationship with a man who earns less than you and then complain about him not being able to afford the things you want to do? You talk about him going on a 5 day stag-do trip but when was this planned? Maybe he’s been slowly paying or saving towards it vs this birthday getaway that you’ve planned with what sounds like less notice.

You mention him being a kind man who listens to you, cares for you and who you trust so I would focus on those things if I were you. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking the piss out of you because he’s been upfront about not being able to afford fancy dinners before you’ve gone away just so there’s no misunderstanding. Stop lending him money if it’s bothering you. He should have other people in his life that he can borrow from.

You are not being unreasonable to cancel the trip if he’s not able to afford the fancy extras. I’m quite traditional-leaning myself and prefer when a man pays for dinner so wouldn’t want to be paying for a man so I get it.

To offer up a different perspective to those saying dump him and find a new man, most (not all) high earning men are not really trying to get into relationships with 40-something year old (guessing your age) single mums. So giving this guy up to find a guy who’s a high earner might leave you single for a while. The high earning men who do enter into relationships with 40-something year old single mums likely will not have the traits and characteristics you describe your current man as having.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 08/08/2025 18:28

Pungifries · 07/08/2025 23:49

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments.

He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund…
However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week…..
to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year

he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ?

I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

Cancel and plan a nice meal instead. Good instincts here - follow them.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/08/2025 18:32

I've voted YABU because I'd drop this guy like a hot brick. He's spending his money on lads' weekends, and he's 40?

iamnotalemon · 08/08/2025 18:32

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 18:28

I think everyone going in on this guy is pretty harsh. You mentioned he had kids in your original post but conveniently left out that he not just has kids but also an ex-wife. We all know divorces can wipe out a big chunk of your money especially where it is contentious.

Also, presuming you have always outearned him since this relationship began, why get into a relationship with a man who earns less than you and then complain about him not being able to afford the things you want to do? You talk about him going on a 5 day stag-do trip but when was this planned? Maybe he’s been slowly paying or saving towards it vs this birthday getaway that you’ve planned with what sounds like less notice.

You mention him being a kind man who listens to you, cares for you and who you trust so I would focus on those things if I were you. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking the piss out of you because he’s been upfront about not being able to afford fancy dinners before you’ve gone away just so there’s no misunderstanding. Stop lending him money if it’s bothering you. He should have other people in his life that he can borrow from.

You are not being unreasonable to cancel the trip if he’s not able to afford the fancy extras. I’m quite traditional-leaning myself and prefer when a man pays for dinner so wouldn’t want to be paying for a man so I get it.

To offer up a different perspective to those saying dump him and find a new man, most (not all) high earning men are not really trying to get into relationships with 40-something year old (guessing your age) single mums. So giving this guy up to find a guy who’s a high earner might leave you single for a while. The high earning men who do enter into relationships with 40-something year old single mums likely will not have the traits and characteristics you describe your current man as having.

I don’t think the OP has said anything about wanting a higher earner but I think someone who pays their way and doesn’t borrow money from her and not pay her back isn’t a lot to ask.

You’ve basically said she should settle for this because she won’t find anyone better being a single mum at her age. The things people will put up with not to be single!!

Lemonadeat8 · 08/08/2025 18:37

Presumably the stag do had been planned a good while ago.

Yabu to expect him to keep going on trips away if he can’t really afford them. Can’t you go and do a food shop?

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 18:44

I am at a loss…is it for his birthday? You don’t plan on paying for his birthday because….?

If you can’t afford it all, of course cancel.

MooDengOfThailand · 08/08/2025 18:48

Cancel.
Try to get the money owed from him.
Then dump him.

nopineapplepizza · 08/08/2025 18:51

Lemonadeat8 · 08/08/2025 18:37

Presumably the stag do had been planned a good while ago.

Yabu to expect him to keep going on trips away if he can’t really afford them. Can’t you go and do a food shop?

You need to read the full thread.

The holiday the OP booked was agreed a long time ago. The DP owes her money.

The stag do was a last minute thing (he stepped in for someone who dropped out).

He went on the stag knowing he hadn’t paid back any of the money that he owed OP, it would leave him short for the rest of the month (the time which covered their trip away, and when his kids would likely need new school uniform, shoes and supplies etc) and would have nothing left for the agreed trip, his debt to OP or anything else.

He's behaving like a childfree, partner-free man who wants OP to fund his lifestyle, so he can go on trips with the boys and flash his cash and use her as an ATM to cover day-to-day expenses and agreed expenses (such as holiday spends).