Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

Ah so @Bedtimeread the vile things she said are ops fault?
Honestly incredulous how many apologists for her there are, and how many trying to lay blame at op!
' but but HER feelings and emotions rule all!! How can you even think that you matter???'
You can't have feelings or emotions that don't centre her..how selfish of you!!'

I normally have huge, huge compassion for women who are struggling with infertility / miscarriages etc when their friends become pregnant - it really is incredibly difficult to see the joy of someone else and conversation can be excruciating. However, your friend has been so thoroughly unreasonable to the point of nastiness that I think she’s gone way too far and she owes you an apology. Her own struggles do not excuse how judgemental and horrible she’s been in calling you ‘fucking stupid’ for having your own baby. She shouldn’t be dragging others into this with wedding ultimatums. I feel very sad for how much pain she seems to be in but it’s not okay to verbally lash out at a pregnant woman either.

In defence of the DH, he is clearly ALSO struggling with them not being able to conceive. Presumably he would appreciate support from his friends at this time but on top of his own feelings and supporting her, now has to deal with his wife causing issues and driving them away as well. I think it's fair enough that he doesn't feel he should defend the indefensible.

Besides which, same as OP, again not everything comes out perfectly in an emotional conversation, perhaps he didn't mean it exactly as it came out, and would have phrased it slightly differently had he the opportunity to rehearse.

While I really do feel for her as we had a hell of a time years ago, I also know that I tried not to rain on anyone else's parade and be happy for them as they were them and not on my path.
Hold your head up and go to the wedding, she is obviously in need of support and lashing out but is going to upset quite a few people by the sounds of it.
I think she should avoid going to the wedding.

I think OP has been nothing but understanding.

Not sure what else you expect her to do.

She’s being outrageously unreasonable.

I really hope you did not tell your sister or your friends any of this because that would be incredibly unfair. And the OP does not owe anything to someone who wants her to have an abortion so that they can feel better about their struggles.

With regards to ger DH- I don’t think he is going round criticising his wife to everyone, to my knowledge he has only apologised to me/DH, also said that he is sorry for what has happened and said that he had no expectation that I would not go the wedding. He’s has also apologised to the bride and groom because he is doesn’t think it is fair that they have been dragged into this, and yes, he told them he does not want me excluded and that he is struggling with the way she is acting too. He’s not shouting it from the rooftops or anything.

I think he is entitled to make it clear he is not supportive of her actions, if he isn’t, Especially as this is impacting on his friendship and support network, which I would think is important to him. I don’t think he has done anything wrong, if I’m honest. Why should he act like he agrees with her actions, which are having negative consequences for him, when he doesn’t?

Stop talking about her and telling her she’s rude for her reaction. We can’t say we understand she would react bad and then be mad at her for doing so.

When has that happened?
Does that level of apologisim work across the board?
Yep we understand phil is a domestic abuser who reacts violently if his wife is 'late' whoops, can't get mad at him for doing so?

She told OP she was ‘fucking stupid’ and implied she should get an abortion because she had been drinking.

Rude is an understatement.

And as she’s demanding OP be uninvited then there’s no way OP can’t talk about her.

So let’s get this straight.

The OP is unreasonable for having answered the woman’s question as to whether she was TTC.

She’s unreasonable for seeking support from her friends who this woman is trying to turn against her.

The DH is unreasonable for finding her attitude difficult to live with. (Understatement, he’s clearly in an abusive relationship).

yet the woman tells the OP she should have an abortion, demands that she not attend the wedding, slags her off behind her back and tries to turn her friendship group against her and we should all cut her some slack because she’s clearly struggling?

I don’t fucking think so.

Frankly I think the fact she can’t have children is bloody fantastic news. No child deserves to grow up with that kind of abusive bitch as a mother. I’m glad she can’t conceive. And I imagine part of the reason why the DH wants to stop is because if he has any sense, he’s planning to leave.

The only answer if you’re struggling mentally with not being able to conceive is you get therapy. You don’t deserve a free pass for turning into a cunt and treating all those around you how the fuck you like.

This is such toxic behaviour from her part. You haven't done anything wrong at all. You are in a secure relationship, have sex in a loving relationship, and sex = babies, so occasionally, even with contraception, babies happen!! You have nothing to apologise for.

The husband hasn't been shitty at all. Objectively his wife's actions and words have been incredibly inappropriate to OP, the wedding couple, her friends and her the DH. His wife is putting him in that position to. He is also allowed to be upset about it. No one has to blindly support a spouse in any situation.

That is one of the things that’s so shitty about infertility, that you can’t make a baby simply by having loving sex with your nice warm husband, but have to have two injections every day, endless invasive scans and blood test and even then no baby like as not.

@KimberleyClark nooones saying it's not shitty, just not an excuse to be vile, abusive and spread hateful bile and lies about people.

I'm not saying it is, but maybe the OP should be thankful she didn't have to go through that.

So now you’re resorting to a guilt trip on the OP?

It’s this whole “you’ve clearly never experienced/be grateful you didn’t have to go through” type talk which is used to shut down discussion and it’s not reasonable.

We’re all dealt shit hands in life. That doesn’t give anyone the right to throw that kind of guilt at someone when the person behaves atrociously. Having to go through fertility treatment doesn’t absolve her of that behaviour. And the OP doesn’t need to be grateful she’s not had to go through it while being told she should have an abortion.

Maybe op is thankful she didn't need to go through that. Still doesn't mean she should accept the way she's being treated by ex friend.

I feel sorry for her for what shes going through and I do think shes just angry at you because its easier than being upset at her own circumstances.

That said shes been disgusting. She implied you should have an abortion becuase she is struggling TTC. I get the text might not have been her preferred way of finding out but you arent a mind reader and I think any way you did it she would have been devastated.

Id go to the wedding but give her some space at it and avoid her.

If you do want to be friends you may need to show some grace if or when she apologises for this awful behaviour

Wow - she’s not just lashing out in anger, she’s waging a campaign against you!

You’re doing everything right, OP. Just tune this out.

She probably is 🤷🏻‍♀️

And of course infertility is devastating for women who desperately want to become mothers. No one has denied that.

It still doesn't justify the other woman's behaviour.

I think it’s pretty shit that the bride and groom have been dragged into this squabble

I'm well aware you have only posted this to he inflammatory but there is no 'squabble'. This is completely one sided.

The OP got pregnant. Everything else is on the other woman. Becoming pregnant isn't squabbling.

Well exactly. He's been dragged into this himself by her behaviour. He's allowed to have thoughts and feelings too. He's also allowed to shared these with others and get support if/when/where he needs it.

She's spreading damage far and wide and that's on her, no one else.

No one would be talking about her at all if she wasn't behaving in this way.

Why?

Her feelings are understandable.

Her behaviour is unacceptable.

Two separate things.

And absolutely people can talk about her. At the moment they're all supporting each other for the way their own equally important lives and life events are being impacted by her. They don't have the capacity to support her at the moment because they're all in damage limitation, managing the situation and conflict resolution mode, which will, inevitable, reduce their capacity for compassion towards her.

It's obvious that her infertility is causing her insurmountable pain and grief but that doesn't give her a free pass when it comes to harming other people too.