Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

She is being ridiculous- and I would be going to the wedding

Why should the OP be the one the build bridges? Her friend has behaved very badly and should be the one to make this right not the OP and the friends pain doesn't excuse her nasty behaviour.

I assume you didn't ask your friends and sister if they were sure they wanted to continue with their pregnancies like the OP's friend did? That is unforgivable and no amount of pain excuses it either.

Sorry OP, this sounds horrendous.

I hope that she gets the help that she needs, however, it's ok not to be her emotional punching bag. Step away if you need to.

I was severely mentally unwell due to not being able to have a child and your friend probably is too. Yes, she is being completely unreasonable but please try to find it in yourself to offer her a little grace. Could you try and build bridges before the wedding? I know you shouldn’t have to make the first move but please understand her pain.

Your story is genuinely very sad and I'm really pleased it had a happy ending!

But, in this situation, the OP is actually currently pregnant. Her priority needs to be her own health and the health of her baby. She does not need to prioritise this woman in any way nor extend her compassion right now.

Given the extent of her behaviour, it is quite possible that it would be unsafe for the OP to be around her.

The rest of the friendship group can step forward and show grace, if they choose, and they may help this woman to see sense before the wedding or before the OP's baby is born. They can be her support.

Right now, th OP owes her nothing and, more than that, the OP isn't who she would want that from.

The best thing the OP can do is step back from it all, allow others to step forward of they choose and maybe review her feelings at a later date. But for now, this woman is not her concern, her problem, nor her responsibility.

I hear ya and yes I agree she has been nasty however……. I think in the spirit of assuming she was taken off guard she showed her emotional immaturity / anger at her own circumstances and bit back hard. She clearly has a sharp tongue (made even more angry by the information shared by the OP around it being a happy accident etc etc etc)

in life we all have times of trauma (some more than others) and I believe some grace to her at this time (given the OP has been privy to the heartache she has endured for months or possibly years) would stand the OP in a good position to be a kind and sympathetic friend. It would also probably make the OP feel better as she clearly is struggling with the fracture - hence her seeking support on mumsnet.

Well, like I say, you're clearly a better person than me 😉

I can understand your perspective but that would be it for me.

In the event of a sincere and heartfelt apology, I might reconsider but the work would not be coming from me.

I don't think even with an apology i could ever forget her words and cruelty.
So @GreyCarpet you're a better person than I!

Thanks for the advice, even those who think I was insensitive towards her. I do accept it wasn’t the perfect response to her, and I would have better to deflect the question, though I suspect she would still be angry with me no matter what I had said. I think I just reacted to the onslaught that I was completely blindsided by. I had expected her to be upset and possibly distance herself. I did not expect to subject to a vitriolic verbal attack. With hindsight, I can now formulate a “better” response but in the moment i reacted to what was happening.

in any case, we will be going and will just do our best to keep out of her way. We aren’t seated together.

DH and I have spoken to the bride and groom, explained that I have told ex-friends DH we are going but that I just plan to keep my distance or be quietly polite. And her DH has said he did not expect me not to go and was sorry about how things were.

They have had strong words with her because she was demanding they uninvite me. They’ve told her she can come and remain civil or not come at all. Apparently, her DH is really upset at how she is acting towards everyone (including him).

Her behaviour is unexpected. She is quite a strong personality, life and soul of the party sort. She is a lot of fun, boisterous, I liked her, and we’ve been friends for a long time. Other friends have been pregnant since it’s been clear that having children was not going to be straightforward for her. I suppose maybe the difference is that this is heading towards the end of the line for her in terms of IVF. Either way, I am not sure I can come back from what has happened, I think the friendship is highly unlikely to survive. I think if she keeps going as she is, ours won’t be the only friendship that is in jeopardy, but I’m not going to involve myself in that if at all possible.

No grace would be shown here either. Suggesting you should abort your baby for made up reasons (because she doesn’t have one) would be a hard line. There’s nothing you could do to redeem that.

This is crazy. Should every wedding guest who is noticeably pregnant not be allowed to attend? How cruel.

She is batshit. Of course you should go to the wedding!

I think you have handled this so well @jacks11 , nothing negative to say about your behaviour at all. You are a good friend.

But I do feel after your last update that your friend's grief at her own situation has made her mentally unstable, bordering on mad tbh, and that is quite heart-breaking isn't it, what infertility can cause to a person.

I hope when she recovers from this awful time (if she can) that she still has friends to support her, as you have shown you have done in the past.

I do think it’s difficult for those who've never experienced the agony of losing / not conceiving when it’s all going on around. I’m unable to remember too much I think my brain shut the trauma out.

babies should really be planned as otherwise you aren’t doing everything you should to make sure they are healthy

This is insane.

Most of humanity who somehow made it out the gate and into adulthood were unlikely to have been from planned pregnancies.

@OldTiredMum1976 @Mistyglade would either of you ever have thought that you would have been justified in speaking to someone in the way this woman has?
Tell them they may have harmed their child? Suggested termination?

Wow, this was very selfish of your friend. She could’ve given you a heads up ahead of time and not publicly put you through that.

Darragon, so sorry this happened to you xx

I think it’s pretty shit that the bride and groom have been dragged into this squabble. They shouldn’t have to be worrying about this stuff at all!

I also think it’s pretty shit that her DH is telling people that he isn’t happy with how she’s acting. He should really be supporting her, even if he doesn’t agree. It’s possible to say “sorry about all this” without saying “I’m upset with how she’s acting” etc. It’s not very compassionate from him IMO.

I’ve been vociferously against the friend all thread, but from close family members going through IVF, I think they are so used to eating well, exercising, taking vitamins, trying to reduce stress, avoid alcohol, etc, in order to help raise their chances by a minute amount, they can’t correlate that other people just get pregnant after not worrying about any of those things.

I also doubt this is really why this friend wanted her to terminate, obviously we can’t know for sure…

I agree, I would not have involved them at all, by choice. This situation should never have impacted on them at all. I did not approach them, and had no intention of doing so. I knew we would not be at the same table anyway and so had no reason to raise anything with them.

DH’s friend made him aware that ex-friend had discussed things with them and tried to persuade them that I should not be there. She had already directly demanded I not attend. I briefly explained the background and reassured them I was planning to just give her a wide berth, but would of course be polite if needed.

We met them today about something entirely different. Bride asked me how I was feeling, I said it was upsetting but I couldn’t change where we were and I was trying to put it on one side. She told me that they’d had further requests from ex-friend and felt they’d had to firmly tell her to stop contacting them about it because they’d made their position clear.

I am sorry they’ve had their wedding dragged into it, but it was not my doing.

God, she’s really not giving up, is she?

Absolutely not! Nothing justifies what has been said in this situation just as nothing justifies all the things I did and said when I was in so much pain. I look back on it all in shame and horror now I am back to my normal self. But the me back then, who had reached rock bottom and felt as if life was not worth living, couldn’t help herself. Unless you have experienced how all consuming the pain of infertile is, it’s hard to understand.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but fertility drugs can seriously mess with hormones and emotions too. Yanbu though, just something else to consider about what might be going on for her.

I also doubt this is really why this friend wanted her to terminate, obviously we can’t know for sure…

Realistically, she probably doesn't really 'want' the OP to terminate her pregnancy. She just doesn't want the OP to be pregnant so she doesn't have to deal with her own pain. She wants to hurt her the way she feels the OP's pregnancy has hurt her. She's being spiteful.and nasty because she is angry and lashing out.

I'm really pleased to hear the friends have stood up to her again and I imagine that if she doesn't get a grip, she'll end up being asked not to attend at all.

I do think if you listen to what she was saying in the phone call she was talking about herself, how you need to be healthy and prepared, likely she’s done all that and still not getting pregnant. You knew she wasn’t going to react well and a I’m sorry this is hurting you, I’m going to go and let you have time would have done rather than getting annoyed with her. There also seems to be a lot of chat that didn’t need to happen. She’s clearly stressed by their last attempt and their relationship doesn’t sound great. Yes she taking it all too far and likely needs professional help but I would try to be a little bit more understanding.