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Original poster

On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

642 replies

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:01

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 07/08/2025 16:36

You need to say something!!

DashboardConfession · 07/08/2025 16:37

What do you mean he got angry? If you outright asked him if he fancies Kate I get him being angry but not if you just raised you being left alone a lot.

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 16:41

@SunnyBlueSeal

"I just had a text from my DH saying if I’m going back to the beach and another one from Kate asking if I’m coming to the beach"

Too late now, but I'd have texted him yes and "Kate" no 😉

You've spoken to your husband, you could speak to "Kate" too and where on earth is "Neil" in this dynamic? Is he blind?

I'd be mortified with my husband if he pulled this sort of stunt!

eta; and what do your kids think, they're both old enough to notice Daddy's disappearing acts with "auntie Kate"?

DeLaRuiz · 07/08/2025 16:41

Oh well if he’s got angry … maybe he’s about to reverse out of the situation and behave more considerately of you. I do hope so. My dh always got angry when I was right.

TheOGBethDuttton · 07/08/2025 16:41

Oh wow, what an arse - both of them.

How did he get angry, what did you and he say to one another?

And how has the friendship shifted?

lechatnoir · 07/08/2025 16:43

Woah OP I'm pretty open minded about these things but if your spidey senses are tingling I'd say something is amiss if not actually happening. I think the advice to bring this out into the open is spot on and get all 4 adults sat round the table today to discuss.
Make it clear FF husband working isn't fair on his kids or his wife who is currently occupying her time gallivanting around with your husband who is acting like a love-struck teenager. Reassure them that of course you're sure there's nothing untoward but it's getting embarrassing and could we all please have some consideration for each and enjoy the holiday with our respective partners.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 07/08/2025 16:43

5128gap · 07/08/2025 15:10

The thing you can't put your finger on is that your H is choosing to spend his time on holiday with your friend rather than with you, and unless there's a very good justification for it such as you refuse to run, windsurf or go into town with him, it's not what you would expect to be the case. Kate is clearly at a loose end with her H working and your H has stepped into the gap. I think you need an honest conversation with him where you point out that the time they are spending together is leaving you alone and that isn't enjoyable for you. You don't need to be imply there's anything untoward (if you do it will be thrown back at you as jealous and unreasonable and the conversation will be about how ridiculous you are not to trust them, I guarantee!) Just focus on how what is happening affects you and what you want to be different.

This

He's on holiday with you but he keeps disappearing with another woman (whose husband is working). So now you're alone and she's not ... with your husband!

You are right to feel uneasy and unhappy and wondering WTF, and you need to say something

Purplevioletblu · 07/08/2025 16:44

How disrespectful of your husband to leave you out, know wonder you're feeling upset. Rude of your "friend" as well. Arrange things to with your family for the rest of the holiday.

Radiatorsa · 07/08/2025 16:48

Your poor kids.
Right in front of them.
His anger is all you need to know.
I would seriously consider packing up and going home.
As for her. She is not your friend.

Vaxtable · 07/08/2025 16:48

I would sit down with him this evening and tell him how you feel, that you can’t walk that well but are left to walk to the beach on your own rather than him coming back for you, that it’s noticeable he is spending time with Kate and not you or the kids

be honest about feeling like the third wheel, tell him Kate has a husband and it’s up to her to get him out with her not rely on you

tell him that you want to spend a couple of days with just you and your kids as a family and Kate and her husband can do their own thing

I would also have a word with Kate and ask her to stop with your husband and engage with her own

LumpyandBumps · 07/08/2025 16:53

Is Neil shaggable?

Seriously, have you spoken to him to find out his opinion?
His insight may be helpful.

cooldarkroom · 07/08/2025 16:54

The anger response makes it even more dodgy

Original poster
SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

thepariscrimefiles · 07/08/2025 15:57

So Kate's husband is working but you are the one who has been left on your own? That's really rude of your DH. You either do things that the three of you enjoy or your DH does things with you.

He is either just really insensitive and clueless, or he is attracted to Kate and deliberately arranging activities with her and leaving you out. Either way, what he is doing is unfair and unacceptable.

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

OP posts:
PreciousTatas · 07/08/2025 16:55

Eurgh, your DH is one of those men that change their entire personalities to fit the current bit of skirt they are chasing.

Tell them you are not going to the beach.

Then go to the beach in a giant sunhat with binoculars and enjoy the show from a distance.

SonK · 07/08/2025 16:58

I wouldn't put up with this rubbish - I would be planning activities with my husband. So what if I can't to anything physically intensive, we'll do other things together.

Sorry but I really pity you, take control of your relationship, plan days out with him in the evening for the next day

dollyblue01 · 07/08/2025 16:58

I’d be telling him that you u want time together the two of you and not with Kate this is your holiday too, let her go and do stuff with her partner. I’d be having a conversation with him too about how it’s felt, no accusations just make him aware and see how he reacts , ask him how he’s feeling if the shoe was on the other foot. Good luck and try and enjoy your holiday

MissyB1 · 07/08/2025 16:59

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

So talk to her. Explain how you feel and ask for some consideration, tell her firmly you and dh need some time as a couple.

tara66 · 07/08/2025 16:59

Ask him if he would like you to go home.
Tell him you want to go home anyway - because of his behaviour and you are having a terrible time and he is being ridiculously obtuse if nothing is going on!

LilacReader · 07/08/2025 16:59

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

What would he do if you arranged something for your family only? Can you try it? If he then says it's unfair to leave her alone - ask him to explain the difference between you and her.

waterrat · 07/08/2025 16:59

I presume there are deeper issues in your marriage. You say you don't want to risk pushing him away by saying it makes you unhappy ? Why would you fear that ?

If your relationship was working wrll he would be focused on you and enjoying time with you. I would say this isn't really about kate she is a symptom and he is always a shit husband.

dollyblue01 · 07/08/2025 17:00

Oh and tell Kate your having time alone with your husband and not to arrange any more activities at present as you want to spend time together alone , make it clear to her and stop letting her dictate what is going to happen, be strong woman.

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/08/2025 17:01

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

Well you can say your DH has other priorities and you’d like him to spend time with you. I’d also be disappointed that my friend invited my family on holiday and then monopolised my DHs time, and that she also didn’t seek me (her actual friend) out. They’re both behaving badly.

PreciousTatas · 07/08/2025 17:03

Actually, sod the beach surveillance.

If your DH genuinely doesn't give a shit that you are upset that he is spending all his time with another woman, then I'd go to Neil and tell him that I am flying home, and why.

Createausername1970 · 07/08/2025 17:03

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

Then you need to be blunt with Kate.

Scarylett · 07/08/2025 17:04

MissyB1 · 07/08/2025 16:59

So talk to her. Explain how you feel and ask for some consideration, tell her firmly you and dh need some time as a couple.

Show quote history

This. She’s really taking the mick. Pull her up on it. If she feels offended then boo hoo. Why should you be the one feeling irritated and left out.