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AIBU?

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Original poster

On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

642 replies

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:01

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

OP posts:
FunkyMonks · 07/08/2025 16:21

Agree with what others have posted boundaries OP speak to your DH explain how it’s making you feel that you are his wife and deserve quality time together and any activities need to include you.
I also think your friend is being rude here as well I would never want to spend alone time with my friends husband really odd yes ok if she was there but not something I would feel comfortable with.
she also needs to address her husband working while on holiday clearly by sounds of it holiday shouldn’t have been booked if he can’t take the time off work but that shouldn’t be down to you having to loan out your DH to make her holiday and ruin yours.

ShallIstart · 07/08/2025 16:21

Why didnt the invite to paddle boarding, running and shops extend to you?
What were you planning to so with the day?
I guess if youbwere planning to sit arpund the pool and DH is bored then I wouldnt have a problem. But if I had plans for the day and they did things without an invite then I would be pissed off.
Did you have any plans to do any activities. Sittjng around a villa whilw kids are off ona course is quite boring so maybe hes just filling his time.

considertheravens · 07/08/2025 16:22

I think I'm at the age where I won't take shit anymore and can't be arsed with playing any stupid games.

I would write out a list of all the things that he has been doing with Kate. Hand it to him and say that he came on holiday to be with his wife and DC, not to be playmate to his DW's friend.

If he continues on this path tell him the marriage will be over once the holiday is over.

PringlesTube · 07/08/2025 16:22

So he’s doing things he wouldn’t normally do at home just because she is? You need to tell him how you’re feeling op. Ask him if he’d be happy if it was you and the other husband who was spending all this time alone together on your family holiday.

considertheravens · 07/08/2025 16:23

Oh and dump the friend, she's not 'your' friend.

DBD1975 · 07/08/2025 16:23

OP you are so not unreasonable.
This situation is totally unacceptable, is your DH usually so inconsiderate.
Sod being pleasant and calm I would go full on ballistic with him, he needs to know you will not tolerate this behaviour because what you do tolerate will continue and it will escalate.

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 16:24

Get all four of you round the table tonight and say you want to have a word with them all. Say you're being left on your own because Husband and Friend are acting like a couple while Friend's Husband is working all the time. Say that's not what you think of as a holiday and that you're planning to go home tomorrow unless it changes immediately. It needs to be brought out into the open. You don't want to complain to him and have him and her bitching about you. Let her husband know what's happening - shine a light on it all.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 16:25

What do youbl want to do with the holiday OP? Would you have gone paddleboardig if included?

You've all gone on holiday to a place with these activities, I don't think it's unreasonable that those who want to partake do them with other spouses if they're the ones who are interested. It's not OK if they're excluding you from things you would have done or if no time is being made for you and DH to do things together.

Did you know her DH would be working? It's not surprising she's tagging along with his/your activities if she's effectively been abandoned by her DH.

But, it does seem like all is not well.

Silvers11 · 07/08/2025 16:26

So now you know why you were invited on the trip - I bet That Kate was the one who asked you, because she didn't want to spend her time alone while her husband was working. or maybe her husband suggested it, so she had company and it kept her off his back!

I do think you need to put your foot down, but as others have said, if you don't like things like paddleboard surfing etc. it is more understandable. But yes if they suggest a walk and similar I would be saying. I'll come with you!

LilacReader · 07/08/2025 16:27

Frikadelle · 07/08/2025 15:06

At best, this is very inconsiderate of both of them.

I agree. It's not so much them doing it but not checking in with you first that a) you don't want to paddle board/shop and b) discussing best time/if you mind.

I really wouldn't mention anything about the 'unlikely but possible affair' yet as you can keep an eye more when they think they are getting away with something.
Please try to have a good holiday x

Campingisnexttogodliness · 07/08/2025 16:27

Has he been wanting sex on this holiday op? If he is seeing Kate likely he won't be sleeping with you. Be too disrespectful to Kate....
Imo.

DashboardConfession · 07/08/2025 16:28

My husband would always check if I wanted to join in with an activity. So would any of my friends and probably also colleagues/acquaintances.

I suspect she is bored and he's easily led because he is trying to impress her. Grim.

Blobbitymacblob · 07/08/2025 16:28

So he’s behaving like he has a crush on her. Do you think she’s interested in the same way? Ime women are socialised to be nice and polite to everyone, while many men are only considerate and attentive to women they’re attracted to. And will happily misread politeness as interest to suit their own agenda.

I’m just asking that as a clarifying question but in either case, your problem is with your dh, not with Kate.

If it were me, I’d call him out on it. Tell him it’s obvious he’s crushing on her and that it’s upsetting you. What he says to that isn’t as important as what he does because ultimately he’ll either put your feelings first, or hers.

Married people get crushes from time to time. Personally I could get past that because I’ve had a few, but I’d never act in a way that would humiliate or upset dh, and if I thought I had I’d be devastated because I love him. And when I’ve caught feelings for someone, I turn into my marriage and put distance between me and the other person.

So personally, I’d be prepared to give him one chance to cop himself on. Particularly if this has never happened before. But I wouldn’t be playing games, or the pick me dance. If he’s willing to risk losing you, he’s just not worthy of you. I’d pack up, book a flight home and just go.

cooldarkroom · 07/08/2025 16:28

I think you need to fight this head on.
Either you ask FF if she & your H are planning to have an affair? if so, please have the courtesy to let you know first.

Or you say in front of all adults, so is this a fling happening? should I be researching a divorce lawyer

Or you say, If you don't want me to book the next flight home, you'd better stop panting all over FF. It's clear as fuck what's happening. I am not playing this game.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 16:29

PringlesTube · 07/08/2025 16:22

So he’s doing things he wouldn’t normally do at home just because she is? You need to tell him how you’re feeling op. Ask him if he’d be happy if it was you and the other husband who was spending all this time alone together on your family holiday.

Tbf I'd do fun things on holiday, suggested by someone I didn't usually see much of, just because the opportunity was there. E.g. I don't usually paddleboard, probably wouldn't organise it for myself, buy if I was out with someone who said "fancy trying paddleboarding later?", I'd go.

That said, if DH was on the trip I'd call and find out if he wanted me to book him on too.

Bufftailed · 07/08/2025 16:29

I’d be pissed off. Why are neither of them thinking about you???

cestlavielife · 07/08/2025 16:30

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:56

I just had a text from my DH saying if I’m going back to the beach and another one from Kate asking if I’m coming to the beach. For anyone wondering if my friend and DH knew each other? Yes we have met a few times for a dinner with her and her DH. Nothing weird going on there before.
They knew I was at the villa when he came to change the top.
I don’t enjoy running at 7am but neither does he, until now! It’s like he is a different person around her and I get a different person at home.

Say no you want to read at villa for 2 hours.... then sneak up on the beach and catch them at it?

popbingo · 07/08/2025 16:30

🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:31

Sorry I forgot to mention that I am post torn ligament injury in my knee ( I’m very fit and active otherwise). I’m ok walking but running and water sports are a bit too much. And I really don’t mind my DH going paddle boarding but it feels like there is no consideration for me. Like I’m walking to the beach on my own and then I’m at the beach on my own and then they come together saying we were paddle boarding together. And it’s embarrassing that my DH didn’t text me that and I’m sitting in the beach on my own for 90min.
They are definitely not fucking but there is a shift in the friendship today with Kate and I tried to talk to my DH about it just now, and he got angry. That tells me a lot

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 07/08/2025 16:32

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:56

I just had a text from my DH saying if I’m going back to the beach and another one from Kate asking if I’m coming to the beach. For anyone wondering if my friend and DH knew each other? Yes we have met a few times for a dinner with her and her DH. Nothing weird going on there before.
They knew I was at the villa when he came to change the top.
I don’t enjoy running at 7am but neither does he, until now! It’s like he is a different person around her and I get a different person at home.

Don't answer, just turn up

Jackiebrambles · 07/08/2025 16:33

Yeah he clearly fancies Kate, and given you are injured he’s being a shit to you. I’d tell him it’s your holiday too and you want some quality time with him!

I did laugh at the water thing, it’s so petty but I can see why it annoyed you. Kate with her fucking fancy sparkling water, what a cow 😂

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/08/2025 16:33

I think it’s really shit to leave your injured wife to fend for herself while you and her friend go off together. Regardless of whether they’re shagging the lack of care and consideration would be hurtful.

What do you think made him angry when you spoke to him @SunnyBlueSeal ?

pontipinemum · 07/08/2025 16:33

It does all sound a bit weird. It def sounds like he fancies her. They probably haven't acted on it. I know I would outright say to my DH how I felt because I cannot hold it in! Tell him you feel like a third wheel and that you want to spend time with him

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 16:34

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:31

Sorry I forgot to mention that I am post torn ligament injury in my knee ( I’m very fit and active otherwise). I’m ok walking but running and water sports are a bit too much. And I really don’t mind my DH going paddle boarding but it feels like there is no consideration for me. Like I’m walking to the beach on my own and then I’m at the beach on my own and then they come together saying we were paddle boarding together. And it’s embarrassing that my DH didn’t text me that and I’m sitting in the beach on my own for 90min.
They are definitely not fucking but there is a shift in the friendship today with Kate and I tried to talk to my DH about it just now, and he got angry. That tells me a lot

Ah, I don't think it's reasonable for you to "spoil" everyone else's holiday by insisting they only ever do things you can manage, and it sounds like an active holiday would be the norm for you, but he does need to set some time aside to keep you company and you're right, an angry response to you trying to talk about it is a red flag.

PuppyMonkey · 07/08/2025 16:34

Oh dear, this is a bit like something I’ve watched on telly recently or a book I’ve read. The husband who everyone’s forgotten about will end up being revealed as a serial killer I reckon.