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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

642 replies

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:01

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/08/2025 17:04

Yeah he’s into Kate and she’s into the attention. I’d be having words with DH.

Original poster
SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:06

LumpyandBumps · 07/08/2025 16:53

Is Neil shaggable?

Seriously, have you spoken to him to find out his opinion?
His insight may be helpful.

Yes Neil is shaggable and also a very lovely person. I would definitely not cross the boundaries of spending the time doing activities on our own. The only time we were together is when all of us are in the group

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 17:07

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

I agree OP. Everyone's very focussed on your DH's inconsiderate behaviour (which, of course, it is) but "Kate" seems to be getting a bit of a free pass here. If she's primarily your friend, why isn't she arranging to do some things with you too? I understand that she's potentially at a bit of a loose end with her own DH working, but arranging activities only with your DH is inconsiderate and I'm really surprised she can't see how excluded you would feel. I'd be feeling quite pissed off with her too.

ohfourfoxache · 07/08/2025 17:07

Your spidey senses are there for a reason……

W0tnow · 07/08/2025 17:07

It’s not so much about being assertive enough to state what you want to happen, it’s that your husband and your friend know, or should know, that it just isn’t cool to leave you on your own for long periods of time on what is supposed to be a group holiday. And that you would prefer to not be on your own. Yet they are engineering these situations, because that is what they want. Your husband is spending time with her because he wants to do that rather than include you. She is doing the same.

So you could make your feelings known, and they could behave better, but ultimately they’ve made it clear what their preference is.

Scarylett · 07/08/2025 17:08

I would ask her why she is spending so much time with your husband.

Topseyt123 · 07/08/2025 17:08

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 16:54

Tbh honest, that’s how I feel. But I’m also annoyed with Kate. She keeps arranging the activities for them, and I can’t say that they can’t do them just because I can’t. I really don’t want to feel grumpy and miserable but the resentment it’s bubbling inside me!

Show quote history

But you can tell her (and your DH) that the way they are behaving is inappropriate and making you feel like the third wheel.

Hopefully she has the grace to be at least a little bit embarrassed. If either of them gets defensive then you might have your answer. They would be realising that they hadn't been as subtle as they thought they had been, and that you were watching now.

They seem to have been pretty careless and blatant to be honest. Your children have probably noticed by now too and it will be embarrassing and hard for them. Do Kate and Neil have any children with them?

CrazyBaubles · 07/08/2025 17:09

I think you need to be quite direct and do it to both of them when you’re all together. Next time they say ‘we’re going running/swimming etc’ can you say something about not wanting to spend the whole holiday on your own?

I think I’d be really pissed off and not sure if this would be the best way to handle it but I also think if anything is building between them they both need to know you are aware and annoyed.

Topseyt123 · 07/08/2025 17:10

Scarylett · 07/08/2025 17:08

I would ask her why she is spending so much time with your husband.

So would I. Pronto.

Zempy · 07/08/2025 17:10

Why can’t you talk to Kate about it?

I would say “it seems DH has developed a little crush on you. Please don’t encourage him, it’s making me feel quite uncomfortable.”

MrsLizzieDarcy · 07/08/2025 17:10

The fact he's got defensive about it says that he knows he's in the wrong. I think your gut is trying to tell you something here. There's obviously an attraction between them, but I'm bloody minded and I wouldn't be dragging him back to my side saying pick me. I'd be on the next flight home.

Shegotanology · 07/08/2025 17:12

Either bring it to their attention how they're making you feel or book the next flight home and leave them to it.

TheBlueUser · 07/08/2025 17:12

Yeah that's not cool - I would be fuming with both of them and would also find it very hard not to be moody.

Kate is being REALLY inconsiderate arranging all these things you can't join. Fair enough they want to do them, but she could at least discuss it with you in a sort of, I know you can't join but I would like to do xyz, we'll be x amount of time and then let's do whatever you want.

Your husband is likely enjoying the attention, when he should be saying no thanks Kate, I would prefer to do something my wife can join in as well.

Who wants to be sat on holiday on their own for most of the day?

Nanatobethatsme46 · 07/08/2025 17:13

Careful.a relative of mine went on holiday with his wife and teenage kids, met a family overseas and they all got on well , spent the holiday together , seems the relationship between the wife and the friends hubby started once they got home , they were at it behind his back for a while
Now divorced

MikeRafone · 07/08/2025 17:16

your husband getting angry when you brought up about time he is spending with another woman on holiday - as you say is very telling

I think there is something wrong with your marriage and is it worth salvaging or not?

id say to both of them together - im feeling like a gooseberry on my own holiday, not a nice feeling

MyLimeGuide · 07/08/2025 17:18

DBD1975 · 07/08/2025 16:23

OP you are so not unreasonable.
This situation is totally unacceptable, is your DH usually so inconsiderate.
Sod being pleasant and calm I would go full on ballistic with him, he needs to know you will not tolerate this behaviour because what you do tolerate will continue and it will escalate.

This. OMG what a pair of C☆☆TS im so angry and upset for you OP 😤

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 17:18

It's possible Kate thinks she's doing the right thing. Her DH can't do activities because he's working, you can't because of your injury, so it makes some sense for them to do them together.

If that is the case, she's misjudged it (and so has DH by agreeing to it so freely) but the only way to find out and resolve it is to talk to them, maybe over dinner when everyone else is there?

SheridansPortSalut · 07/08/2025 17:18

I think that you should make some casual references to how they're enjoying their activities so much and how much time you have had on your own, while the four of you are together. It needs to be on Neils radar too.

SiameseBlueEyes · 07/08/2025 17:19

I have no idea why you think they're not having an affair. It's called cheating in plain sight. He's obviously keen as mustard and she's the one setting up these excursions. She is not your friend.

Lots of people are urging you to nip it in the bud. I think I'd be just too disgusted with my husband if he'd ever done something like this to readily if ever forgive him. Having an affair is one thing but doing it with your wife's friend while on holiday and making your own wife feel like a gooseberry is an even worse level of behaviour. It's also astonishing that he gets angry when you challenge his behaviour. He'd rather you were upset than stop spending so much time with Kate and that tells you everything really.

I think I'd be having a cosy chat with Neil about Kate's extraordinary behaviour - pretend concern about her mental health. She shouldn't be getting away with this behaviour having robbed a grenade into your marriage - lob it right back into hers.

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 17:19

Nanatobethatsme46 · 07/08/2025 17:13

Careful.a relative of mine went on holiday with his wife and teenage kids, met a family overseas and they all got on well , spent the holiday together , seems the relationship between the wife and the friends hubby started once they got home , they were at it behind his back for a while
Now divorced

How does the OP be careful? I think this is exactly the kind of outcome she's concerned about.

Original poster
SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:24

Nomdejeur · 07/08/2025 16:01

Even If he’s not having an affair, at minimum he’s rude as fuck. Leaving you alone all the time? You need to have a word and remind him who he’s on holiday with, not that you should have to.

Yes, thank you! I honestly don’t think they are having affair as they only met each other a few times before the holiday. It’s the inconsideration which is annoying me. And it’s from both of them

OP posts:
Campingisnexttogodliness · 07/08/2025 17:24

I'd be seeking out a hunky bar tender..
Dh has imo shown his true colours..
And Kate isn't your friend..

MyLimeGuide · 07/08/2025 17:25

SiameseBlueEyes · 07/08/2025 17:19

I have no idea why you think they're not having an affair. It's called cheating in plain sight. He's obviously keen as mustard and she's the one setting up these excursions. She is not your friend.

Lots of people are urging you to nip it in the bud. I think I'd be just too disgusted with my husband if he'd ever done something like this to readily if ever forgive him. Having an affair is one thing but doing it with your wife's friend while on holiday and making your own wife feel like a gooseberry is an even worse level of behaviour. It's also astonishing that he gets angry when you challenge his behaviour. He'd rather you were upset than stop spending so much time with Kate and that tells you everything really.

I think I'd be having a cosy chat with Neil about Kate's extraordinary behaviour - pretend concern about her mental health. She shouldn't be getting away with this behaviour having robbed a grenade into your marriage - lob it right back into hers.

Agree with most of this. Except talking to Neil. He could end up causing more trouble, like why is he ok with this? And working while on holiday? Obviously their relationship isn't good. Or he might be in denial and accuse OP of troublemaking. Trust no one OP.

ButteredRadish · 07/08/2025 17:25

Nanatobethatsme46 · 07/08/2025 17:13

Careful.a relative of mine went on holiday with his wife and teenage kids, met a family overseas and they all got on well , spent the holiday together , seems the relationship between the wife and the friends hubby started once they got home , they were at it behind his back for a while
Now divorced

That’s it, keep the positivity flowing

Kreepture · 07/08/2025 17:25

you need to approach this head on, and tell both of them you're sick of being left out and feeling like a third wheel.