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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 07/08/2025 21:28

It seems to be common in some regions.

I'm close to my Mum but no way - I wanted it to be just DH and I.

Mischance · 07/08/2025 21:35

I have 3 DDs and 8 GC.

One of them really wanted me there. I was there for number one, but then she had a section), I saw number 2 born, and just missed the third one - she popped out too fast! I was happy to be there.

Neither of the other DDs asked me to be with them. All fine - their delivery, their choice. But both wanted me there speedily afterwards - and to help out during the weeks that followed!

It is personal choice.

I was moved to be there at the birth of the one GC, and also quite happy not to be there for the others.

phoenixrosehere · 07/08/2025 22:05

God no.

She’s one of those types who thinks she knows best and if she wouldn’t want to do something, no one else would either and if you dare correct her or not do what she says, she’s either offended and claims she is always wrong or will nag you until you do.

She would stress me out. I didn’t want my parents there and didn’t have/ want DH there after the first.

DH was there for the first. (Traumatised by it and still gets emotional 10 years on talking about it and he is one of those types that struggles to sit still so better off with our other children.)

Doula for the second.
Just me and hospital staff for the third.

My parents wanted to be there for the third (I was 4 days over due date) and had DC3 when they were en route to the airport in the States so met the baby when I came home.

My mother got her chance with her golden child and don’t think my sister would want that again if she decides to have a second.

Her commentary during birth wasn’t helpful for my sister nor did having her there after birth. Think she was one of the factors for my sister struggling with PND. She was overbearing from what I saw on video chat, acting like an expert about breastfeeding when she herself hadn’t breastfed and my sister was struggling and doesn’t get on with my sister’s spouse so added tension there when it was not the time. Think my sister quickly realised why I didn’t have her there right after birth with the first two alone and she and my dad were keeping our sons occupied when three came along since I gave birth during a term break.

My mother criticised my body for years and was annoyed when I remained slim after all three children. Constantly made remarks about me nursing my children so no, I would not have her there. I’d have Pennywise there before I’d have my mother.

TunnocksOrDeath · 07/08/2025 22:16

I think it depends on circumstances. DH came to all the NCT classes (took notes!) and is good with being given instructions requests, so he was quite enthusiastic and useful. I do understand that's not the case for everyone.
Our sprog was born more than 30 hours after I arrived in hospital so I'm glad Mum wasn't there. DH was all the company I needed. It would have been so annoying to have extra family faffing about and looking for chairs to sit in, joining in the conversations with the midwife, and getting in the way; and I can't imagine what extra support I might have required in addition to the baby's father and a team of qualified professionals.
Our families came to visit in the hospital later, and sit with me and DC while DH nipped home for a change of clothes and a short nap.

Rusalina · 07/08/2025 22:21

I had my mum there for both births and found it so comforting and useful. I don’t think I’m especially close with my mum either! We’re not NOT close, but definitely not “enmeshed”… my mum is also extremely good in a crisis - not that my births were crises thankfully, but it was just good to know I’d have a very level head alongside me if something did go wrong.

I have a friend who’s thinking about having her MIL at her next birth - to be fair, I’d have her mother in law there at my birth if she’d agree to it as she’s an absolutely lovely person and would be the perfect birth partner!!

I also am a little bit woo-y and love the idea of being surrounded by wise women during childbirth, especially as that’s the way it has always been until very recent times. My husband was a very good birth partner, but in the throes of labour I did, very uncharitably I’m sure, find myself feeling irritated and thinking “oh what the hell do you know?!” whenever he spoke 😳 whereas I felt my mum at least had been through it before if nothing else!

Rusalina · 07/08/2025 22:24

I’m interested in the discussion above about how this is region-specific, because I was actually surprised by how many women on this thread are firmly in the “no mothers” camp. In my circles, I know very few people who DIDN’T have their mothers there with them! I even have friends who moved to London who all plan to move back before starting families, and at least two of them that I can remember specifically mentioned that wanting to have their mums with them for birth was a factor.

Mummypie21 · 07/08/2025 22:50

My mum and I are close but no way would I want her there when I was giving birth. She tends to fret and would have stressed me out even more.

chocolatelover91 · 07/08/2025 22:56

I had my mum with me. Always knew I wanted her to be there! And if I had another one she would be there again! ❤️

mondaytosunday · 07/08/2025 23:05

No - I only wanted my DH there.

Thatnameistaken · 07/08/2025 23:21

I had a home birth and my mum was there, she kept the midwives and Partner and I topped up with snacks and helped clear up after, it was nice having her there

RainbowSlimeLab · 07/08/2025 23:37

No, and wouldn't have wanted her there. Dp rang her shortly after I gave birth and she ignored the call. (OK, so it was V early, but knowing your dd is heavily pregnant surely you'd assume that the call was regarding that and answer???). I rang her an hour later (half 7) and she immediately berated me for not phoning earlier. She then rang round the family and agreed a cousin should ring. Said cousin was horrified I'd only made it back to the ward and she'd been encouraged to call so soon.

If she'd been there appearances would have been everything. Swearing, pooing etc would not have been allowed. She would have been tired, stressed, worried and I'd have known about it. And obviously the whole thing would have been worse for her than me.

Calm DP was who I needed.

Leapintothelightning · 07/08/2025 23:44

Absolutely not I could not imagine anything worse!
If either of my girls have a baby when they’re older and they wanted me to be there of course I would be no matter what

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/08/2025 23:50

No way.
I love my mum to bits but she isn’t calm in a crisis or practical at all.

mrlistersgelfbride · 08/08/2025 00:05

Rusalina · 07/08/2025 22:24

I’m interested in the discussion above about how this is region-specific, because I was actually surprised by how many women on this thread are firmly in the “no mothers” camp. In my circles, I know very few people who DIDN’T have their mothers there with them! I even have friends who moved to London who all plan to move back before starting families, and at least two of them that I can remember specifically mentioned that wanting to have their mums with them for birth was a factor.

It does depend on the personalities of both mother and daughter though. I’m in the north west and I don’t know many people who had their mum with them.

You have to be able to get along well when you are tired, stressed and in pain and they need to be practical and helpful and have common sense.
It also depends if they want to be there. Some don’t! My own mum told me she can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t go for their husband partner as first choice and I do agree.
My mum can’t sit still so this is also a factor 🤣 you need to have some sort of relaxing presence around you when giving birth.
It is nice that women can have this relationship with their mums but If I had my chance I’d make the same decision again.

Each to their own.

arecklessmanor · 08/08/2025 00:18

No, just DH, it was during Covid so if he hadn’t been able to come in I would have just gone alone. We rang them after the baby was born, no one knew I was at the hospital (planned c-section, had known the date for months).

One of my sisters did have our mum there but she felt a bit pressured into it.

My mum is very deferential to medical staff and I don’t think would have had the confidence to advocate for me any better than I could have done myself (and possibly would have apologised to the medical staff if I had requested anything).

MsNevermore · 08/08/2025 00:30

I didn’t have her there with my first, it was just me and exH at the hospital.
My second was a planned home birth, and it was just a coincidence that on the day of arranged for my mum to come over and do my hair, I went into labour 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 So she still came and kept DC1 busy in other rooms while I laboured in the living room. One of the first things out of my mouth when DC2 was born was “Where’s my mum?! Someone go get my mum?!” 😂😂
My third, another planned homebirth, was so quick, the midwives barely made it, let alone my mum 😂

Painrelief · 08/08/2025 00:41

I’m genuinely shocked how many women didn’t want their Mums with them whilst bringing their child into the world .

I had my Mum with me whilst having DS , and I was there to see my Grandson come into the world too . I got to the hospital and the visiting hours had ended and he hadn’t arrived yet so my DS asked if I could go into the labour room and be another birthing partner so he could go and have a breather as he was overwhelmed, Both parents are young . It was amazing 💙 My GS Mum lost her own Mum when she was a child so she appreciated the support .

My DS is my Mums golden boy I’m sure it’s coz she saw him come into the world. He can’t do no wrong 🤣

Original poster
Wiseplumant · 08/08/2025 08:58

ginasevern · 07/08/2025 18:37

I gave birth in the 70's and (to my knowledge) nobody was allowed in back then. But, even if they were, I would not have wanted my mother, husband, best friend or anyone. The thought makes me shudder to be honest but I appreciate that's probably just me.

Although my DD dad was with me when DD was born .I think I would have been just fine with only midwife present. I remember apart from being off my head on pethidine, all I wanted to do was focus on giving birth and found any distraction even my DD dad chatting to the midwife annoying. I had bought in tapes music ( it was 1988!) to listen to , but couldn't bear to have them on.

OP posts:
4naans · 08/08/2025 09:07

mrlistersgelfbride · 08/08/2025 00:05

It does depend on the personalities of both mother and daughter though. I’m in the north west and I don’t know many people who had their mum with them.

You have to be able to get along well when you are tired, stressed and in pain and they need to be practical and helpful and have common sense.
It also depends if they want to be there. Some don’t! My own mum told me she can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t go for their husband partner as first choice and I do agree.
My mum can’t sit still so this is also a factor 🤣 you need to have some sort of relaxing presence around you when giving birth.
It is nice that women can have this relationship with their mums but If I had my chance I’d make the same decision again.

Each to their own.

Show quote history

My husband was my first choice. I had my mum there as well. You can have 2 people.

dementedmummy · 08/08/2025 18:03

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

No I didn't have either my mother or MIL present. I can genuinely think of nothing worse than trying to push a human out of me and having anyone other than my husband who was responsible for my pregnant state and trained medical staff responsible for keeping me and baby alive in the room with legs akimbo. My mother has however not forgiven me for not having her there. Nor has she forgiven me for being in ICU for 5 days before I gave birth and not having her there as my organs started to fail. While I can indeed understand her desire to be near her daughter as she was potentially dying, I did not need the drama my mother brings (namely her ability to make everything about her and to incessantly touch me - I hate being touched by anyone) at a time when I was focusing all my energy on keeping my baby alive. I don't regret it as I did what was necessary to try and get me through a very traumatic lead up to birth. Other people will make different choices and ultimately it is up to the woman giving birth who is or is not present as she brings a baby into this world. No one else should have any say in who is or is not present and if you are lucky enough to be invited to the birth, treat it as a gift not a done deal.

SCHMINK · 08/08/2025 18:09

I was in a tumultuous relationship and had asked my then partner and also my mum to be with me at my son’s birth.

Ex partner called her as we were driving to the hospital to ask her to meet us there (water broke pdq). She decided she had time for a bath and to walk to the hospital (an hour) - I think she sauntered in as I was delirious with pain and an epidural was being arranged. I remember a lovely soothing voice talking calmly to me - turned out to be a midwife…….

As a few others have mentioned, she made it all about her as per usual.

MTPlate · 08/08/2025 18:24

I had my mum with me for birth of DS1. His dad was bloody useless and actually went out for the night just before I went into labour! But I'd always planned to have mum with me, and she came to ante natal class with me. It was a long, difficult birth and I was so relieved to have my dear mum with me. Split with DS1 dad a few years later.
When I had DS2, his dad actively wanted to be there. It was an easier birth, thank goodness, as I don't know if partner would have been able to advocate for me/the baby as effectively as my mum did.

Chinsupmeloves · 08/08/2025 18:31

IME no for everyone i know, only teenage Mums have had their Mums present as partners were too immature or absent. Xxx

LaughingCat · 08/08/2025 18:37

Good god no - about to have our first and we won’t even tell her when I go into labour. Her level of panic and anxiety is off the charts and she expects everyone else to soothe her. Reassuring her every few minutes is not my job when I’m trying to give birth. Not my birthing partner’s either.

And then she’d get bored and would start acting out as well, because the labour wasn’t as exciting as she thought it would be. She’d find a way to piss off every midwife, consultant, nurse and technician with crazy requests because ‘it’s too warm, it’s too cold, this unnecessary thing needs sorting out’ etc. Then she’d tell me how much discomfort she’s in from the hard chair and expect me to find a way to get a softer one for her. And she can’t possibly eat the food but there’s nowhere else to get any. Litany of moans about how things are so hard for her while she’s there.

It would be bad enough remotely - in person? Doesn’t even bear thinking about. We’ll send her some photos after and say the baby came suddenly lol.

CharlotteCChapel · 08/08/2025 18:38

My mum and husband tag teamed on my first, and DH only for the others. I was with DD for her first two.