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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
Flamingoknees · 08/08/2025 18:41

It never crossed my mind - my partner was there.
My sister, whose DH couldn't be there, did it solo.

MMUmum · 08/08/2025 18:58

I had an elective section due to high risk pregnancy. My Dh was outside in the waiting room as we had planned because he's squeamish and would have ended up on the floor. My Dm said 'if I'd known I would have been there', that's exactly why I didn't tell her😅 I just didn't want any fussing at all and I was fine on my own

SuperBlondie28 · 08/08/2025 19:00

Absolutely NOT... I told DH not to tell her I was in labour/in hospital.

My mother is a narcissist. Makes everything about her. Believe me, she'd be telling the midwife what to do and not do.

She has little patience too. I was starting to contract at 7am in hospital , give birth next day at 2.10am.

pokewoman · 08/08/2025 19:04

With my first yes,

With my other children no, because she was babysitting for me. I'd have loved her there though!

Dontknowwhyidoit · 08/08/2025 19:12

Yes, my mum has been at all 5 births, she was a great source of support and was better than my partners.

GinJeanie · 08/08/2025 19:13

My NDN had a home birth with her Mum AND Dad there. Just no! 😱

Dontjudgeme101 · 08/08/2025 19:14

Waterlogged · 07/08/2025 14:44

I had my mum and partner. Most of my friends did the same

I had my mum and my husband too.

livingthatlifevondutch · 08/08/2025 19:21

Absolutely not. She seizes any opportunity to criticise me or educate me about my faults - having her there at my most vulnerable moment in life would have been horrendous. I doubt I would have been able to relax enough to get the baby out!

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 08/08/2025 19:31

DM was at the birth of both my dc as was dh. Orriginally the plan was for a homebirth, my brother was a home birth and mum was really supportive of my decision. Unfortunately, due to high blood pressure that had to change to a hospital birth with both dc!
DH has autism and it was great to have mum there too.......I was very lucky that I had 2 very short labours, dm may have got on my nerves if I had been more than a few hours!

JustMeAndTheFish · 08/08/2025 19:36

Definitely not. In fact I didn’t want my husband there either, although he missed our first child’s birth. I just wanted to concentrate and get in the zone and him rubbing my back and twittering on just really got on my nerves 😂

J3001 · 08/08/2025 19:38

Had my mam and dh at both my boys mam saved youngest ones life as came out with cord round his neck and purple mid wife didn't see dh was useless

notonmywatch28 · 08/08/2025 19:53

Mine was at the birth of my third, I invited her as she is fascinated by the medical world , and I’m her only daughter so her only chance of witnessing something very special. I found it a welcome distraction listening to her and my DH chat away ( not about anything birth related ), my lovely dad was left at home babysitting the other two !

Sallywag134 · 08/08/2025 20:12

I hadn’t planned on having my my mum present when I was having my first child, nor did she expect that I’d want her there as I had my ex with me. I was being induced and had been there all day with nothing happening. My dad was working and had the car and my mum took a train and a taxi to visit me during visiting hours. Around 2 hours after she had gone home I was told I was being taken to the delivery suite as we had to speed up the Labour. Suddenly I panicked, I needed my mum there. I called her, she had literally just got home. Told her what was happening and why and she said ‘do you want me to come back?’ I said yes. She said she’d get a taxi (probably cost around £50). She got there just as I’d accepted the offer of an epidural. Epidural didn’t work and I went through a sped up labour with her sat quite quietly. I told the midwife I was going to be sick, she said ‘no you’re not, you just feel nauseous it’s normal’ I repeated I was going to be sick, again the midwife dismissed me, my ex laughed and said it’s her first baby she doesn’t know anything. Suddenly my mum stood up, grabbed a cardboard bowl and said ‘if she says she’s going to be sick she’s going to be sick’ she attempted to pass the bowl to me, as she did a vomited into it. I was so glad she was there. Second child with my husband was much different. Went 10 weeks early and parents were at a hospital appointment that morning (can’t remember if for mum or dad as everything is fine) had baby an hour after arriving at hospital, sent husband to call them to let me know, he came in with box of sandwiches 5 minutes later and said they were already here, sat at the bottom of the corridor. They knew I didn’t have my bag ready for hospital and had been and bought everything I’d need.

TattyBluebell · 08/08/2025 20:13

No way!
My mum and I had a great relationship, but there's no way I would've wanted her there while I was giving birth! I would have ended up looking after her and trying to calm her down!

Wowwee1234 · 08/08/2025 20:18

I had my MIL and dh at my first (my mum couldn't get there in time) and my mum and dh with my second. We are close and she was amazing. Can't fathom anyone who wouldn't want their mum.

And no - we are not 'co dependent', just love each other as parents and children do.

indoorplantqueen · 08/08/2025 20:20

I’m shocked to see how many women have mothers who are narcissists/ selfish/ makes it all about them etc (in their view). I don’t know anyone in real life thankfully who has a mother like this.

winnieanddaisy · 08/08/2025 20:38

When I had my first in 1973 , it wasn’t usual to have even the dad present let alone your mum . I had a 48 hour back to back labour totally on my own . It was very scary as I was only 20.
I had 2 sons after my baby girl and although the first was only born a year later my husband was allowed to stay for the births .
It didn’t occur to me for my mum to be there .
when my DD had her DD 20 years ago she asked me to be at the birth along with her husband. I was there until she was taken to theatre for an emergency section then only one person could go in with her so of course the dad went in with her .

katienana · 08/08/2025 20:41

My mum was there when I had my first baby. I'm glad she was there, I had complications after the birth (placenta didn't come out, umbilical cord snapped, then I haemorrhaged) and it meant she and dh could swap between holding the baby and holding my hand while I was getting sorted out. She was also great during the pushing stage which went on for a long time. I really needed the extra encouragement from someone who'd actually done it. None of this is to say dh was a bad birthing partner, quite the opposite. He loves my mum too if there was any tension then I think it wouldn't work. Im glad she got to have that experience of seeing a baby born, as a mum of 2 boys I think its v unlikely that I'll see it myself!

Dawnb19 · 08/08/2025 21:07

No just me and my partner. I know fine well she would constantly try and rub my back and I'd just get angry and ask her to leave. My sister had our mum there and said she was annoying. 🤣 I do have birth really fast anyway so she wouldn't have had time to make it.

JayJayj · 08/08/2025 21:09

I always imagined I would want her there. But when it came to it, I was actually happy for just my husband to be there.

There was a time when things got scary. I didn’t realise just how bad it was as I was out of it, that I wish he had called her to come. He was scared and wasn’t sure what to do. My mum can keep level headed in situations. Luckily nothing needed deciding and I was fine after a while.

JayJayj · 08/08/2025 21:09

I always imagined I would want her there. But when it came to it, I was actually happy for just my husband to be there.

There was a time when things got scary. I didn’t realise just how bad it was as I was out of it, that I wish he had called her to come. He was scared and wasn’t sure what to do. My mum can keep level headed in situations. Luckily nothing needed deciding and I was fine after a while.

T1mesAreHardForDreamers · 08/08/2025 21:16

I have a lot of boundaries with my mum to the point of having walls up a bit and am definitely not co-dependent, my DP was the most important person in the room to me but I was anxious and my hospital at the time had a reputation and was flagged for higher than normal infant mortality. My mum came with us just for my first; I appreciated the support but she was more in the background and advocating for me, like when the heart rate monitor started dropping and the locum midwife didn't really react.

My DP was the one close to me, talking to me, rubbing my back and supporting me, and as soon as my baby was born, my mum cleared off to give me and my DP space to bond with her.

It was perfect and I didn't need her there for subsequent births. Obviously if I was only allowed one person in the room I would have had my partner. I respect so much how mum was willing to be there for me but not overstep, it was really kind. She also did this for my sister, and we were both quite young with our first babies so I genuinely believe it was really helpful to have a woman who had gone through childbirth present.

Zonder · 08/08/2025 21:23

Blimey no. I just wanted my DH there.

bibbidybobbedyboop · 08/08/2025 21:27

Nope. I wish she could have supported me in labour but in reality mum would have amplified any stress, flapped and spread anxiety and generally made it worse. She would have been useless at advocating for me. We didn’t tell her until after the event as I couldn’t handle her worrying at a distance either.

Lovingthelighterevenings · 08/08/2025 21:29

Feck no!

She visited after about 8 weeks and that was still a couple of years too soon for me.