AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

[Wiseplumant]

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

When I was pregnant, the thought crossed my mind and I asked mum if she would wver consider being my birth partner. I've no idea why, as we aren't close but i think I was feeling very vulnerable after a very difficult birth with my first. She pulled a twisted face and said 'why don't you ask your mother in law, you two seem very pally'. So I dropped it (thankfully). A few weeks later, she annoyed me about somwthinfg while I was visiting her, so I just calmly and quietly left her house to avoid an argument. She started sending me an onslaught of abusive messages telling me that I made the entire family very sad and my behaviour was disgusting. I begged her to stop, told her I was almost 8 months pregnant and didn't want to fight, but she wouldn't speak to me. My dad had to intervene and we eventually made some sort of truce.

A few weeks later, I was staying with my mother the night my waters broke at 36 weeks pregnant. I was standing in my bare feet with amniotic fluid pouring down my legs and was crying because it was too early and I was scared. She said 'I can't say I think much of that tattoo on your foot'. I was so anxious amd she kept rolling her eyes saying 'for God's sake, it's not like you're 24 weeks or something!'

She fell out with me again when the baby was 3 weeks old because she assumed I would be coming to her house for Sunday dinner even though I'd made other plans.

So no. I knew she would make comments about me being a wimp during labour or would try to embarrass me afterwards. She came to visit me in the early stages of labour and I just kept trying to hide my tattoo from her. It makes me sad to remember.

No, but not for the lack of trying. She lived a far distance from me at the time and babies arrived before she got here. I had home births.

I’ve got three daughters, if they wanted me to be there I would but equally I’d not be offended if they didn’t. It’s whatever would make them feel most calm.

My Mum (and Dad) were at the hospital when I had my eldest, as I had an emergency Caesarean and was scared. My partner was with me when I had the Caesarean and my parents waited nervously in the other room until my partner came out and told them she had been born. My Mum wanted to be there if I’d had a natural birth, but I felt she would find it distressing seeing me in so much pain and not knowing what to do!

I haven't come across this IRL. Actually, I take it back. My friend was is tue delivery room when her brother was being born. So friends mum and her husband and older daughter. Otherwise it has only come across in tv and Internet. But maybe I'll meet someone who had multiple people present.

Similarly don't know anyone who has had extended family in the waiting room, but that seems to be a thing aswell.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having my mother with me!

I had her there with my first, but she was a pain in the arse offering no support whatsoever but sat moaning about everything for the entire thing. She was out of the door within 5 minutes of the birth. She went home in a taxi and I didn’t hear from her again for ten days! (Those were the pre-mobile days)

Needless to say, she wasn’t invited back for the births of my subsequent DCs.

Absolutely! Couldn’t have done it without her and DH by my side. My DC were all high risk pregnancies and births though, so we figured if anything happened then DH could go with his baby and DM would stay with hers.

Nope. The only person I wanted was dp.

She was there for many hours of labour but it ended in a crash section with DH only.

No, it was me and my baby’s dad. Wouldn’t have occurred to my mum or me, and we loved each other very much

I didn't have my mum at any of my births, I am close to her but felt that it was something just for myself and DH. She and my sister were at the hospital and did come in pretty soon after my firstborn though. I had a homebirth with my 3rd and mum was downstairs with our two younger children and they all came up to see the baby when he was a few minutes old ☺️

I loved my mother but hell, no!

I gave birth alone (child’s father was a deadbeat and couldn’t be arsed to leave work finally turned up drunk. ) Ex obviously!!

My parents were house sitting as our new conservatory floor was being laid, on the day I was giving birth!! My Mum spent most of the day trying to keep my Dad calm, and speaking to me on the phone!! I had my husband only at the birth of our son (I was induced, and then ended up with an emergency C-section).

Absolutely no way would I want my mother there during childbirth 😂 although I've always had her around in the early PP period. I only had medical professionals & DH there during childbirth itself and thay suits me just fine. I did have MIL around for a bit of my 2nd labour as she was our childcare for DD1. My labour was very fast so I was having intense contractions basically as DH loaded the car up etc. It was fine and wasn't weird at all, but I was also glad to drive to the hospital with DH as I didn't feel like I could quite be myself and moo during my contractions around MIL lol

Briefly considered it and then I couldn’t have more than one partner because of covid.

so so so glad I didn’t have my mother at any of my births. She a huge worrier and causes everyone else anxiety when they didn’t have any to start with

No I didn’t have my mother there during birth.

But during the deepest throws of labour when I was feeling very animalistic, on all fours in the pool, I screamed “I want my mum!” So loudly, so instinctively.

I was so shocked I said that. But it came out of me.

it bought a tear to her eye when I told her after.

I didn’t have my mum with me for any of my births, I only ever wanted my husband to be with me though I know plenty who did want their mum’s there. For my last birth (a homebirth) my step-daughter who was 18 at the time was also present which was really special.

No I love my mum and we’re super close but I couldn’t think of anything worse!
She would worry, and I can read every single expression on her face even if she tries to hide it, and it would just piss me off and I don’t know why 😂

100%. NO. WAY. I couldn't imagine this! Dh was there.

With my son his dad and my mum were there. I didn't know if I'd want my mum there so she was on standby but I'm so so glad she was. I remember thinking "who will advocate the best for me and my wants should I be unable to" and it was my mum. Still is! She wasn't pushy about being there, simply said if I wanted her there she would be and if I didn't she wouldn't be offended or anything like that. My son's dad and I weren't together very long and I just knew he wouldn't truly advocate for me.

With my daughter it was me and him. I wanted my mum there but things happened fairly quickly and she arrived just after my daughter was born. It was still special and I still needed her because I had to go to theatre after as my placenta was stuck. Tbh it didn't matter that my daughters dad was there. I'd have has the same experience if it was just me and the medical staff!

And in some areas of the country children grow up in extended families. There's an in between your two examples. I'm in Merseyside, there's as many Dads, grandads, Uncles etc at school pick up/drop off as there are mums. There's no excuses made for useless Dads. I'm near 60, men would be the breadwinners because they could earn more, but each would have their role. It was a lot less isolated than today. Women in many countries are a big suport system to each other.
I was my DDs birth partner, with her partner. She had home, pool, births. She welcomed my help in establishing and carrying on with breastfeeding. I'm a support to all my adult children, in different ways, because they have different personalities and needs. That doesn't mean that we are emeshed. We don't talk everyday. I don't ask, if they don't tell me, they don't particularly want me to know and I've got a full life.

No way and we are very close. She didn’t want to either. This is such a weird thing to me and would feel so grossed out.

I feel most grossed out by those home births where all the kids are spectators and just milling about.

God no.

She wouldn't have anyway. She's not that sort of mother.