To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

[Greensl100]

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s.

Examples…

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)

calling child self centred

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction

pulling hair and smacking

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

Of course it's abuse.

It's really sad if you can't see that's abuse.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It is proper abuse. x

I think your whole idea of what is normal is skewed as a defence mechanism because no none of that is normal and is abusive

Agreed I wouldnt call it extreme abuse either. I would say the parents seem unpleasant,
unkind and at occasionally abusive.
Though there’s two sides to every story and I’d like to know how the child behaved throughout this time.

@HowToTrainYourDragonfruit @NoSoupForU @Sal17690

I know it’s not good parenting and I can see some of it is abusive, but honestly would you call that extreme abuse?

Most of that is pretty bad.

Is this some weird reverse? Clearly it’s abuse.

Yes, abuse. Are you the child or the parent?

Extreme abuse: well, nobody died. But otherwise, yes, out and out abuse.

Some of its sadly common.

Hair pulling and thrashing a kids room. These cross a line into irreparable.

@Locutus2000 this is a really nasty comment

I am older than you. I was a child in the 60s and 70s. Some of the things on your list would have been considered extreme even then.

@Thaawtsom i am the child.

I do recognise it is abuse but my therapist is adamant that this is extreme abuse and her description of it has really bothered me. I feel like it’s dramatising it when yes it’s abuse but there’s worse surely? I don’t know why I feel so sad about it but her description has really affected me

If you'd asked me a few years ago, I would agree it's not extreme excuse.

I've now realised that I was viewing it from the lens of being conditioned to think that some things were ok - that really weren't.

This sort of behaviour over a long length of time has lasting impacts, potentially cPTSD , and will impact the child's relationships over their life. That's pretty extreme.

Saying child needed to be more like child’s friend…you don’t see this as extremely psychologically abusive? The rhetoric of you aren’t good enough is awful for a child.

Hair pulling and smacking? Forcing a child to experience allergic reactions? Very abusive.

Things being normalised doesn't mean they're not abusive. A lot of abusive things were normalised in the past. Like, hitting and raping your wife was totally a normal and accepted thing at one point.

As a bonus, trauma, developing trauma and impact of childhood trauma later in life has no correlation (apparently) to the severity of abuse you've received either. Development of trauma, and getting mental and physical health conditions ongoing in life due to trauma, is all to do with how the child's brain interpreted what was going on and how they were able to emotionally and mentally respond at the time. Different for each child. Two children could experience the exact same thing technically.. One might develop lifelong severe CPTSD, but the other may not.

I read something recently about how a lot of trauma had to do with whether the child had a safe person to go to. I. E a child could be physically abused relentlessly by parent, but if they had a loving sibling who was aware, understood, and they could talk to about it then they were less likely to be as severely impacted with trauma later in life compared to a kid who, say, was "just" verbally abused often but had no one to go to, who knew, or who they could talk to about it and get reassurance. If they were entirely alone with the resulting feelings.

Have no idea if it's true or backed up by science, it was just an article I read somewhere. Subject is fascinating though.

It's not as extreme as the most extreme abuse but some of that is getting close.
I'm a child of the 90s and thankfully I did not experience any of that.

On the scale of things, it’s not as bad as beating up children, sexually abusing them, starving them etc, but it’s hardly normal, and it is abuse. Maybe not as extreme as the examples I’ve given, but it’s heading that way.

Also, abuse is abuse. It’s a bit like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you’re either pregnant or not.

For the record, none of the things you listed have ever happened to me. The only one outof your list that maybe not be abusive is the cooking one, for safety reasons , as long as teen had food available.

@KellySeveride yes I think it is abusive but worse would be saying you are a shit child or youre inadequate etc? I just hate the feeling that I have been a victim of extreme abuse. It makes me feel weirdly sad

I thought everyone would have experienced at least one thing on this list

Maybe you feel so sad us because you don’t want to think your parents as abusers. They ‘re your parents, why would they do that to you, and now you’re realising that their approach was abusive.

That sounds pretty horrific to me and not at all recognisable as a normal childhood. My parents made mistakes and were probably too strict, but not that.

The only one on that list I wouldn’t consider abusive is calling a child self centered - it’s shit but many will have told their child off for selfishness without any abuse being present

The rest is abuse, at varying levels granted. However, it’s the fact that ALL of these things and more are on your list is what makes it particularly extreme. Maybe that’s what your therapist means?

Either way, labels aren’t particularly helpful here. I hope you find the help you need to move on from this