To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

[Greensl100]

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s.

Examples…

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)

calling child self centred

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction

pulling hair and smacking

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

Sounds like a mild version of my 70s and 80s childhood.

So it's definitely abuse.

Each of those things is abusive in isolation, and when you put the whole lot together and think of them as a whole, yes I'd say it was bordering on the extreme.

Certainly enough to cause extreme distress and long-term emotional damage.

Or maybe op is the parent from 90s?

Depending on the circumstances, not letting the child do their own laundry or cook for themselves is weird, and potentially unreasonable, but I wouldn't necessarily consider it abuse. I'm assuming the parent was willing to do the laundry and cooking.

Everything else on your list is pretty bad, though.

I experienced similar treatment from my parents, and would call this abuse. They never did truly terrible, read it in a newspaper stuff, but it completely damaged me regardless. And definitely is abuse.

Maybe you could tell your therapist about how the word “extreme” is difficult for you to hear? Were they trying to show you this level of abuse isn’t a normal childhood experience?
I never realised my own experiences were so different to most peoples, until I was an adult and started talking about it.

This is awfully sad @JustPinkFinch and I'm so sorry you went through this. I really hope your "this sounds standard" comment means you recognise your own experience of abuse in reflection of the OP's and not that you think your experience was normal too?

I have a toddler and when I think of anyone being cruel to a vulnerable little person who deserved love and safety it makes me want to sob and rip their heads off in equal measure.

I’m really sorry to hear you have experienced these things. I was in my late teens in the 90s. My parents were far from perfect and had their own issues but I have not experienced any of the things you mentioned. I guess in some ways you may be thinking that a line can be drawn between what you describe and certain types of extreme acts involving violence and leading to serious injury and death for example. But what you described are each acts of abuse that span a period of time and relate to different aspects of your life- physical assault to your person, destroying your possessions, effectively abandoning you for a week, belittling you, putting your heath at risk, controlling and restricting you in the family home and then making it clear you are excluded from the family home as an adult. Such acts (and you only gave examples) permeated both your internal and external life and would have had cumulative impact and might be described as extreme. I think you may have shut down emotionally during this time as a survival mechanism and now talking with your therapist and being told how badly you were treated can be a bit scary because it throws into question your sense reality. The word ‘victim’ might feel like it carries a connotation of being weak/vulnerable whereas you have been strong to get through it all. But it’s possible to be all these things at the same time . I say this coming from a place of realisation about certain things in my own childhood that were not normal but became so for me because it was my life. I hope you are ok and wish you well x

Do you have children OP? It took until I became a mother and looked at my beautiful DC to realise just how bad things were growing up. Previously I saw it as normal as it was my normal. I didn't realise I had CPTSD as a result of childhood abuse. It still affects me now but at least now I know where the blame lies.

Even one thing is bad. But you experience the whole list. I understand it's sad for you because I also denied my childhood abuse for years. I think it's a coping mechanism. But your therapist is not wrong. I am assuming you are in therapy because a lot of what happened in your childhood has impact on your today.

This thread is just going to come down to the OP's definition of "extreme" versus her therapist's. As such it seems to be just a sterile discussion of semantics.

Perhaps OP can look at the balance of the replies, which seem to be overwhelmingly "Yes, this is extreme", and take that back to a therapy session. For example, "You said I was the victim of extreme abuse, and a bunch of people I asked on social media seemed to think so too, but I really think it wasn't all that extreme. It's been bothering me. Why do you say 'extreme'?".

A good therapist will be able to turn that into a really interesting discussion (including considering her own use of language). It's therapy, you can say or ask literally anything you want.

Feeling sad seems to be like a perfectly normal reaction to slowly slowly realising that what you have normalised/ thought was normal is actually not normal, not okay, and that you have in fact been the victim of abuse , have been abused by your parents. Your parents who are supposed to be your source of safety and support as a child and teen.

so I would say it seems perfectly normal to feel sad.
I am so sorry all (or any) of this happened to you, and I hope you can continue to be supported by your therapist as you have lots of big feelings about this.

I can see why you’re upset, OP. We like to rose-tint our parents, I think, as there were many other times that my parents were awful to us children, but far more where they didn’t treat us badly.

Your list I can answer as follows:
No
Yes
Yes
No
Yes (smacking, not hair pulling - although the back of a hairbrush was used to smack)
No (was expected to take on household chores from age 7)
Yes (implied - never had to test it, but did have to give my house key back when I left

I don’t think of myself as abused, but don’t go to therapy. I would be more annoyed than anything, were I to go, and the therapist (who didn’t experience MY childhood) decided to label behaviour like this as in any way ‘extreme’ …

Ditto. My parents didn't do anything like this. Yes, the odd smack as a child (I can only recall once instance and it was a slap on the thigh) and my mother occasionally shouted at my father which I didn't like but I also didn't feel unsafe.

I just read the further updated from OP. I am sorry you had to experience abuse as a child.

I grew up on an extremely abusive home and that is abuse.

I was a teen in the 90s and had some similar things happen to me which I now realise are abusive. I didn’t realise it all at the time.

Being called a selfish bitch, trouble maker teen. I wasn’t really, I just stood my ground with an arse of a step dad.

Parent drank every night.

Being slapped once.

Being left at just 16, when the rest of the family went on holiday abroad. They were away when I got my gcse results . I preferred that to be honest.

Bought a dog my sister was very allergic too. To the point she had asthma and sore patches on her skin.

Being completely emotionally neglected. No one talked about anything.

My step dad needs were put first and he had an explosive temper. My mum was always angry.

None of which was probably outwardly noticed by many people, nice house plenty of money. It has definitely caused me huge issues throughout my life. I remember saying to my husband I wanted to stay close to my children as teens as I was never close to my mum. Then it dawned on me why I wasn’t close to her.
I have a friend who’s parents had drug dealers in the house all the time, her mum shut herself away for days on end, constant arguments and violence. Which was definitely extreme so I suppose it’s a scale. It’s definitely all abuse though.

Well it is abuse, and abuse of any level is never a good thing. None of those things happened in my childhood and I was brought up in a time more strict than the 90s - the 60s/70s.

If this was your childhood please don’t pass it on to your own kids because it’s not acceptable or healthy.

Would you allow a friend to treat you that way?
I doubt it. So yea it's bullying/abuse. The word extreme doesn't really matter as abuse is abuse.

Parenting in the 90's and before was stricter and harsher than today and I too am having therapy for trauma similar but not as bad as yours.

You may feel sad as it's all you knew and a child loves their parents so it's a tricky relationship and feeling to navigate. Do you have siblings that experienced the same? How is your relationship with your parents now?

I'm sorry you experienced what you did and I hope you find a way to move on from it as best as you can.

The only thing I think is abusive is the hair pulling.

I don't believe a single parent has done none of these things.

Obviously more extreme things happen, but yes I'd describe that as abusive.

But ultimately the exact label is less important than understanding if/how it still impacts you, and using that knowledge to have empathy for yourself and to help you heal.

I dont think that was uncommon behaviour back then actually. Lots of people were very volatile. I think saying you are a guest at home is emotionally abusive.

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom - terrible and not normal then or now

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country) - quite usual in the 90s if the child was mature and had emergency contacts near by

calling child self centred - I’d say normal in the 90s

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend - yup also normal in the 90s

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction - strange and borderline abusive.

pulling hair and smacking - smacking totally common in the 90s. Pulling hair though - strange and abusive.

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home - normal if teen is messy, dangerous, breaks things

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest - normal. Child was an adult and totally up to the parents whether they returned.

i don’t think any of them are extreme abusive. Some of them are abusive though - by today’s standards and the 90s standards.

I was left home alone at that age but that was because I wanted to be, so for me that isn't abuse in itself. We lived in a very safe little village where everybody knew everybody so I was absolutely fine and I had friends staying over the whole time.

Everything else on that list is definitely abusive, emotionally and physically.

Extreme abuse no.
Abuse yes.

I def experienced a couple but some the stuff on that list is wild.
Trashing a child's bedroom and hair pulling got a 😯
And
not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

these are NOT common by any stretch

My emotionally immature mother would have no hesitation calling me self centered.

Why was your room trashed? What caused that reaction? I'm not blaming you but did something extreme trigger it?