Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Except the OP did clarify (at 14.34pm) that she had been asked to read a specific prayer.

I know people don't always have time to read every post in a longer thread, but if you are commenting on P10 of a thread, it does make sense to at least have read the OP's posts.

I assumed that this was a reference to old school hymns like All things Bright & Beautiful and When a Knight won his spurs etc

Yessss she did ... I read that ... There's nothing in the OPs posts to suggest that the prayer the OP has been given isn't similar to my examples though? Nothing at all.

And the fact that there are multiple prayers given out, time wise it'll very likely that I'm not miles from the mark.

A prayer and a reading are different, readings are likely to be longer

I’ve attended plenty of weddings in various religious settings - CofE, Catholic, Muslim and Sikh.
I’ll always be respectful of the environment and the religious rituals happening without involving myself in them if that makes any sense?
The Muslim wedding, of course I wore a hijab and removed my shoes, but didn’t take part in prayers - just watched it all.
I’d do the same at the wedding you’re attending 🤷🏻‍♀️ If they are insisting everyone offer their own personal prayer, could you instead offer up personal well wishes for the couple and their marriage rather than a prayer?

Well this! Surely true atheism would be behaving and feeling the same in a church wedding as in a civil wedding.

If you were asked to sing Golden and quote Huntrix at a kpop themed wedding you would take it in the sentiment it was meant: to join in and celebrate the couple in their own way/style

But OP cannot do that at a Christian wedding? Because "atheism"?

Nah. OP cannot like this couple..

I ll always mouth it without meaning it. That way I both respect the people (my grandmother, my cousins etc) and myself (as I dont mean it). Think of it as being respectful for others you dont have to mean it for yourself.
for reason i wont go into i was once invited to a garden party at buckingham palace (along with thousand others) and i was very respectful even though i am a republican first and foremost. Just dont disgrace yourself or anyone else. No big deal.

and there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids to be respectful of other people faith or non faith. It s a very important thing to learn.

There is famously no difference whatsoever between systems of religious observance, religion, and the impact it has on people's lives, and the entirely ignorable phenomenon of Kpop.

What an entirely facile comparison.

Surely true atheism would be behaving and feeling the same in a church wedding as in a civil wedding

You are correct in one respect. Atheists wouldn't be singing religious hymns or reciting religious passages at a civil wedding, so...

I happily go to religious weddings and sing the hymns - it's not like you have to believe in the lyrics to sing a song, and that's all hymns are, just songs. And I respect things like dress codes for religious buildings, because I'm a guest and it's polite to respect one's hosts.

I would absolutely not be agreeing to offer up an individual prayer, though, and I think it's offensive to try to force people to practise a religion they don't follow. I've been to weddings where blessings were offered to guests by the priest - but they were offered for those who wanted them, not forced upon anyone. There was no expectation that non-Christians should go up for a blessing.

Of course there is.
It is a prayer. In a Church.
The default is what everybody apart from you understand a prayer to be.

It's not a declaration of devotion to celebrate the couple, it's only a recognition of THEIR devotion, not of their guests

But it's clearly a part of their lives, and as such a big part of their wedding

By going and joining in all you're saying is "I see that this is important to YOU, and as such, I happily join your celebration"

It's not a covert conversion! She's not going to be signing allegence in blood by singing their happy song with them!

If the OP LIKES the couple at all they'll appreciate that this is just something that's "them", and go along and support them!

The OP's difficulties seem to be all of her own making. What is so hard about saying 'Hi [relative], I can't read a prayer I'm afraid, as that would be hypocritical of me as a non-believer. Let me know if there is any secular reading I could contribute; otherwise I will just silently offer you my very best wishes.'
I can't think of any Christian that I know who would find that remotely difficult to hear.

Exactly.

It doesn’t matter to the Court which book or affirmation the person uses. What does matter is when they swear or affirm and then proceed to tell a bundle of lies.

So why is OP compelled to participate in order to show support. Surely attendance is in itself showing support?

I've been in this situation myself, and simply stood in silence while those who wanted to join in sung their hymns. It would be a bit odd then, if I was escorted out of the ceremony for "not showing support" because I refuse to sing religious hymns.

If it didn't want to "show support", I'd have declined the invite, and if I really wanted to show contempt, I could just not reply to the invitation at all. But I didn't, I went along, showed support, but exercised my perfectly reasonable right not to participate in the religious parts.

And?

It's JUST a prayer!

It's not a sacriment

It's not a declaration of faith unless the OP has been asked to recite the Nicene Creed or something, which is extremely unlikely.

Not every act in a church is as deep as the next, some acts ARE deeply sacred, others, not so much

"We pray for the health of the happy couple" means exactly that and only that. It isn't a secret handshake of initiation

Oh why get up and dance at the reception if you're not a dancer?
Why have a bite of cake and go "mmmm yummy" even if cake isn't your thing
Why gush about dresses if you're not a dress person?

Why join the couple in celebrating at all???

Good question for the OP tbh!

What makes you so sure your views are being disregarded? And what leads you to believe your religious views need to be considered as part of their religious ceremony. ?
I’m also atheist, I really think you are over thinking this and making it about you.

The groom is hardly going to be eye balling the entire congregation checking who is singing, or did you expect the invite to say ‘ request for prayers and singing not applicable to Aunty Jean, the atheists’ and as for saying an individual ‘blessing’ easily done without referencing God or religion.

Stroppy attendance never looks like support

And we've established that the OP isn't after a go under the radar on this issue solution

Why indeed.

Why join the couple in celebrating at all???

Because there is usually a piss-up after the ceremony guff is out of the way. Probably a free meal into the bargain.

Yeah, that would be a hard pass from me. Other people being religious is fine, wanting to shove that down your throat however, they can do one.

OP, I’m surprised, if your family member knows your views that they have asked you to read an obviously Christian prayer. I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think I would find something as close as possible in sentiment but non-religious and offer to read it. If they can’t agree to that then I would respectfully decline to do a reading. Respect must go both ways. There was an analogy earlier about vegetarianism, surely if you were a vegetarian they wouldn’t ask you to eat meat for them ?

Hi OP, I’m surprised they’ve asked you to do a religious reading when you’re not religious. That feels odd to me and not positive for anyone (believers on non). I am not religious but I respect religious practices (where they don’t infringe on other people’s liberties) and I’d gladly participate in a religious ceremony but I wouldn’t lead a prayer, that would be inappropriate in my view because it would be making a mockery of people who genuinely believe.

Im Catholic. I would do psalm reading for a couple. I wouldnt be offering my spoken aloud prayer for them

And im not sure why the bride and groom wouldnt just give reflection time and ask people to include them in their prayers and/or thoughts

Are you religious? I assume you are because you seem invested in this thread but your attitude to religious practices seems odd to be honest. Is feigning religion like making polite conversation about someone’s dress? I thought it was more significant than that, for those who believe in the existence of God.

This is what confuses me to be honest. I wouldn’t lead a prayer in a church as a non religious person, it just seems… rude.