Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

There's nothing fake about meaning the sentiment of a prayer, just because you mean it direct from you to them, rather than via god?

There's zero difference between praying for someone to get better and
a hearfelt wishing for them to get well soon.

At no point did I suggest not meaning it, I just suggested maybe the OP doesn't in fact mean the sentiment and that's the real problem.

Are you religious?

My children and I don’t sing religious songs at Christmas. Not our holiday. I gave them the choice about the nativity and they participated but not as the religious characters - one was a sheep and one a tree I think? They politely listened to the songs that aren’t for us as it’s always fun to experience new things, but no - we wouldn’t sing along.

It would be super uncomfortable for me if my husband joined in on our Shabbat prayers or sang along in synagogue. He doesn’t believe it, he doesn’t have a connection to it and it’s not his thing.

Plenty of people can attend a religious event without participating in it. I respect everyone’s traditions and love seeing them, and am always happy to learn more, but I think it’s disrespectful to lie.

Can you say you are happy to sing but are not able to offer prayers. Can offer hopes for their future if desired or not take part in that bit.

There are relatives in my family that are religious and when a huge life event happens I get an invite and I sit quietly listening. Not only because I'm an atheist but I am quite shy and introverted, and there would be a lot of people there I don't know.

If I was asked to read a prayer in front of a congregation I would be more worried about stage fright than if my beliefs align with the text! Thankfully I doubt if any of my relatives would propose such a thing.

You're an actor so your very job is saying a load of words out loud in public that aren't actually true.
Plus you're an atheist so you don't believe that saying or singing any particular set of magic words makes them true.
On the other hand those particular words are much more meaningful to the groom. Why not just tell the groom you'd be happy to read the words and join in the songs but remind him you'll be acting when you do it because you don't believe in it yourself?
If he's happy to go along with that compromise then why wouldn't you be? It doesn't mean anything, after all.

Attend and be respectful but no need to join in surely.

You obviously shouldn't be saying a prayer though!

If he knows you are not religious he isn’t going to expect you to pray out loud!! And nobody is going to check if you are singing. Just stand up and sit down with everyone else and you’ll be fine.

@Littledogball close family have each been asked to read a prayer out, it’s not just the normal congregation prayers which you can avoid saying

I would just find a lovely poem or something and read that out.

No one is going to notice that you aren't singing or praying. I just stand and maintain a dignified silence at these events whilst thinking good wishes for the people celebrating.

Thanks all. I have spoken to him and explained my discomfort and offered to read something else. He - not unlike some on this thread - has said he thinks I’m being unreasonable and he doesn’t want a non-religious reading, so we’ve agreed that a cousin will do the prayer instead. I shall occupy my usual position at the back.

A little uncomfortable, but all sorted now and no doubt water under the bridge by the weddings.

Problem solved! Glad to hear that.

He's a strange kind of a Christian if he wants someone to say a prayer when they don't believe in it. If someone were praying for me, I'd like it to be sincere.

Not your place to make any sort of stand, disagree publicly, make any kind of fuss at all. Just not your place.

As you feel so strongly, you have only one option. Don't go.

Did they specify which god they want you to pray too...there are 100's

Sorry I see you got it sorted

Totally OPs place to decide whether she wants to do something or not. She decided not.

And she has two options. Go or don't go .

I don't think I like your brand of .... Christianity is it? Or something more sinister....?

Yes, I agree with this. He doesn't want your best wishes unless they're Christian-filtered
Oh well.

He's giving people with faith a bad name with his petulant attitude. Not very Christian.

You are not being unreasonable. If they were Sikh, they wouldn't just expect you to be Sikh for the service, would they?

Why do Christians think that everyone British has Christianity in them? Surely there's more to true faith than going along with what's happening.

I've been to a Christian wedding before and orthodox Jews took their children out for the communion bit. The host cannot be God, you see. It's blasphemy. You should do what you think it's best for you and be like a tourist - never mind their expectations.

You and your family member sound like two different sides of the same coin. You both have your principled lines drawn in the sand, so I hope each can let it be and all goes well at the wedding. Hopefully, there's wine and dancing, which tends to melt tensions.

I think this is a great way to see religion in action but not be “part of” the religion and therefore is a great teaching moment for any children.

i was baptised and was brought up Catholic, but am atheist now and have been since I was about 18.

Ive been in an Urdu wedding, Christian weddings and a traveller wedding (wow!) and it really gives you an incite to “behind closed doors”.

Id explain to the children before you go that they can believe whatever they want, however you are going for support/enjoy a family wedding and not for religious aspect of it.

You and I are in about the same place on the Piety Scale. I'll go to a bog-standard CofE wedding and mumble; I've even done a full-on Catholic mass for a good friend, and a "grand" Jewish wedding (in Venice) that seemed to last for about three hours.

But asking me, individually, to offer personal prayers aloud would be a dealbreaker. For a close family member, I would hope to have a conversation saying you are putting me in an impossible position, and if you insist on this I simply cannot attend. I am not going to be moved by any arguments on this: it's your call whether I come or not.

This. Be kind, it means nothing to you but a lot to him