Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

I agree with your second two sentences. The first one I don’t - I mean I could do it and it wouldn’t mean anything of course, but the fact is that it matters to other people so being blithe about it feels like a piss take if you see what I mean?

The most likely conclusion is it's just a prayer of well wishing to the couple which does not require the readers to be members of the faith to say, hence everyone being asked to do so

You can't just rock up to a church and join in sacred sacraments, there's qualifiers!

But anyone CAN read a generic prayer

I refer you to the fact it makes stuff all difference to the court.

Yet the first definition includes religious ceremony which is the context OP will be in. Why are we attempting to ignore that definition?

to speak to a god either privately or in a religious ceremony in order to express love, admiration, or thanks or in order to ask for something

But (whispers) how would they know ?

I’m not going to say the prayer because, contrary to the fevered speculation, I don’t want to upset the relative or have the wedding scuttlebutt be all about my MN thread. But it goes along the lines of “We ask god to…” and then onwards.

Frankly, it shouldn’t matter. I am being asked to participate in a ritual which validates a viewpoint I don’t share. The purpose of the thread was (and I say it again) to see if my vaguely defined discomfort was reasonable.

Despite some very shouty opinions and character assassination - I don’t think we know each other, but if we do I’ll defs leave you to it in the pub - it seems lots of people of all faiths and none don’t think I’m unreasonable.

I'm an atheist and I don't join in mumbo-jumbo. Why is it ok for the religious people to 'make a fuss' about people joining in, especially if they know they don't believe? If only more people didn't join in religious practices, just for the sake of it or otherwise, maybe the world would be a better place.

So say it meaning the second definition, unless they don't mean it at all

You know, you can say things in churches like "is this seat taken" and "what a beautiful baby". The church goers do not weight all words uttered in a church equally, it's not like the OP would be taking a sacriment without faith!

Do you join in when the song is "Happy Birthday"?

It's just celebrating! It's a wedding!

Go to no weddings if you think it's crazy to be asked to join the festivities

Why should OP have to say it if she doesn't want to? She can just politely decline and that's that.

I've never used pray like the second definition.

@LillyPJ I don’t have any faith but do you have to be so rude? Some people believe what they say and belittling them isn’t helpful to anyone, including society. Try being a bit more tolerant.

Parents tell their children a magical man drives a flying sleigh with flying reindeer and delivers them presents by coming down the chimney. They keep up this facade as long as they can and are upset when they no longer believe.

Easter bunny and tooth fairy too.

Happy Birthday isn't religious! It's easy to celebrate all sorts of things without religion. I don't think it's necessary or kind to ask people to do things which go against their beliefs.

But clearly it makes a difference (or is thought to) to the jurors, otherwise they wouldn't bother.

Christmas is religious in origin. How.many of you refuse to go to your child's nativity play on principle or sing carols with them at such events.

Quite...

Clearly, in this instance, it's isn't "just" a wedding or a celebration, it's also a religious ceremony.

Most people seem to take a "live, and let live" approach, both those who have a faith and those who do not alike, but if you are going to truly apply that ethos equitably and fairly, then that also means religious people have to respect the right of the non-religious to opt out of participating in religious ceremonies, including religious wedding ceremonies.

Non-participation still respects the right of others to celebrate/participate and do whatever they want, I just wish it was applied unequivocally and religious people stopped expecting the non-religious to oblige them on the premise "what harm could it do if you don't believe anyway?". It's still compelled participation.

Well, now the OP has clarified that 'it goes along the lines of “We ask god to…” , so is definitely Christian-god-based.

I don't celebrate Christmas. As an atheist, why would I?

It's reasonable to the extent that your beliefs are yours and you are entitled to them.

It's unreasonable, though, to voluntarily attend a 'devout Christian' wedding and feel uncomfortable when the devout Christians do what they do without consulting you, or any other non-believers, first.

If I were you, and it bothered me to this extent, I'd just not go or I would not read the card placed in front of me and just smile politely or do whatever to not draw attention to yourself in a way that would be offensive to those getting married in their chosen venue.

I would ask if you could do a reading instead

Children are still very much learning about the world around them and the fact that different people have different religions. Some nativity's are also very.....different to the traditional story now. My nephew's barely resembled the original story.

Learning through role playing is crucial for children.

It would be very different to an adult asking me to take part in a religious ceremony knowing I'm an atheist.

They wouldn’t, but I would.

That (whispers) actually made me giggle!

Fellow non-believer here - though I bloody love a good hymn or a god-bothering country song (The Old Rugged Cross being a HUGE favourite) and would definitely enjoy the singing bit. Praying: nope, no and hell nah. This smacks of control. Which is, let's face it, what organized religion is all about.

Always an excuse and a way to twist the narrative to suit you.

Never have any of you ever had your child in the nativity, play and go and watch it
Never have any of you ever sung away in a manger or oh little town of bethlehem or once in royal david city with your children at a school or other event?

Hypocrite

Same! I appreciate the day off work, but that’s about it. No tree, no decorations. Had Chinese takeaway for ‘Christmas dinner’ last year…