To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

[Bearlionfalcon]

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else ?

I think you were really cheeky approaching this woman in a cafe and asking her to put headphones on - It’s a cafe not your personal office space! if you don’t like the noise then the onus is on you to find somewhere else to work.

I’m in 2 minds about it. Whilst it is a bit antisocial to have TikTok noise blaring, a cafe isn’t a quiet area at all. People chatting, kids making a bit of noise etc. I’m not sure why you think the cafe should be your quiet workspace. Yes you buy enough food/drink to have reasonable use of the table, but you can’t command what is going on at other tables.

There are two things I'd think about doing, given you can't speak to the staff.

First, I'd maybe write an online review praising the coffee and friendliness of staff, but noting that staff don't stop people listening to loud Tik Toks without head phones, which means it's not a suitable place for working, or quiet conversations. That might prompt the owner/manager to ask the staff to intervene, if they think it's impacting takings. (Also, with questions like that, I bet the staff would love them to go elsewhere).

Other thing, which I think other people have already suggested, would be to fight fire with fire, and enlist a thick skinned friend to sit near their usual seats and play reels even louder than they do!

You are definitely NBU though, and as an older person, I hate it when people claim you're only picking on them because of their age.

It's actually harmful to wear noise cancelling equipment all the time as it can make the user more sensitive to noise, increases feelings of isolation and detachment and can even exacerbate dementia. It's healthy to be exposed to reasonable background sounds, but harsh sounds or irritating music increase stress hormones.

People who play TikTok etc. with no earbuds or headphones need taking round the back of the sheds and tipping into a refuse bin. Only the dimmest people think it's okay to inflict their music or videos on others in this crowded island.

YANBU, I'd speak to the staff about it, if they know it's bothering other customers they're more likely to ask her to stop. It sounds like she'll be difficult about it regardless of who's asking. I think it's entitled behaviour to play music/watch videos in a public space.

I own a shop and every week I have to ask the same person to turn his music off when he comes to the counter, as the tinny sound bothers my hearing and I expect annoys some other customers as well. He has music blaring out of his headphones and every other word is him asking us to repeat something as he can't hear us for his loud music. Drives me bonkers and half the time I end up getting tinnitus later on in the evening.

@smallglassbottle so well put, thank you

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else ?

Yes. in real life no one likes listening to other people's phones blaring out music or videos etc.

How often do you venture out into the real world?

It’s a bit like performance parenting (or any other thing that brings attention). I don’t believe the majority of these people are so obtuse to other people’s annoyance/irritation.

If you hadn't said you were working, I think you would have more support on this thread.
I am totally with you but I would have spoken to staff first and asked if they had a policy on loud phone noise.
It's surprising how many people (on this thread) can't tell the difference between cafe chat and a phone, maybe those people use their phone in public without headphones or maybe they can just filter out all noise.

A pub I go to ask people to step outside if they are using their phone, they don't mind at all if people chat and laugh among themselves.

Where the OP chooses to work is another issue as the device noise would have been equally irritating were she working or relaxing. She didn’t say she doesn’t like noise (I’m sure she expects noise). She said she objects to device noise. Device noise is tinny, intrusive and hard for the brain to filter out. It was shocking of this other woman to think it was ok to subject everyone in the cafe to her device noise.

Hmm I feel mixed on this. If you were there just having a coffee, would you have complained? Or is it only because you are working? I think it's unreasonably for you to to ask for them to be quieter so that you can work/concentrate as lots a cafe not a workspace. If it was bad enough that you would have complained regardless then that's ok I think.

She is really annoying clearly but she nor the staff won't change anything. You have two options as this isn't going to change and they are either find another coffee shop or you wear headphones just while she is in there. Shouldn't have to but not really much choice.

I think you're both being unreasonable, the lady for having her phone on too loud but also you, because a cafe is a social space not a workplace even if they allow you to work in it as you're a good regular customer, it's still a public social space. If it's upsetting your work environment you can either ask the staff to step in , wear noise cancelling headphones yourself or work somewhere else.

I have two teenagers so I am very familiar with the sound... it's all noise, easiest thing is just to put on some noise cancelling headphone then were are no distractions.

@User415373 definitely would have asked her either way, the noise was ridiculous - only caveat being that maybe the fact I was working meant I was sat there long enough to bother to raise it.
I had noticed her a few times before and never said anything but this time I saw a few other people giving her looks of disbelief also so I though you know what this is just ridiculous I’ll just say something politely to her. But of course none of them rode to my rescue 🤣

Anyway, it’s been interesting! Am heartened that most people do think the lady was unreasonable. Even if I was also EXTREMELY unreasonable in the way I chose to write my OP 🙄 🤣

But if you're struggling to work there, it's not a well-suited environment, is it? I work from home too and I'm extremely noise sensitive so I wouldn't dream of working in a public space. I'd be sitting giving everyone evils 😁
As annoying as people can be playing things on their phone loudly, I think you were in the wrong more than she was. Its not an office, but you were trying to use it as such. You seemed to handle it politely enough but I can see why they were miffed.
You could consider noise cancelling headphones if you want to continue working there though. I find them very effective.

Let me get this straight. You treat a coffee shop like your own personal remote working space which you feel is fine for you to do as long as you buy breakfast there, you expect other customers to keep quiet and do as you say and not to play videos on their phones without headphones …… but YOU can’t believe the level of entitlement? 😂

YANBU.
Some months ago DH and I treated ourselves to lunch out in a small, local Italian. There was a couple, mid 50-ish, so similar age to us, both scrolling through very loud, disjointed, random music clips/videos etc. as they ate.

It was massively irritating and antisocial imo.

Also, wtf is wrong with some people that they can't put their phone down for 30 minutes to enjoy lunch ?

I’m amazed at the number of people who are OK with this; conversation is one thing, watching TikTok’s (mostly designed to be attention grabbing so hard to ignore) is something else entirely. Sounds like they are both utterly inconsiderate and rude. I’d be looking for another cafe to be honest; and I might let the staff know the reason before you go.

I teach teenagers. I'm well used to noise. But I would support a law to ban music from mobile phones without headphones. Great, you're enjoying scrolling through a million shite reels. But so is that person... and that person and now there's a whole load of competing sounds clashing, before being abruptly switched.

I wonder what would happen if I decided to sing loudly, whilst scrolling through my phone.

But so so many people do.

I've seen people of all ages watching tv shows, tik toks, instagram all with audio blaring and in public spaces. It's insane and when I rule the world will be punishable by death (after one warning - I'm fair) ...

I've approached people to ask them not to with varying degrees of success / hostility in reply. Public transport, cafes, restaurants, hotels need to operate a no phone / tablet audio policy. People who can't tell the different between this and normal conversation and public space noise are selfish brainless idiots. Any kind of looped audio is the worst, but basically any sound coming out of someone's phone - be it their mate on speaker facetime, Netflix or music is the height of rudeness IMO.

YANBU. Some people have zero consideration for others. I understand she might not want to be using headphones, but in that case she shouldn’t be watching loud videos on her phone. I went to a cafe this week. A friend was showing me holiday photos on her phone, scrolling through quickly as she had lots. One of them was a short video and as soon as she realised it was a video of her children with sound (laughing and calling out in a pool), she looked mortified, paused it and mumbled a general sorry to the people around us. Surely that’s how most normal people would behave?

Choose a time when these people aren’t there and make a comment to the staff. I doubt they’re as friendly with this couple as the couple seem to think! It doesn’t have to be personal. They could put a polite sign on the wall/door/menu to ask people not to play music, etc, on their phones. I’d also add taking Zoom or Teams calls, as I once had a lovely brunch ruined by a woman sitting at her laptop in a cafe bellowing to her colleagues on Zoom/Teams. I thought at first maybe she’d had to answer an urgent call, and was hoping she’d wind it up quickly, but no, she sat there repeatedly calling colleagues. From what she said (and I could hear every word, including names), she was in the social or care sector, so it was wholly inappropriate professionally, as well as annoying.

It's also not the woman's personal space to make as much noise as she wants

I would speak to the staff. It's very rude and intrusive

Her age is irrelavent. It's a growing problem. I'm really struggling with this kind of nuisance noise on public transport. This behaviour is so rarely challenged that, when you do challenge it, people act like you're the problem. I think that we all need to start calling it out all the time. If people are asked 10 times a day to use headphones or turn the volume off, maybe then they will realise how many people they are disturbing.