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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
Flossflower · 07/08/2025 10:53

As a woman in her early 70s, YANBU. I would have asked them to be quiet too and not been so polite about it.
However, I get fed up with people in cafes on their lap tops who then suddenly need to make a loud phone call.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:53

@RedRiverShore5 i can’t work at home as have young children who are there in the day.

OP posts:
thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 10:53

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:52

@Hodgemollar @TeeBee @RedRiverShore5 as I’ve said a few times, I definitely don’t think a cafe should be quiet just because I choose to work there and I would find it equally anti-social if someone decided to make loud work / zoom calls with no headphones in a cafe for example. My work only involves typing on a laptop, no calls or noise of any kind. I do pay to rent a co working space actually (I have done this since my local library closed) but I sometimes like a change of scene and some food, so I go to this cafe as it’s well suited to working on a laptop - it’s large with lots of small tables and lots of people doing the same as me so I don’t take up space others might want or get in the way. I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate to use a laptop to work in every single cafe especially a smaller place where space is at a premium.

It’s possible that I’m overthinking this whole thing of course and that others are simply not as sensitive to phone / electronic noise as I seem to be!

I think you’ve been incredibly fair and patient @Bearlionfalcon , particularly on this thread!

Tauranga · 07/08/2025 10:54

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2025 10:16

I’ve said YABU because you’re going on about her possible age, financial position and social status. All of those things are totally irrelevant.
Just take your own headphones!

This!!
What has her wealth got to do with it, ( which you have no idea about, btw)
Also you then inferred her husband was a racist ( where do you originally come from?)

Also, I severely doubt you would approach a massive bloke.

I agree what she is doing is annoying but you are in a cafe, not a library.

dimsiaradcymraeg · 07/08/2025 10:54

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! This type of behaviour is totally antisocial but seems to be so common now. Kids on iPads, people listening to music/ social media posts without headphones and chatting via speaker. Well don’t for speaking up!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/08/2025 10:54

The staff should ask her to desist. But if, as you say, there’s always plenty of space, I dare say they don’t want to annoy a regular customer.,

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:55

@Flossflower thank you and I’m definitely with you on loud zoom calls with no headphones being just as annoying, people on laptops in cafes can also be very inconsiderate, I personally also find it really weird that anyone would want to hold a work zoom call in a cafe!

OP posts:
Renamed · 07/08/2025 10:55

I’m amazed that other people in the cafe didn’t chime in to support you. Someone watching videos out loud is incredibly anti social, and the cafe should not allow it

MagnificentBastard · 07/08/2025 10:55

Anyone that subjects others to this is a moron. I call them out every single time. And that includes idiot parents that prop a phone or iPad in front of their child without headphones.

Beachtastic · 07/08/2025 10:55

Really annoying and you'd hope the staff would sort it out, but I just cannot imagine trying to work on a laptop in a cafe. There's always going to be annoying distractions in the background.

This website might help you locate somewhere more suitable
https://laptopfriendly.co/cities

LaptopFriendly

Crowdsourced work and study-friendly cafes, restaurants, and hotel lobbies around the world.

https://laptopfriendly.co/cities

Easipeelerie · 07/08/2025 10:56

The issue is that device noise can’t be filtered out in the same way regular noise can. It’s intolerable and I would have gone and asked her to do the same.

SapphireSeptember · 07/08/2025 10:56

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 10:36

This thread is going a very different way to all the threads about kids watching Peppa Pig without headphones.

I'd noticed that too, or teenagers being loud.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 10:56

@Bearlionfalcon YANBU OP. My DH and I came back from holiday recently and in the crowded airport cafe in Madeira a young woman came and sat at the table behind me and proceeded to doom-scroll through countless Tik-Tok videos at full volume. How can these people be so blissfully ignorant of the impact their poor behaviour has on others, but even more so when it's pointed out to them (politely) and they double-down on it?! 🙄
I remember years ago, on a training course in Switzerland, a colleague and I were catching the train back to Zurich - we hopped on with our cases at Zug into a carriage that was entirely empty save an older woman sitting quietly reading a book. We were animatedly discussing the course for about 15 minutes when this woman came over and pointed out the "Quiet Carriage" stickers on the window - I could have died of embarrassment! We meekly apologised and at the next stop we got off the train and then rejoined it in a carriage that wasn't designated as quiet. To this day I get hot at the thought of this woman's no-doubt increasing annoyance at our chatter, so I will never understand people who respond in such a selfish, arrogant way when politely asked to behave more reasonably in public. Good for you for saying something - and I'm sorry she didn't have the humility to simply apologise and put her phone on mute.

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 10:56

Her behaviour is a bit anti social, having said that I wouldn't expect a cafe to be quiet it's not a library..

Get some noise cancelling headphone will solve the problem...

CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 07/08/2025 10:57

Well done for saying something. Hold your head high that you tried.

AbzMoz · 07/08/2025 10:58

I’d ring up my own mother and have a really loud and pointed conversation about how sad it is that there’s a couple at the cafe you’re in, and the lady is so poor she can’t afford headphones, and how her husband is so dull she can’t have a conversation with him. I might remind my mother that it’s not polite to ask where someone is from too…

BernardButlersBra · 07/08/2025 10:58

It's rude and antisocial. Instinct tells me she thinks her age gives her a pass -it doesn't

Neverplayleapfrogwithmrpipes · 07/08/2025 10:58

My mum does this on Facebook shorts while we are watching TV it drives me nuts

nomoreshite · 07/08/2025 10:59

That is really fucking annoying. Too many people are doing this these days - on trains, buses, in cafes, walking down the street, on top of a fucking mountain (actual example from a couple of months ago).

On the other hand, a cafe is not a workspace.

EdithStourton · 07/08/2025 11:00

Astrabees · 07/08/2025 10:26

If this is the case why did you find by it necessary to cite her age in your post title? Age is a protected characteristic and I very much doubt if you would have quoted race or disability in this way. Casual ageism is very damaging to society, whether it relates to older people or younger ones. As I said before she is being very unreasonable in her conduct but it is a cafe and you could equally find the local toddler group or a group of people having a noisy meet up next to you. If you need a quiet place to work is there a library that might be better? Our local college have a business hub where you can work for free, there are all sorts of other options if you don’t like it.

Oh Jeez. Lay off.
OP has clarified why she raised the woman's age - because her husband appeared to.

OP, I'm with you. I detest people who inflict their noise on others - people who leave the pub shouting their heads off and shrieking, or rev their motorbikes on residential streets just for the LOLs, or play TikToks on the train. It's bloody rude and inconsiderate.

If I walked into a cafe for a drink and a chat with a mate, with zero intention of working, and someone was playing TikTok at full volume, I'd probably walk out and go somewhere else.

doodleschnoodle · 07/08/2025 11:00

YANBU, it’s so rude and totally different to people talking and interacting with each other in a social setting. No one should be playing stuff loudly on their phone in cafes, trains, anywhere where other people have to listen to it. Human to human interaction is one thing, human to screen and including everyone else in it unwillingly is another entirely. Good for you having the balls to say something.

Easipeelerie · 07/08/2025 11:01

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 10:56

Her behaviour is a bit anti social, having said that I wouldn't expect a cafe to be quiet it's not a library..

Get some noise cancelling headphone will solve the problem...

Edited

She wasn’t objecting to the noise level. Normal hubbub is fine. She was objecting to device noise which is tinny and hard for the brain to filter out.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 11:02

@Beachtastic thanks so much for posting that resource, I’ll definitely check it out!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/08/2025 11:02

OP, don't waste your time trying to justify yourself to people who think this behaviour is in any way acceptable. It isn't.

I understood the age reference in the context of the husband's response.

I wonder what this pair would do if someone sat next to them doing the same thing? Recommend speaking to the manager. It's really basic common courtesy.

Neverplayleapfrogwithmrpipes · 07/08/2025 11:02
Brainrot GIF

On The other end of the spectrum we went for a lovely meal recently and a 6 year old boy was at the end of a family table just scrolling through what my daughter called “Italian brain rot” about AI characters called ballerina cappuccina and Tsum Tsum Sahur!

I wanted to rip my ears off by the end. The whole family were on devices while eating so having a word wouldn’t have helped!