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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:35

@Bearlionfalcon the average user on this site seems to be 60 plus so they are highly sensitive to an age related criticism.

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2025 10:35

Maybe get your own noise cancelling headphones?

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 10:36

This thread is going a very different way to all the threads about kids watching Peppa Pig without headphones.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:37

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff because that's about younger people

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 10:38

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2025 10:35

Maybe get your own noise cancelling headphones?

Edited

She already said she likes the buzz of conversation, etc. She just doesn't, understandably, want to be deafened by loud TikTok videos. I'm sure other customers feel the same.

smallglassbottle · 07/08/2025 10:39

You should have sat down near her, fired up youtube and put on some Berlioz, Wagner or Rammstein and then stared her down.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 07/08/2025 10:40

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:15

I’m not ageist, sorry if I didn’t make this clear but her age is a factor because her husband implied I was victimising her in some way, and I assume he meant because of her age.
I’m guessing she is about the age of my mum, who would never behave like this!!!

You didn’t say anything ageist! You just gave as much context as possible ffs. If you hadn’t mentioned age someone would have asked you their age anyway! There’s some right cunts in here that just love arguing drives me mad.

MeadowMouse · 07/08/2025 10:41

The staff / management needs to stand up to her and put a stop to antisocial behaviour. They should do this with anyone who is disrespectful of other customers. Have a private word with them and make it clear that you won't keep coming if her behaviour continues, and suggest it is probably putting off other customers as well.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 07/08/2025 10:42

Your mistake was going directly to them instead of the staff.

I’d probably just stop going there and find the nearest library.

RedRiverShore5 · 07/08/2025 10:43

People that work in cafes and expect everyone else to be silent annoy me but I wouldn't state their age as its irrelevant

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:43

but I wouldn't state their age as its irrelevant

🤦🏻‍♀️

CurlewKate · 07/08/2025 10:44

Her age is immaterial.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:44

People that work in cafes and expect everyone else to be silent annoy me

What has happened to basic comprehension?

TeeBee · 07/08/2025 10:44

You're trying to work and concentrate in a cafe. Go and rent an office if you want quiet.

Radiatorvalves · 07/08/2025 10:44

I’d find that intensely irritating and I think I’d have done the same thing.

We were in our local curry house a while ago and a couple were having a loud FaceTime call. We could hear every word. After a while when they started discussing symptoms of some dreaded skin disease (pus/pustules/zits etc) I went over and asked them to end the call. They were taken aback, but apologised and said goodbye. Curry owner then thanked me. My kids died!! 😂

Hodgemollar · 07/08/2025 10:46

You are both unreasonable. The woman for playing things out loud on her phone and you thinking everyone else needs to act like a public cafe is your office.

Backtothebestbits · 07/08/2025 10:46

Sounds like the same woman I encountered on my train journey recently and I’m going to say that as a woman myself in my 50’s who would never inflict my noise on anyone else, I was shocked that somebody of the older generation would think it was ok. Her phone was blaring; tiktok and all sorts of other mindless crap and not a thought for anyone else. The problem is that I knew if I confronted here over it she would have reacted exactly the same as in your experience, because if they feel entitled enough to do it in the first place, they’re not going to be reasoned with and apologise 😄

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:47

@Overwhelmedandunderfed thank you for that, I genuinely was just trying to give context and paint a picture of the scene - I will know better than to do so in future….

Thanks for everyone who has replied though including those who think IABU as I have found it very interesting. I feel like this is something that happens all the time and no one actually says anything because we’re all too polite so it’s been fascinating hearing what everyone’s real thoughts are.

OP posts:
RedRiverShore5 · 07/08/2025 10:47

Work at home then you won't be annoyed by noise.

Ilovemyshed · 07/08/2025 10:48

Its getting worse and worse in public, people scrolling videos or taking calls on the train, cafes and walking along the street with their phone on loudspeaker.

Its basic politeness to keep noise levels so that other people can’t hear everything.

Does remind me of a recent train journey when someone was very loudly giving lots of private info out loud on a call, they were about 20 rows of seats away from me. I wrote it all down and just before we got off, I walked down the carriage said “hi Jane Smith” and gave them a piece of paper with their name, address, DOB, NI number, credit card number date and ccv code, and their mother’s maiden name and said be really careful, everyone on this carriage could hear all this. Madness.

OnlyTheBravest · 07/08/2025 10:49

OP, this is a massive, massive bug bear of mine. It has nothing to do with age as it is across the spectrum and I wish we could nip it in the bud but I do not see how.

Everywhere I go I have to listen to whatever someone else is listening to. Absolutely no idea why they will not wear headphones and it is appearing everywhere. In cafes, on public transport, just walking down the road. I have taken to wearing noise cancelling headphones but it shouldn't be my responsibility to block them out.

I would speak to the employees of the cafe and if no joy either try and avoid the loud couple or find a new cafe to work in.

Kaybee50 · 07/08/2025 10:49

I was in hospital recently for a few nights and shared a bay with a few women in their 70s. I was shocked at how they all made calls on loud speaker and watched things on their phones / tablets with no headphones! (Including in the middle of the night) with no consideration to anyone else. It drove me insane (on top of the sleep deprivation and pain!)
I would speak to the staff at the cafe and ask them to speak to her if it happens again.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:50

it’s been fascinating hearing what everyone’s real thoughts are.

It's not people's real thoughts, as pp said if you said it about a child's ipad you would have got very different responses.

Hippee · 07/08/2025 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's a completely different kind of sound to normal talking. We were in a cafe where a child was watching videos on a phone with the sound really loud and it was really annoying - and we were just having breakfast, not working.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:52

@Hodgemollar @TeeBee @RedRiverShore5 as I’ve said a few times, I definitely don’t think a cafe should be quiet just because I choose to work there and I would find it equally anti-social if someone decided to make loud work / zoom calls with no headphones in a cafe for example. My work only involves typing on a laptop, no calls or noise of any kind. I do pay to rent a co working space actually (I have done this since my local library closed) but I sometimes like a change of scene and some food, so I go to this cafe as it’s well suited to working on a laptop - it’s large with lots of small tables and lots of people doing the same as me so I don’t take up space others might want or get in the way. I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate to use a laptop to work in every single cafe especially a smaller place where space is at a premium.

It’s possible that I’m overthinking this whole thing of course and that others are simply not as sensitive to phone / electronic noise as I seem to be!

OP posts:
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