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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/08/2025 10:20

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:15

I’m not ageist, sorry if I didn’t make this clear but her age is a factor because her husband implied I was victimising her in some way, and I assume he meant because of her age.
I’m guessing she is about the age of my mum, who would never behave like this!!!

Her husband didn’t imply anything of the sort - you interpreted his comment that way.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:20

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff thats exactly my point! It’s not the same

LOL @waitingforpost

@RockStrangeNight its funny you should say that, I ordered a pie of loop earrings last night after this encounter! I agree it’s a sensible way forward but it does annoy me a bit that it’s incumbent on me to block out the noise of what I feel to be the anti-social person

OP posts:
porridgecake · 07/08/2025 10:20

My DD struggles with noise and she wears noise cancelling headphones most of the time, (except when she needs to hear), obviously. It is just easier. People are very inconsiderate these days.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:21

@Soontobe60 what do you think he meant? I can’t think of any other basis on which he would imply she was somehow an ‘easy target’ (for my polite question!!) … she wasn’t alone, she wasn’t frail in any way, she is female but so am I…. How else could it be interpreted?

OP posts:
W0tnow · 07/08/2025 10:22

I see why you’ve mentioned age and other factors in terms of wider context. Otherwise you’d be getting plenty of whataboutery. It’s maddening. And antisocial. And immature, regardless of age. I’m constantly surprised people do it. Judging by the amount of people I hear on their phones, plenty of mumsnetters must. How can they not find it embarrassing?

Purpleturtle45 · 07/08/2025 10:22

I agree, I think it's very rude. I asked a woman on a plane the other day to use headphones too (an overnight flight to make things worse!). She was like 'oh can you hear it?!' 🤦🏼‍♀️. Yes we can all hear it cause you aren't wearing headphones!

ConstitutionHill · 07/08/2025 10:22

You were not being unreasonable. It is true though, you, many people and myself included, will weigh it up, if it's safe to confront someone. Whether you realise it or not.

ginasevern · 07/08/2025 10:24

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 10:15

Yabu. You shouldn’t be working in noisy places and expecting quietness.

I was just about to point out the irony of this post. It's a cafe not a library or an office. Why has everyone got to be quiet because the OP is working and why can't she wear headphones herself.

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 10:25

Of course you can't expect quiet, but anyone making excessive noise is just rude. It impacts on others' conversations as well as people who may be trying to work.

I was in a cafe with my son the other day and we could barely hear ourselves speak for the noise of the group at the next table who were talking and laughing very loudly. People can't be expected to sit in silence or whisper, but there's a balance to be struck out of consideration for others using the space.

Treesarenotforeating · 07/08/2025 10:25

@user1492757084 why should the staff by headphones for inconsiderate customers
OP may have to find a better place to ‘work ‘

nomas · 07/08/2025 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's basic etiquette not to play sound from your phone loudly in public areas like cafes and restaurants and the tube. Have the signs passed you by?

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe
Astrabees · 07/08/2025 10:26

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:15

I’m not ageist, sorry if I didn’t make this clear but her age is a factor because her husband implied I was victimising her in some way, and I assume he meant because of her age.
I’m guessing she is about the age of my mum, who would never behave like this!!!

If this is the case why did you find by it necessary to cite her age in your post title? Age is a protected characteristic and I very much doubt if you would have quoted race or disability in this way. Casual ageism is very damaging to society, whether it relates to older people or younger ones. As I said before she is being very unreasonable in her conduct but it is a cafe and you could equally find the local toddler group or a group of people having a noisy meet up next to you. If you need a quiet place to work is there a library that might be better? Our local college have a business hub where you can work for free, there are all sorts of other options if you don’t like it.

Driftingawaynow · 07/08/2025 10:26

It’s always, always rude to inflict this kind of audio pollution on other people. Cafe or not, there’s no excuse.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:26

@MJ1980 I’m fine thanks 🤣 I hear you, but I really don’t expect anyone to tiptoe around me. As I’ve explained I like the noise of cafes, including the noise of kids, of conversations, whatever. I have no issue with noise other than phone noise including this couple and their loud conversations with staff which I think are fine but the fact that they take place verrrry loudly is the reason I know what sort of conversations occur!!

OP posts:
W0tnow · 07/08/2025 10:28

ginasevern · 07/08/2025 10:24

I was just about to point out the irony of this post. It's a cafe not a library or an office. Why has everyone got to be quiet because the OP is working and why can't she wear headphones herself.

Plenty of people work in cafes. Cafe background noises, music, conversation, clinking cutlery, etc is easily ignored. Tic Tok music can be really grating. Isn’t that obvious? Apparently not. 🤔

winzom · 07/08/2025 10:29

Any chance you could time your presence for when they usually leave 😊

I think I'd avoid them and work around their timetable TBH if I could. Do they stay there all day or what!

BubblyBath178 · 07/08/2025 10:29

It’s so irritating when people do this. Why do they think that people what to listen to their crap music/videos? I’m almost embarrassed for them 😂

SlipperyLizard · 07/08/2025 10:30

There’s a guy who often sits in one of our regular haunts (a v small pub) watching football on his phone with the volume up. It is extremely irritating, I did once see someone ask him to use headphones and he was very aggressive to them (he is also an older man, so I wouldn’t have expected the aggression).

If he starts after we’ve got there then we just have one & leave - but it must be irritating for the staff and as he’s a regular they must be able to say “sorry Tony can you turn it down or use headphones?” (no idea what his name is).

I’d be tempted to watch my own TikTok videos at the same time, see how they like it (would need a TikTok account first!).

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:30

@astrabees argh, I can see that I have not written this clearly enough. I cited her age in the title because my OP was basically asking whether her husband was right that I shouldn’t have gone over to a woman in her 70s and spoken to her about her behaviour in this way. I am honestly sure that he was implying I was picking on her because of her age. And, I wasn’t. I abhor people playing music on their phones out loud - there is no other issue, I’m really not that much younger than her anyway!!!

OP posts:
FullOfLemons · 07/08/2025 10:30

I don’t think you are putting staff in an awkward position

They probably hate it too and you are giving them an excuse to say something.

If they are familiar with the couple then they can address it in a non confrontational manner.

With a bit of luck the couple will take their custom elsewhere

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:31

Why has everyone got to be quiet because the OP is working and why can't she wear headphones herself.

Do you understand the difference between playing things through your phone and chatting to a friend?

RedRiverShore5 · 07/08/2025 10:32

There are a lot of people of all ages that don't wear headphones, YABU for thinking this was relevant.

NebulouslyContemporaneous · 07/08/2025 10:32

It's a cafe, not your office. I would have had some support for your expectation that she use headphones if you hadn't mentioned her age and also complained about their loud talking. Cafes are for talking. You can't object to that just because you don't want to pay for a co-working space.

Avoidhumans · 07/08/2025 10:33

I had this problem a few weeks ago on a train.
The girls phone was way to loud.
I moved 2 carriages down.

W0tnow · 07/08/2025 10:33

RedRiverShore5 · 07/08/2025 10:32

There are a lot of people of all ages that don't wear headphones, YABU for thinking this was relevant.

Once more for the people in the back, the op cited her age based on a (reasonable) assumption, off the back of her husband’s comment,