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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
LilacReader · 08/08/2025 16:18

I don't understand how anyone thinks we want to sit through their music/programmes/Tik Tok. I have just come back off a flight and the little darling behind me had her portable screen to watch an infants tv programme. Why couldn't they have given her headphones - instead, I had to listen to an episode of PAW Patrol or some such cartoon. Riveting!

dynamiccactus · 08/08/2025 16:25

TheignT · 08/08/2025 14:42

My worst was a young man, think he'd been drinking, who was addressing two soldiers sitting opposite him. He was loud and discussing his girlfriend, her attributes and what I can only call her party piece. It was years ago and I had my 12 year old son with me. He eventually stopped.

He was getting off at the same stop as me and was standing behind me when he started again. I said "for the love of God do we have to listen to this again?". He looked shocked and said "I think I've been told off ". I confirmed he had. He did go quiet.

Love it!

dynamiccactus · 08/08/2025 16:26

LilacReader · 08/08/2025 16:18

I don't understand how anyone thinks we want to sit through their music/programmes/Tik Tok. I have just come back off a flight and the little darling behind me had her portable screen to watch an infants tv programme. Why couldn't they have given her headphones - instead, I had to listen to an episode of PAW Patrol or some such cartoon. Riveting!

Again the cabin crew should be laying down the law and telling them to use headphones or get arrested at the other end. There's even less excuse for them to allow it on a plane. You can get up and leave a cafe, but you can't leave a plane. And the pilot's word is law, so if you are told to do something (or not) you do it (or not).

Renamed · 08/08/2025 16:32

Bearlionfalcon · 08/08/2025 13:19

For those who’ve enjoyed the thread just thought I’d post this update.
Went back to the cafe this morning - have been avoiding it but was hungry as missed breakfast so thought sod it - also, I had my new loop earplugs with me which someone on this thread suggested I buy, so thought how bad can it be!
The loud phone lady and her husband were not there, but there was a little ‘reserved’ sign on their usual table, so as I ordered I asked the member of staff ‘oh is that table reserved for the lady who likes to play things on her phone out loud?’
He laughed and clearly knew exactly who I meant and said ‘yes they come in every day and they ask us to reserve that table for them.’
I said ‘oh well, thanks for letting me know, I’ve brought ear plugs this time and I’ll sit as far away as possible!’
He just gave me a bit of an awkward smile and I went and sat down and plugged my earplugs in while I waited for my food.
I had my breakfast, then bumped into someone I knew but hadn’t seen for ages and had a bit of a chat and a coffee with them, then plugged my earplugs back in to do a bit of work for 20 mins.
Honestly no word of a lie, even with the earplugs in, I heard her before I saw her. She was there on her usual table with her husband, flicking through Tik Tok on her phone, zero fucks given. Even though I was right at the back of the cafe (don’t think she’d seen me) the Loop earphones were powerless against the onslaught. I sort of had to admire it.
I packed up and left, said goodbye to the staff member and he gave me an apologetic but ‘what can you do’ sort of face as I left.
I did notice that everyone else who was there had chosen to sit at the back like me - all the tables around Tik Tok lady were empty. Even though she sits right at the front in the nice bit by the window where most people would, I imagine, choose to sit. So maybe others feel the same about the Tik Tokking.
Needless to say, I’ll find another cafe!! Bonkers.

So she is basically piss marking her territory including all the tables around her, and this is why she is so unreasonably aggressive about it.
Could you recruit a phalanx of parents and toddlers to occupy the tables all around them. No devices of course but I expect they wouldn’t be needed. Wonder would she have the neck to say anything.

Bearlionfalcon · 08/08/2025 16:40

@Renamed it's bonkers isn't it?

It's perhaps slightly ridiculous of me but found myself feeling slightly annoyed that she and her anti social tik tokkery seem to have 'won'....

Rather than leave a bad review, which felt a bit unfair as the cafe is really nice apart from this woman, I have decided in the first instance to email the manager of the cafe as I noticed they do have a feedback email address.

I've explained the issue, including the disappointing response from the wet lettuce staff member (may not have used these exact words) and to ask if they'd consider putting in place any policy around device noise, asking customers who use electronic devices to do so with the sound turned down or with headphones.

Feels like a reasonable request?! Hopefully will get a better response

@LilacReader I totally agree, that's just not on. Also the fact it was Paw Patrol - one of the worst kids shows ever conceived of- makes it worse. Can't believe the cabin crew didn't say anything?!

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 08/08/2025 16:43

It's really ridiculous that the staff in the cafe let her do this and annoy other customers.
It's so rude and antisocial.

I work in hospitality and we have a sign on our front door saying volume must be off or headphones worn. I would have no problem telling her to stop.

You should leave a review and mention it.

Edited to say,

Sorry, I cross posted and have seen you've emailed the manager.
That's good, I hope you get a good response.

Quashsquash · 08/08/2025 16:52

I'm one thousand percent behind you all the way @Bearlionfalcon. Noise from TikTok, YouTube whatever is NOT the same as conversation and it IS anti-social and does wreck the aural environment for everyone else. Note I didn't mention 'peace and quiet', of course you can't expect that in public, but you were clear that you didn't mean that - you just meant you were annoyed by the horrible fucking electronic assault of crap played out loud on devices. I've spoken up in the past, but have also been too shy on occasion, I'm ashamed to admit, so instead have stewed in a kind of passive aggressive fury, shooting filthy looks (a completely ineffective approach, by the way 😂)

I think you were right to write the manager, and I would also perhaps inform them that as long as the situation continues they will have lost your custom and presumably the custom of others, so they might want to think about balancing lost revenue and creating a reasonable environment for all patrons. FFS, this woman has lived much of her life without TikTok, surely she can adapt. (though she's probably always been the type to play her radio too loud, etc)

TwinklySquid · 08/08/2025 17:07

I’d be tempted to leave a review , if they have a way of doing it. Something like “ lovely cafe, with great food. However, the cafe does allow people not to use headphones so not a place for working/ a quiet time.”

Unless the elderly couple are spending a lot each day, I can’t see why they are putting their needs above other customers.

MeridianB · 08/08/2025 17:33

Well done for emailing. Hope they see sense.

TigerRag · 08/08/2025 18:03

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 14:36

You’re working in a public place, it’s not your office, it’s a cafe. If you’re concerned about distractions work in an office or from home not in public. Do you expect people to not talk either incase they distract you?

It's not the woman's personal space to make as much noise as she wishes

chaosmaker · 08/08/2025 18:19

It doesn't matter what OP was doing in the cafe. She was not making noise that irritated everyone else to the point that someone had to comment on it to her.

LittleBitofBread · 08/08/2025 18:30

Bearlionfalcon · 08/08/2025 16:40

@Renamed it's bonkers isn't it?

It's perhaps slightly ridiculous of me but found myself feeling slightly annoyed that she and her anti social tik tokkery seem to have 'won'....

Rather than leave a bad review, which felt a bit unfair as the cafe is really nice apart from this woman, I have decided in the first instance to email the manager of the cafe as I noticed they do have a feedback email address.

I've explained the issue, including the disappointing response from the wet lettuce staff member (may not have used these exact words) and to ask if they'd consider putting in place any policy around device noise, asking customers who use electronic devices to do so with the sound turned down or with headphones.

Feels like a reasonable request?! Hopefully will get a better response

@LilacReader I totally agree, that's just not on. Also the fact it was Paw Patrol - one of the worst kids shows ever conceived of- makes it worse. Can't believe the cabin crew didn't say anything?!

That's great, OP. I'll be interested to see how they respond.

ClaredeBear · 08/08/2025 18:34

Astrabees · 07/08/2025 10:14

Why is her age a factor? YANBU about her not using headphones but YABVVU to be so ageist.

I don’t think so, hearing impairment is more likely to be a factor, plus she might well be of a generation who never uses headphones, so I think it’s relevant.

chaosmaker · 08/08/2025 18:46

ClaredeBear · 08/08/2025 18:34

I don’t think so, hearing impairment is more likely to be a factor, plus she might well be of a generation who never uses headphones, so I think it’s relevant.

I never use headphones so I either watch/play things with the sound muted or I read instead. Irrelevant comment.

TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:02

dynamiccactus · 08/08/2025 16:25

Love it!

Honestly I had a migraine starting and hearing what his girlfriend did was making me feel queasy. I used to work for the vice squad, I've seen and heard a lot but I wasnt in the mood that day.

Seymour5 · 08/08/2025 19:05

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 14:36

You’re working in a public place, it’s not your office, it’s a cafe. If you’re concerned about distractions work in an office or from home not in public. Do you expect people to not talk either incase they distract you?

I don’t understand comments like this. I don’t work in cafes, I’m retired, and older than the anti social thick tokker. I don’t want to hear it when I’m relaxing with my book, or chatting (normal volume) to my friend. It’s intrusive, and very rude. Someone working quietly on a tablet or laptop doesn’t impact on my ears unlike the anti social noise makers whatever their age. I’ll just keep switching on bagpipe music!

TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:06

dynamiccactus · 08/08/2025 16:26

Again the cabin crew should be laying down the law and telling them to use headphones or get arrested at the other end. There's even less excuse for them to allow it on a plane. You can get up and leave a cafe, but you can't leave a plane. And the pilot's word is law, so if you are told to do something (or not) you do it (or not).

Can you be arrested for watching Paw Patrol? I'm chuckling picturing a three year old in handcuffs which isn't really funny so not sure why it tickled me.

My two year old GS would agree to it, he has a real a aversion to Paw Patrol.

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 19:18

TigerRag · 08/08/2025 18:03

It's not the woman's personal space to make as much noise as she wishes

It’s also not OPs personal work space to control what others do

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 19:20

Seymour5 · 08/08/2025 19:05

I don’t understand comments like this. I don’t work in cafes, I’m retired, and older than the anti social thick tokker. I don’t want to hear it when I’m relaxing with my book, or chatting (normal volume) to my friend. It’s intrusive, and very rude. Someone working quietly on a tablet or laptop doesn’t impact on my ears unlike the anti social noise makers whatever their age. I’ll just keep switching on bagpipe music!

What if I’m relaxing reading a book and you and your friend are sat talking next to me causing a distraction, does that mean I can ask you to stop talking?

Seymour5 · 08/08/2025 19:41

It’s quite socially acceptable to talk, not loudly, in cafes, pubs and on public transport, unless on one’s own. I can’t quite believe you didn’t realise.

Seymour5 · 08/08/2025 19:43

chaosmaker · 08/08/2025 18:19

It doesn't matter what OP was doing in the cafe. She was not making noise that irritated everyone else to the point that someone had to comment on it to her.

Exactly.

LarkspurLane · 08/08/2025 19:44

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 19:20

What if I’m relaxing reading a book and you and your friend are sat talking next to me causing a distraction, does that mean I can ask you to stop talking?

No. But if someone was blaring music from a phone you could.

Do you see these things as being different?

SatsumaDog · 08/08/2025 19:51

YANBU, she should be using headphones. Hopefully the cafe will have a word with her after reading your feedback.

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 19:56

LarkspurLane · 08/08/2025 19:44

No. But if someone was blaring music from a phone you could.

Do you see these things as being different?

Yes blaring music would be annoying, someone scrolling through TikTok videos yes could be distracting. When every table in a cafe is full and everyone is talking it does sometimes get loud but in a public place you can’t dictate what others should do. If OP finds it distracting then Op should take accountability for her own comfort and she should be the one to use earphones

chaosmaker · 08/08/2025 20:16

there really should be noise nuisance laws that cover stuff like this and make it illegal not to wear headphones and not have it so loud that tinny sound leaks out from the headphones either.