To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

Re "hobby job" surely what the OP is saying is that her friend could earn more but has chosen to go into a less well paid field for reasons of passion. I don't think there's anything offensive about that.

What's offensive is that OP calls it a hobby job as she thinks a 50k salary isn't much .

She’s said she doesn’t think it even qualifies as a salary at all!

But she knows her friend, and this might be true. I know women like this - Oxbridge educated, nice upper middle class London lifestyle, husband has high earning corporate job, wife quits corporate life to pursue a lower-earning but more personally rewarding career as a influencer/gallerist/podcast host - wife would not have done that without high earning husband. This is what I imagine the OP to be talking about.

I’ve got news for you, neither do the majority of people in this country.

Well my hobby is triathlon. If I could make £50k a year from it, I could give up the day job that only pays £29k.....😂 🤣

Seriously though, be a nice human, either club together, pool funds and book somewhere nice for all of you, or tell her what you're planning and leave her to find better friends.

In this scenario they all have loads of disposable income.

There was no need to mention the friend's salary at all, and it seems that she just has different priorities.

You would rather stay at a nicer hotel than spend time with your friend? Is it really worth excluding someone just for a bit more luxury? If you were a real friend to this person, you would be able to make that sacrifice.

I totally get what you mean about setting a precedent, if you pay for her she will expect that and then prob start taking the piss. She would prob also expect people to cover her drinks etc and then that convo gets very uncomfortable. Been there. I would say either you tell her you're going, you want somewhere luxurious and she's welcome to come, or that she can join you next time, somewhere more affordable. I dont agree that you should go somewhere worse just so she can afford it but at the same time, you have to be OK with her joining you less if she always assumes she can't afford it.

Why should they have to pool funds to pay for her? Where does it stop then, do they also pay for all of her meals and drinks? And what point do they start resenting her for going then? Why can't they go to a nice place and offer the option or say next time they will go somewhere more affordable? It's their holiday too, they shouldn't have to go somewhere shitty bc it's all she can afford.

@TarzanGirl I think you’ve worded it badly but I can see where you are coming from. There’s chat about a trip to NYC next year for a big birthday, some can afford it and some can’t. Some are single, some have families, for some it would be the only holiday and others it’s the only holiday.

I’ve suggested we do something everyone can afford as a group celebration of the big birthday (school friends so all turn 40 at the same time) but accept that 2 or 3 might go to NYC and stay in a fancy hotel. I can’t afford it but I can’t stop them either.

Wish I was "only earning £45k on a hobby job!" guessing that means something on the side.
If she was a true friend I'd choose something that she can afford to come to.
If you choose somewhere she can't afford she's going to say she can't afford it, and feel upset you chose something knowing she can't afford it and feel you all did it on purpose

That’s not how it needs to work though. You can stay in very expensive hotels that are a cheap flight away ( Nice flight for example - to Cannes/St Tropez/Monaco). Op can get the private jet, mate can EasyJet for £50
They could get a suite rather than individual rooms. Or Ops friend gets the cheapest room subsided by the others.
Good meals out and drinks are at every price point. There’s nothing to say Ops friend hasn’t got the money for that - just not everything high end.

Fair enough, if there is a way to make it work so that OP can have the holiday she wants and friend can afford it, fine, but if not then she just goes to the next one she can afford. Either way our holiday time is there to spend how we want, either her friend can afford or can't, she certainly can't blame them for not being able to afford it, at the same time if they always do stuff she can't afford then yeah, she's probably better off with some new friends but I don't think anybody is saying that.

Fair enough, if there is a way to make it work so that OP can have the holiday she wants and friend can afford it, fine, but if not then she just goes to the next one she can afford. Either way our holiday time is there to spend how we want, either her friend can afford or can't, she certainly can't blame them for not being able to afford it, at the same time if they always do stuff she can't afford then yeah, she's probably better off with some new friends but I don't think anybody is saying that.

Compared to what the rest of the group earns, 50k is ‘only’, and limits her 🤷🏻‍♀️

The majority of you want to go and enjoy a specific type of holiday, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You clearly have been mindful and inclusive, but being mindful and inclusive doesn’t mean you have to restrict yourselves every time.

I would invite her though. Hiding it could be stressful for you all, and her finding out later would likely be far more damaging to the friendship than honesty now.

What's more important to you, the quality of a hotel where you'll stay for a few nights, or your friendship with your lower earning friend?

As a lower earning person (part-time teacher) I'd be very sad if friends I always holidayed with went without me to somewhere I couldn't afford. Part of being a good friend is kindness and compassion. Friends aren't all exactly the same or 'equal' in terms of family circumstance, earnings, health etc.

Agreed although I think a lot of this might be down to what her friend expectations are.
I only have one friend I am comfortable going away with. She also travels a lot. I am always welcome when I can afford to tag along. Mostly she goes with other better off friends. She has subsided the hotel on a couple of occasions though ( for my or her birthday).

I am also perfectly happy with my nice holidays that DH pays for or cheap ones paid for by myself.

Private jet?! We earn six figures not seven 😂😂

Flippin' heck, I'm a teacher and I don't earn "45/50k" - mine is definitely not a "hobby job"!

50k is not lower earning by anyone's standards.

You say that the hobby job friend only earns 45/50k but her DH has a good job so clearly money is no object. Perhaps she is more frugal with her cash and doesn't want to go to the flashy hotels you want to.

Perhaps she was trying to wriggle out of it last year but you changed hotels to accommodate her. If I were her, I, too, would be trying to wriggle out of a holiday with you and your snobby friends

I've never earned more than 26k in my life - and that was a management job. (I don't live in the south). Currently on just over 22k a year which is pretty much min wage - and I manage on that

Context matters. She didn’t say her friend is a lower earner compared to wider society. She said that her friend is a lower earner comparative to the rest of this specific friendship group, because she is.

She also said that her friends husband earns well - I would question how expensive this holiday is if someone who earns 50k a year and has another income coming into the home can't afford it