To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

Yuck. 'Hobby job.' Piss off.

I have one friend who has a lot less disposable income than the other two of us, not on the level of money you are talking about as I’m the higher earner and don’t earn much more than your friend’s “hobby job” (how insulting).
Anyway, we tend to be really open, we invite our friend and she chooses what she can and wants to do. We’ve paid for a weekend away for her birthday, sub sometimes if she can’t afford it and at other times give notice so she has longer to save. We have also done things without her but it’s always open and talked about. We really like her company and are happy to help out so we can enjoy things together.

Wiry friends like you, who need enemies.

Completely agree. Obviously calling a 50k job a hobby job or suggesting it’s a low income is ridiculous but in terms of the rest of it I really don’t see why they should pick a different hotel or subsidise the friend, sounds like she could technically afford it but is prioritising different things which is fine. Doesn’t make any of them bad friends imho though I would never go behind friend’s back about it.

I have friends much wealthier than me, and who have far less than me (well, before COVID retired me, anyway)

Wealthy friends fancy an outing for a Michelin starred tasting menu : invite everyone, I would decline with no hard feelings.

Agreed few days camping with less well off mates: fab , it’s something we all enjoy. (Including the wealthy ones, actually… they bring the drinks!)

I wouldn’t have ever wanted subsidising for the fine dining, nor to make them feel they shouldn’t go. But if they had treated me for my birthday… bring it on!

But I am confident that none of them were so dismissive of my job or income. As I wasn’t about less well off friends.

MN world rarely bears any resemblance whatsoever to the world I - and I'd imagine most of us - live in. If everyone on here really is in the top 1% of earners, then why are they all dicking about on a message board all day long instead of performing in their top-earning jobs?

…..and yet, on hundreds of threads, ‘£100,000 is not a high salary’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ you can’t win! OP, tell her you’re going to whichever hotel you choose, if she can’t afford to go, then she won’t be able to join you…she chose the last time.

Pay for her between you - clearly money isn't an object. Or are you lacking in generosity as well as grace?

I think your friend may be relieved to be honest.

You sound very snobby, especially regarding the "hobby job" that ONLY earns around 40/50k what an awful attitude to have
My other half earns less than that as a full time class 1 hgv driver and works damn bloody hard and long hours too!
I suggest you tell her where your going and let her decide but i wouldnt want to go with friends with your attitude

[disclaimer I'm going to end up sounding like a gawking peasant on this post - I promise I'm a normally civilised adult woman really!]

To be fair to the OP, I can see why they don't always want to compromise on accommodation etc. A luxury holiday is just so different from a normal one. I used to do a lot of solo shoe string travelling (not any more because I can't even afford that 😆) and you could see the disparity in holidaying choices so clearly in some places. The most stark I can think of were Rio, Morocco and Athens. In many ways I don't think I'd want to swap my version of travelling in dodgy little hostels often in literal slums as it creates memories and stories for life (assuming you do actually survive - definitely hasn't always fel like a guarantee for me!) but walking past huge hotels where guests pull up in taxis, are met by uniformed doormen who put cases on wheeled gold cages and walk into huge, marbelled air conditioned lobbies ready to be taken to rooms that can cost more for 1 night than I'm paying for my entire holiday including travel was an eye opener. I went into some of the lobbies to look around and - wow! I'm assuming they also have beautiful restaurants, swimming pools etc. I can see why that can become an essential part of being on holiday if you can afford it. Even a lovely, expensive villa requires guests to shop, cook and clean which lots of people don't want to do on holiday.

So I'd have no issue with my friends inviting me on a holiday like that and saying no to it. I wouldn't want them to change it for me. But I would want to be invited, I'd be devastated at a secret holiday.

Just to be clear - I’ve done plenty of hostel type stays in my past and been happy to ‘slum it’ to suit my budget.

I don’t think my friends and I should be restricted in where we stay every year though. We compromised last year, but don’t want to again this year. You only get one life of course.

The replies have made me realise I was silly to suggest we go away secretly, so thanks for the input on that, and apologies to anyone offended by my clumsy wording!

But OP doesn't have to "always" compromise on accomodation. This is one of several holidays this year.

She does need to compromise of she wants to holiday with this friend.

Reading your latest post, it sounds like you have already made your decision.

Your friend might not be bothered in the slightest but she might be really upset so you need to think about how are you going to handle that if she is.

If she is upset, as long as you’re ok with that, then 🤷‍♀️
You are purposefully excluding her though, I’m not sure I’d be able to get past that.

The polite thing to do would be offer her the option.

The fact that you’re contemplating trying to go without her finding out paints you in a poor light. Your posts are disdainful of your friends career and life choices and honestly are coming across as a poor friend and perhaps it’s best for the friend to know this so she can make informed choices about the people she wants to surround herself with.

Of course you should be able to enjoy the fruits of your labour and go where you want - it’s the rest of what you’ve said that is the problem.

You are leaving her out either way.

I don't really get why you can't cover some costs. A suite in a good hotel gives you separate bedrooms. You could pay the difference between that and a cheaper hotel and still get an elevated experience compared to a normal room.

Some people exist very well on much less than 50k. It's the fact that you don't seem to grasp that 50k is a decent salary for many people that's doing you zero favours.

Severely limiting earning potential

At 50k.

That is all.

Your friend needs better friends than you 😂 can’t believe she’s a good friend if you’ve even suggested going away in secret without her and hope she doesn’t find out. Pretty shit of you OP.

at the expense of a salary

How the hell is 50k NOT a salary?!!!

You're living in another world

Since when was 50k a crap salary?

£45- 50k is "severely limiting earning potential". The fact that you can say that so blithely just shows how utterly ignorent you are.

Just tell her that you don’t consider what she does to be a real job, that she is heavily subsided by her husband - the real breadwinner in her household, and that she doesn’t meet your criteria for “success”.b

That should sort it.

Oh, and let us know how we can support this 50k “hobby” of hers. I’d love to see her become “successful”.

You clearly don’t live in London

Definitely invite her. Can't you subsidise her a bit too??