To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

I did wonder if there was a limited availability on bigger sized pads for pools. He is very big for his age and would need adult sized ones. I just sort of presumed they were available for complex needs adults (for things like hydrotherapy) but then maybe they are prescription only?

Stop having them in your home and agree to meet in the middle of where you both live.
Maybe at a soft play centre or park?

Your children’s happiness and well being is more important than a coffee with your friend.
If needs be, stick to just talking on the phone.

As well as the meeting in a mutual place idea, what if you just kept the visits to you visiting them for a while? Then you can leave when you like or need to. Also, I think I’d find it hard not to tell the kid off for continually breaking your kids’ stuff! I get that they are SEN but do they break stuff everywhere? Libraries? School? Their own home? How severe are their needs? I’m sure not all SEN kids go round breaking everything? Your friend also should really be making noises about replacing these broken items even if you then say no it’s okay. Hope you find a good way through this without upsetting ur friend. I also have a friend with feral kids but when we are together I just tell them off as if they are my own and she seems kind of grateful that someone is taking a firm hand and having rules. They are not SEN tho… just unruly!

No im not. This is so frustrating.

SEN mum is not acting “me & mine” first. Per the OP’s first post she is doing her best. We support the people with the greatest need.

And words like “boundaries” are often used to get us out of something that would be kind or supportive but often inconvenient.

She would be acting 'me and mine first' if she declines to meet somewhere other than OP's home. Then she is saying that she doesn't care that the behaviours negatively impact OP's children and OP as long as her needs are met.

OP's need and her children's needs are important too. Especially in their own home where it's is most appropriate to have boundaries.

Social services supports the people with the greatest need first. Private citizens in their own homes are not expected to use their home to offer support to their detriment. A home should be a safe place for those who live there.

OP is being kind and supportive by trying to meet both needs and continue the friendship.

You are either just being goady or your lack of comprehension and understanding about children with SEN is almost unbelievable. Do you actually believe that children with learning disabilities can just stop being disabled with a bit of discipline and harsh parenting?

If you don't understand the difference between a badly behaved child with no disabilities and a child with learning disabilities and Special Educational Needs, even after many people have explained the difference, you should just leave this thread as you are unable to make a intelligent contribution due to your sheer ignorance and inability to learn. Do you believe that physically disabled people in wheelchairs just need a bit of discipline and tough love and then they should be able to get up and walk? You are unbelievable in your ignorance and lack of empathy.

I agree that the OP is clearly a kind & supportive person.

Nobody wants their house trashed. I feel very sorry for the friend that she can no longer go into her friends homes, that feels very othering. I get that some people won’t think it’s a big deal. But to me it’s another thing that most people take for granted that the friend can’t do.

This is what parents are disabled children are up against.

And that's one of the hard things about having a child with disabilities. You do have to accept there are things you can't do that others take for granted. If OP's friend can't understand why OP want to find other arrangements to meet, then that is a problem with her. You can understand the other perspective, feel very sad about it and that you can't just go round for coffee, and work with what you can do. OP could just walk away but she's not. She's looking for a way to make the friendship work.

It being hard for her friend doesn't mean OP isn't right to put limits on her home as a venue.

Fortunately people quite that ignorant aren't that common. In general I do find most people supportive.

I think you’re missing the point. No matter what causes the child to be destructive, the OP and her children should not be subjected to it.

wow, what a thread. OP made it clear how friend is struggling with DC's disability, the girl seems quite severely affected, how isolated the mum is as and here we are, 14 pages of posters kicking down the mum for being lazy, lacking understanding, the child called destructive, naughty etc.

I agree the OP shouldn't put up with it but there are ways to deal with it but the sheer barrage of posts vilifying the very isolated lone parent of a severely disabled child are somewhat disturbing.

Mumsnet really loves a thread where posters can bash a disabled child the the struggling parent.

Disabled dc don’t all destroy the toys of others though. Thats not something the op and her family should have to put up with and the parents of dc with disabilities I know would be upset too.

Of course parents have to accept some dc cannot do all that others can. The mum of the autistic child isn’t following her child around and maybe she should?

We had a family member who wasn’t autistic but broke things. We had playing cards and a few would be pushed under the skirting boards. He tampered with a neighbours bike and threw stones at a dog and scribbled in books. To name just a few things. Dm wanted to see her family but it was manning the barricades when they arrived and everything we valued was put away but obviously you cannot put all toys away. We dreaded the visits.

I do therefore understand the problem. No one spoke to our relatives about this and the dc in question ended up in a YO prison by age 17. We never had toys in our bedrooms though and we shoved our valued belongings under the bed! I think if you cannot say no to visits, you have to prepare but unfortunately your friend does need to be more vigilant and you only allow playing in one room. The room you are in. No wandering around. Also maybe get toys in from a charity? Clear yours into boxes in the loft?

Of course it is, and that’s why I said look at ways to protect their stuff.

Ime the toys was the least of if, and as I said upthread the child was trying to heft the television off its stand and a heavy mirror off the wall.

It is really awkward if the parent - and I can only begin to appreciate how difficult their life is - stands by and you have to be the bad guy when the child can’t help their behaviour.

Passive aggressive locking everything up and sitting in… where? The garage? is not practicable so it’s probably just best to keep suggesting neutral ground. If the guest drops in unexpectedly then it’s going to have to be everyone corralled in one room.

@MaturingCheeseball In the extreme, it’s not suitable to have the Sen child in the house. However the mum needs to be more vigilant I’m afraid.

Ime the toys was the least of if, and as I said upthread the child was trying to heft the television off its stand and a heavy mirror off the wall.
It is really awkward if the parent - and I can only begin to appreciate how difficult their life is - stands by and you have to be the bad guy when the child can’t help their behaviour.

@MaturingCheeseball that's just horrendous - but I don't think I would have any trouble being the bad guy if someone was trying to smash mirrors and TVs in my house!!!

I’m not missing the point. I just don’t agree with the cause not mattering.

I’m not sure about the last paragraph but in general I agree with you. The words used to described the mother on this thread & so othering.

For example, it’s not others issue that she’s “unable to cope”. I wouldn’t be able to cope! Hanging out with friends is an opportunity to take a break from the daily demands & I don’t have a SEN child!

I think the harsh reality is a lot of people see both disabled kids & their parents are “not like us”. And people increasingly focus on their own needs and wants ahead of others.

Hence the OP being bashed for not putting her childen first as if it has to be a contest between being a good mother & being a good friend.

What probably got everyone’s backs up including mine, is the mother’s audacity to say it’s just material things. Who is she to say that. And she didn’t even offer to replace the toys. Not to mention she didn’t even apologise.
why feel sorry for her, when she clearly only thinks about herself.
how can anyone sit there, watch their child trash a place or some other child toy and not do anything to make it right.

As one of those 'othered mothers' with a SEN child, I can accept that my child isn't like yours and I don't expect anyone to put up with a negative impact of their behaviour when it is causing hurt and upset to others. I don't expect people to pretend my child is like theirs or turn a blind eye to issues because they have SEN.

What I would appreciate is someone who can acknowledge the issues, be honest about any problems, and then make suggestions or work with me to find a way forward where we are both equally happy with the situation. That's a true a friend.

My needs don't trump yours in your home because my child has SEN. They might in my home, but not in yours.

I think, genuinely, the “just material objects” attitude comes from having to manage difficult situations all day long.

When you’ve spent your day literally cleaning excrement off the walls, you have to develop a sort of “ah well, worse things happen at sea!” attitude to it, or you’d be forever stressed by the destruction.

We bought a new iPad in January - it’s broken. We’ll probably make it to 3 by the end of the year. Material objects lose value when your child so consistently can’t respect them.

That doesn’t mean we should be imposing that on others, but I can see why she feels the way he does. When everything is so difficult, things have to start to not matter or you’d be miserable. It’s a coping strategy.

I don’t think it would be acceptable for me to dismiss my child breaking something, but to me it also sounded like SEN mum is a big broken from the stress of it all.

She necessarily being rude or dismissive she’s just broken from it all.

OP has good things to say about her otherwise.

I've found, most of the SEN parents who are isolated are the ones who won't acknowledge the affect their lack of parenting affects other people.

Both my children are autistic/adhd. We get invited lots of places by lots of different friends. I have a friend whose child is also autistic and they rarely get invited anywhere because the mum does absolutely nothing but blame other people for the child's behaviour/reactions and get angry at other children for being upset ect

No one wants to be around someone if being around them just brings stress and upset