To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

I think I would let it go. And meet elsewhere.

@KimbleThimble can I suggest when she messages and asks for a visit that you reverse it around and then go stay with her/visit her instead?

As said in previous posts I have a few friends with autistic children. One of which I have known since he was 18 months old (he's now 17). We did as you did of trying to accommodate etc. Actually found the best option for everyone was for us to visit instead - we still visit but now get an air bnb. This allows her DS to be comfortable within own setting but also come to us in his own time and he has his safe space.

Amazing, thank you! I’ve saved those, shall give them a try and hope there are less escapees haha.

It's not noble to be a good friend at the expense of being a good mother.

I still remember my mother lending one of my most prized possessions to someone against my wishes and protests, and how that person utterly destroyed it beyond repair. It's an item that I'd probably have loved and had great sentimental value even today. On the surface it's not really a big deal but it really hurt.

You have just managed to perfectly articulate what I think about a lot of posters on here re the ‘me and mine’ lot

I find this quite hard to understand. I have two autistic children. They are able in different ways but my 7yo is like a toddler in terms of cognition and interests - still like Coco Melon and Baby Shark. He’s hard on stuff and whilst not destructive deliberately, he’s like a rhino and crashes around with no awareness of his physical presence.

Therefore I only take him places I know are suitable, I absolutely do NOT leave him unsupervised and would not allow him to roam around someone’s house. I take toys and books he’s familiar with, snacks, and if he shows signs of being ‘on one’ we leave.

This sounds like a parenting issue to me. I’d be absolutely gutted if my son had destroyed other peoples belongings.

You say she won’t get a break if she supervises constantly - how is it a relaxing break if at the end there’s wreckage.

I think you need to address it with her. And she may well be in denial but that doesn’t mean your home gets to be destroyed.

I have a disabled child I will probably care for until I drop dead. Yes, it's isolating. That doesn't mean it's acceptable for them to negatively impact other people's children and lives.

The solution here is to meet out of OP's home. If her friend won't accept that (after all, OP and her children have needs too), then she's not a good friend herself.

I think OP can protect her children and home and still be a good friend. If her friend won't accept any proposed solutions, or propose workable ones herself, then the friend's inflexibility and expectation that people should tolerate anything from her child is the problem.

As a whole, western society is more inclusive and educated regarding disability today than it was in the 90s.

Having kindness and empathy does not mean you should be willing to allow your home to be trashed, or for your children to be ‘distraught’ (no kindness, understanding and empathy for them apparently, they just have to put up and shut up).

Yes, OP’s friend’s situation is shit. Her situation being shit does not mean OP or her children have to accept what having the child in their home unfortunately brings. None of this is OP’s fault, and she’s fully justified in saying ‘no more’.

Me too.

I absolutely agree that OP’s friend either needs support to manage the situation (leave, remove from the environment, etc) or should be flexible to changing how and where they meet up.

I just find comments from people who’ve never lived a day in this woman’s position, but call her lazy, taking the piss and making out she permits that behaviour, both uninformed and rude.

She’s likely worn out, being a lone parent to a disabled child, and sounds like she’s really struggling.

That doesn’t mean something doesn’t need to change, but the tone some people speak about disabled children and their parents with is completely unnecessary.

That's the place I'm at. My disabled child should be graduating university or in the workforce. But that's the hand life dealt me and I have to make the best of it.

The problem is that this issue of OP's isn't something that happened once that can be moved on from. It's every time.

OP's friend doesn't have to be isolated if she accepts visits from OP in her own home, meets at another location, or finds some other way to have the friendship without OP's children having to be distressed every time she visits.

Yes, you can have kindness and empathy - and boundaries.

I would t be putting up with that, Meet them at her house /park /cafe. Or have better Boundary’s if you let this child visit your home again! Lots of mums these days don’t want kids in there houses cause so many kids is so poorly behaved like the one you mention. parenting has gone down the pan…

dont let anyone trash your house!

This. Too many people are much to
scared to tell poorly behaved kids off. Any kid in my house follows my rules 👍

The child isn’t ’poorly behaved’ they lack understanding.

Butt you're arguing against yourself here. The 'me and mine' ahead of others is exactly what's happening and you're saying you're against for op and her dc but support when it's the friend?

I am Not from a rich or posh background but when I was a kid no kid behaved liked that. If you visited someone’s house you sat on the sofa or played in the garden. You ate what you was given, you did t hassle adults. You didn’t go to bedroom to play unless you was told you can. you didnt go around trashing any items either. If you so much dared to disturb the peace you got a good hiding from any adult present.

So many mums don’t bother parenting these days. I see it on buses, cafes, parks. They also get angry if you tell there naughty kid off. 🙄

Do you lack basic comprehension? The child has SPECIAL NEEDS.

Okay.

Well some children very much disturb the peace. My peace, is thoroughly disturbed.

We also don’t give him a “good hiding” and precisely zero other adults are permitted to do that either.

this in buckets. I’m fed up of many younger mums these days who ignore poor behaviour in there kids. I see it everywhere and even my own kids hate it.

My kid sometimes licks elbows. Do your kids like that?

Give it a rest, why should she hide and do all that stuff because a soft mum lets her naughty child wreck the house? The mum needs to teach her own child to behave as a guest should. If that child can’t behave then he stays home. Simple. He needs to learn a lesson. If he carry’s on like that when he’s a man he will be in real trouble. 🙄

Good question. Whats the betting she doesn’t, she’ll probably buy her child a treat instead and talk about big feelings.

My god. Can you stop ranting on and READ?

The child isn’t naughty, and won’t be “taught a lesson.” She’s. Got. Special. Needs.

She’s also a little girl. So won’t be a man. And when she’s a grown woman, she will still have special needs.

I’m failing to understand why you think she should change her house because the mum let her child wreck it. This was unheard of when I was a kid. The onus was on us to behave as guests should !

Let’s hope you don’t have an autistic or SEN grandchild down the line cuz you clearly don’t possess the empathy for it