To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Thats not true in our case.

We’re largely isolated by the the nature of our child’s needs.

He has extreme social anxiety and can’t cope with spending any extended time with anyone who isn’t his very immediate family, and one set of grandparents. He won’t even go near aunties, uncles or cousins. Not without meltdown and asking to leave. We can’t host those people at ours, because he kicks them out. Or tears the house apart.

When he is around others, including other children, he becomes very disregulated and then destructive. He can also be destructive in play, and cannot share toys or equipment.

We try and socialise him, but inevitably have to leave because he’s either in crisis or damaging the belongings of others. Removing him from the situation slowly teaches him not to destroy things (very slowly) but also means we’re in the same position as OP’s friend.

We do try and teach him sharing skills, and to not break other people’s stuff, but doing that involves exposing him to others, and them at least witnessing the behaviour. We can’t teach him not to do something if he never gets the opportunity to do/not do it.

Very important point. That sounds very difficult.

To this posters point how are children who would benefit from socialisation supposed to learn social skills if other people insist on only meeting them in parks or their own environment etc?

And what if the OP’s children decide they don’t want to meet this child anymore? From the tone of this thread I think a lot of people would say OP’s children need their boundaries respected.

And does that leave us? Disabled children’s worlds get smaller and smaller, and the disabled become less a part of society in the name of boundaries.

They may benefit from those social skills, but that doesn’t translate into an entitlement to have them provided.

OP has already said their respective children aren’t friends, and don’t have a relationship. Of course they should have those boundaries respected - they’re people with their own autonomy, not tools to be used regardless of their own feelings.

I just wanted to share my own experience to add some perspective - my SEN daughter will destroy toys and material items if I’m not closely supervising. It isn’t done out of spite or because she is ‘badly behaved’. She’s non-verbal and doesn’t understand that things can be broken or that items belong to other people.

If we’re ever invited over to someone’s house where they don’t have the same lived experience then I make sure that I follow her closely and intervene if she tries to play with something unsuitable or does anything dangerous. TBH it’s pretty stressful so I do try to avoid those situations if I can. I tend to mostly socialise with other SEN parents (met through groups) because we all understand the challenges and it makes things a lot easier.

I think you have had some good suggestions in this thread so it’s completely up to you to decide whether or not you can make adjustments or stop having her over. It’s your house so you have the final say.

My personal opinion is that you need to have an open and honest conversation with her otherwise resentment is going to continue to build and will ultimately damage the friendship. Focus on discussing constructive solutions so you can help make meetings less stressful for everyone. You clearly both value each other so hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle.

Wishing you all the best.

“Entitlement” to “tools”, “boundaries” it’s all just spin and language to get society out of having to deal with the disabled.

My son finds the autistic girl in his class too loud. But I managed not to tell him he is entitled not to have his peace disturbed, and that he doesn’t need to be a tool for her developing social skills.

Instead I tried to explain to him why she is loud. And as he grows older I will consistently try to teach him the values of kindness & inclusion. Because my son isn’t entitled to a world free of the disabled.

Ooof this is really bad

@KimbleThimble did she not say anything when these things happened? Especially when the children's things got broken?

I mean what was your friend's reaction to this?

No, he’s not. But that doesn’t mean he has to take on the responsibility of disabled people who are being let down by the people who are responsible for them. And I say that as a disabled person myself. This poor child is having her horizons limited by a parent who thinks the rest of the world is responsible for the fact that she has a disabled child - to the point where she thinks other people should shoulder the responsibility for the damage they cause. Totally unreasonable.

That's why I said most and not all,

My children have struggled with friendships/socilalising for years it is only since becoming friends with other SEN parents that they have had more of a social life and their behaviour has been accepted more, because we now spend time with people like us. But I've still come across SEN parents where they are too rigid in their own views and ways to be around other children sen or not.

People have to find their tribe

Honestly? Their parents need to find them their own group of friends who have similar brain processing to them. They do so much better with children who think and feel like them because they understand each other, it comes with pro's and cons because they can rub each other the wrong way too .... but sen friendships are easier to navigate.. I have found in Mt personal experience

Mine are 8 and 10 and it's only since being diagnosed and spending time with other sen kids that their friendship groups have wide-eyed. They don't have any neurological friends and their both much happier these days.

There's lots of meet ups and things for SEN children, you just have to look for it. My children's world has got bigger and more exciting since being diagnosed and joining sen groups.

Well, quite.

I do think it’s a shame that disabled children can’t be part of the non-disabled tribe without threads like this popping up. We’d like him to be able to integrate more with wider society, not just our SENd bubble.

I don’t think OP’s friend is actually managing the destruction her child is bringing particularly well, she sounds like she’s really struggling. You also can’t just expect everyone to get on board with the way your child behaves, but some of the comments on this thread have been horrendous.

Me too, I wish my children didn't struggle like they didn't and I didn't have to manage to much all the time. I have friends with older neurological children who have seemed to breezeed through life and it does make me sad...... but it is what it is...... we have all only been diagnosed within the last year and for us personally it's just been so much easier and nicer to find our own people rather than keep trying to fit into a world not yet built for us.

I've spent over 20 years trying to be around wider society and really struggling..... I don't want that for my kids. I just want them to be around people who accept them for who they are

I hope none of my messages have come across as horrendous..... I understand both sides as I have been the parent of a child who can't cope with others and I'm also the parent who can't cope with others coming round to ours

That’s really lovely to read and It’s great that you are encouraging your son to be so understanding and supportive. My daughter makes loud noises either when she’s distressed or because she enjoys the sensory feedback. It’s not something that can—or should—be “fixed.” It’s just how she experiences a very confusing and overwhelming world.

No. I agree, that’s just not possible and anyone advocating it clearly doesn’t understand SEN. But it seems this parent isn’t making any attempt to mitigate the effects of her child’s disability and it really isn’t fair to put the consequences on the OP’s children and make them feel as though they just have to suck it up and accept that their stuff will be broken each time the child visits - if mum doesn’t support them then it sends the message that they have to take a back seat to disability. That’s a terrible message to send a child, and will feed in to their developing impression of what disability is about, and that’s not the way to encourage inclusion and empathy.

So disabled should just mix with disabled - is that what you’re saying ? Because it certainly seems like it. Are you usually this ableist or is it just on anonymous social media ?

Did I say that or did I say in my personal experience my children have found it easier?

Their parents need to find them their own group of friends who have similar brain processing to them. They do so much better with children who think and feel like them because they understand each other, it comes with pro's and cons because they can rub each other the wrong way too .... but sen friendships are easier to navigate.. I have found in Mt personal experience

Did I say they shouldn't or did i say the children find it easier?

The absolute cheek of you to try and say that I'm saying they should be segregated

Ablist for saying that they find it easier to be around people like them who understand them? Are you being serious

Do you usually twist people's words to suit your own victim mentality or is that just an anonymous online thing?

Agree. Where I part company is that it’s a coping strategy that should be inflicted on others. Op has her own children. They should not be forced to accept the damage inflicted on their belongings by another child, regardless of disability. And I’m sorry but having a disabled child does not entitle you to expect that it should.

Yes. I’m sorry if you find my words harsh. Been disabled all my life and worked for over twenty years as a disability outreach worker. The worst thing for disabled children - or disabled people in general - is to be restricted in contact only to other disabled people. It’s life limiting and at some point is unrealistic because as they get older contact with the able bodied world and integration into it is inevitable. I’m not twisting anyone’s words and as a disabled person I’m certainly not supporting a victim mentality.

But your the only person mentioning restricting and separating. I havnt one said that

They mask and struggle all day at school, potentially college, ect....... there is absolutely nothing wrong or separating to go and find them a group of people like them who understand and accept them for exactly who they are. It doesn't restrict them from society finding them a nice friendship group and they come across wider society in lots of different ways

I've disabled for over 20 years and I work with sen children.... I can see from my own experience and my own children how much it benefits them to be around people who are the same

You've took a twist on this that was never said nor meant the way you have decided to take it

Dismissing the above as ‘spin’ is a convenient way to dodge actually having to address the points raised.

They don’t want a child in their own home that destroys their belongings. That the child is disabled does not mean they have to accept this. Forcing it onto them does not magically mean they’ll graciously adopt the lesson you seem to think it will either, in fact it’s more likely to cement resentment and hostility, not just towards the child but towards their mother as well. Her responsibility is to them, not her friend.

Not wanting to deal with their personal space and belongings being trashed is not the same thing as advocating for a world free of dealing with the disabled. Personal space =\ public space.

This. I can’t think of a worse example of how to encourage inclusion and empathy.

@VeryAwkwardForMe

They mask and struggle all day at school, potentially college, ect....... there is absolutely nothing wrong or separating to go and find them a group of people like them who understand and accept them for exactly who they are. It doesn't restrict them from society finding them a nice friendship group and they come across wider society in lots of different ways

You are 100% correct.

My older son has just completed his first year at a specialist school for children with ASD. He specifically told us he wanted to be with more children like him. He has been transformed as have other children in his cohort. At least one child had been out of school for 2 years and now at 80% attendance. Truly life changing for these kids to be with people who get them and not having to try to fit in all day.

He has been empowered, not restricted.

I’m really not saying it won’t benefit them to be around people who have the same issues, but to the exclusion of all else will be damaging in the long run. I apologise if I’ve offended you, but I’ve worked in the field of the rights for all disabled people to be encouraged and supported to integrate and interact with society and to be accepted regardless of disability and your viewpoint doesn’t align with that. That’s my bad, and I take responsibility for that.

but I’ve worked in the field of the rights for all disabled people to be encouraged and supported to integrate and interact with society and to be accepted regardless of disability and your viewpoint doesn’t align with that

Your intent on implying that I think disabled people should be separated from society...... I literally have nothing left to say to you as your intent on twisting my words to suit your negative narrative.

I'm grateful everything I've said is in black and white because people like you are dangerous in real life

I can guarantee that no matter how much you think you are "struggling" with it, it doesn't even begin to compare to how much of an endless, horrific struggle the life of a parent of a child with severe autism is. Particularly a single parent.

It's just stuff. I cannot fathom how you and others on here can't see that. Your friend is already isolated - you've said so - and you're going to hurt her and isolate her even further?

If you have a child with severe SEN, particularly in this time in the UK where there's desperately little support, is one of the shittiest hands you can possibly be dealt. It's a life sentence. Have some compassion for god's sake, all of you.

That is how I feel. My children spend a lot of their time in the real world, they go to clubs, school, family functions, days out...... and they find it all really really difficult

The change I have seen in them both now their able to take that mask off and just be exactly who they are around their friends....

My dd used to self harm a lot before shebeas diagnosed. She really really struggled, her school attendance was low, her work wasn't where it should be

Her report this year has described a completely different girl. She hadn't hurt herself in God knows how long, she feels understood and doesn't feel alone anymore.... and that is because I found her a group of people just like her and her work effort has shot up.

I believe it's empowered my dd especially