To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Maybe you should give it a rest.

Even OP has said that it isn't the child's fault as she is DISABLED and has NO UNDERSTANDING.

You do know this is a child with special needs and not a naughty child? I don't think that means the behaviours don't need managing by finding meet ups that work for both parties and prevent destruction, but the child isn't naughty.

Back in the day they probably would have behaved because of coming to fear the 'good hiding', but giving children a good hiding isn't the done thing anymore, thank goodness.

You need to stop inviting her over. It's clear you want to give your friend some much-needed respite - but that can't be at the expense of your child/child's possessions.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it but I'd just suggest meeting in a park or similar from now on. There is however the matter of the broken toys. She'll likely get offended if you ask her to replace them, but you'd very absolutely within your rights to do so.

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

I think the issue is that OP has indicated that the friendship will be offended if she feels OP is managing her child in any way, such as stopping them going into bedrooms.
That's not on. The friend knows that things get broken and destroyed and has made it clear that in her view, that doesn't matter. She blames other friends for objecting.

She's causing her own isolation with her attitude.

I suggest you have a read about SEN. Your comments are extremely ignorant.

The child cannot comprehend ‘basic manners’ or ‘follow rules’ you imbecile - they have an INTELLECTUAL DISABILITY. I feel sorry for your kids if you are their source of learning, Jesus Christ 🤣

You're clearly just goading.

What doesn't make sense? There is a difference between a child who understands and is naughty and a child who is severely disabled and doesn't. It is very clear that this child is severely disabled.

It’s like telling a child who is paralysed from the waist down to ‘just walk’ - the ignorance is something else!

I know you're probably just bored and posting for a reaction but, in case you're for real, have you ever spent any time with a profoundly disabled child? I don't know this little girl but, reading between the lines, it sounds like she has the cognitive understanding and abilities of a young toddler. She can move around quickly but with little awareness of what she is doing and little understanding of instructions. If she chews a book up it's because she enjoys the sensation of the paper in her mouth and the book was there. It's not because she wants to upset her mum's friend's child by destroying their special book in direct defiance of her mum's request. If she gets told off she can't link the harsh tone of voice to the action of chewing up the book because she doesn't know it was wrong to do that and she can't learn that it was wrong. She can't learn manners or rules and she can't link them to consequences. OP said she is a happy little girl - she is not acting out. She is just responsing to her environment in the only way her brain can allow her to. Of course adults around her need to do everything possible to prevent her destroying things which is why not one person has said to sit back and let the situation continue as it is with no changes. But blaming the child for being disabled or the mum for doing nothing about her daughter's actions when previous posts make it clear she is trying are ridiculously unfair.

Well done for articulating this so well.

You got it wrong way round. 😂😂😂
No need to feel sorry for my kids who have got manners. I feel sorry for kids who don’t have manners cause their parents don’t teach them. That in turn effects my kids😡

are you that mum 🤡who let there 9–10 year old screaming son come into my changing cubicle today then told me he can’t help it and got cross with me for telling him to get out?(My 4 year old child knows not to do that) 🙄 odd that a child that age was even in a lady’s changing zone. I’m waiting for you to justify that or turn it back on to me😂

They can't be for real.

And they have a four year old and apparently believe in 'good hidings'. Poor kid.

Calling someone an imbecile is an offensive slur. If you want to advocate for people with disabilities, do better.

I’m bowing out gracefully now as you know the saying ‘can’t argue with stupid’ 🤣🤣🤣

It means ‘stupid’ you wet wipe - I know plenty of stupid people whom aren’t disabled.

Says the person who talks rubbish, thinks manners are not needed and reply back with two sentences. You have nothing smart to add. 🤡🤡🤡🤡

Nope, it is an offensive slur. But that is why you used it, because you are a bully.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/imbecile

I don't have time to keep replying to a bully who uses offensive slurs deliberately to try to scream people into silence, and I have to go now.

But be aware that everyone knows you are a bully who uses offensive slurs, and regardless of any comebacks you attempt, this will always be true.

If I have time later I will check in to see if you have any more frothing and shrieking to add, but in the meantime if I ignore you it is because I have better things to do, not because you have managed to bully scream or intimidate me into silence.

Well I wasn’t aware of its PREVIOUS meaning - it says ‘dated’ so it’s not a term ive ever linked to disability.
I’m far from a bully actually - I’m the mum of 2 disabled children who has had to change jobs to support my family so I found her ignorant comments rather triggering.
I find it quite rich that you’ve just pulled me for calling someone an imbecile (who has made a slew of stupid comments) and yet you’re throwing the word ‘bully’ around.

Babes, I could not possibly care less about your opinion. You’re a snowflake trying to sniff out something to be offended by. Adios :)

There's only one person talking rubbish here.

You are just goading anyway, you haven't even acknowledged the child's disability once. Not all children are capable of learning manners because they are DISABLED.

You sound like a lovely friend and as an SEN parent, I’d say you’ve really got two options:

Meet elsewhere – suggest meeting at her house or somewhere neutral. Lots of places now have SEN-friendly sessions that might work better.

Damage limitation at home – if they only visit occasionally then you could lock away anything precious in a bedroom upstairs. You can pick up some cheap toys from a charity shop or Facebook Marketplace for them to play with—so nothing breakable or sentimental.

You clearly care and that means a lot. I’m sure you can find a solution that works for everyone.

It’s the bit I probably struggle with most about it all. She will happily take the risk of him doing this even though it is grim, and it’s also so disruptive to everyone else in the pool. I can’t get my head round it as he wears a pad the rest of the time so I don’t know why she thinks being in a pool exempts him from one.