It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

MIL comes with me, DH & DC for Christmas at my parent’s house. We have invited his bother before too but he prefers to spend it with his girlfriend’s family. There’s loads of us there so 1 or 2 extra doesn’t really make a difference. They don’t stay over there though! We all live quite close together.

I’ve not voted either way because I don’t think either of you are BU really. I understand why he wants to invite them but it isn’t his invitation to extend.

I can’t imagine leaving just two people to a quiet Christmas while I enjoyed a great big jolly family affair. Seems very mean and if I was your DH I’d be really disappointed in you.

I agree, sorry.

I think it’s fine.

if you were hosting then absolutely invite them. But your mum is hosting so not appropriate.

surely the work of two extra guests doesn’t just fall on your Mum , if you’ve a big family don’t you all help her out ? I think you should extend them an invite

Just bloody invite them. Why wouldn't you?

So instead of 3 of them/4 of them when you got married there's now only the two of them?
How long have you been doing the alternating for?
I think he is being unreasonable as he is neither doing the shopping/prepping/cooking nor is he sticking to the arrangement he was presumably fine with last year, when it was their turn.

But OP’s mum might not want them there? Some people get anxious about things like that and OP has already said it’s a tight squeeze? if the husband is so bothered then he can go and spend it with his family?

I think it's pretty heartless to leave them out. Especially as your dh wants to invite them.

Also why would it all fall on your mum? Do none of you do anything to help out?

Ok thanks for answering and I see your point, but he still expects us both to go to his mum’s for Christmas in the alternating years. So essentially he would get to see his family every single Christmas, while I will never get to let my hair down properly with just my own family? And my poor mum has to run herself ragged… just doesn’t seem fair to me.

Do you all sit on your arses while your mum runs herself ragged?

Do they even want to go?

I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus

Given the choice between driving 6 hours one way to enjoy a big family Christmas, or staying at home, I’d be wishing for car problems, snow, road closures, something contagious, and I’d be eternally grateful if I had to stay at home!

I dream of the big Radio Times and a red felt tip pen.

If you were all helping your 'poor mum' wouldn't be run ragged would she? Anyway - the MIL and SIL may not want to be any part of the madness - what makes you think they'd accept the invitation?

I think it’s really unkind to leave your in laws out. I don’t understand why the extra two would make any difference in the cooking and organising. However, why is your mum being run ragged, why is everyone not chipping in?

My house is normally the host house, we can have up to 20 people but everyone does their bit which means I’m not running round any more than the rest of my family.

Christmas is not just the 25th of December. Spend this Christmas Day and Boxing Day with your family and then visit your inlaws on a weekend or overnight either before or after Christmas Day. Tell your DH that the celebration will be exactly the same, you can eat the same food and open the same presents. The only difference will be the date on the calendar. If you have DCs, Santa is also very good at coming a few days early or late to Granny or Grandad's house, or your own, you just need to ask him! I never will understand the obsession with 25th December. Why will that be so much better than the 28th or heaven forbid the 22nd? Surely it's about spending time with people you love regardless of the date?

It’s Christmas. Why don’t you and your in-laws let your hair down and accept that people might sit in the floor to eat and get tipsy? All work together to lighten the load and enjoy the festivities as a whole.

You're not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my in laws at my mum's house either. And nor would my mum! It's different having family to then having someone else spoils it for everyone. No!

We’re all very willing to help with cleaning, cooking, washing up etc. but she believes it’s the job of the host and bats us away. If one of us tries to even get our own drink she jumps out of her chair to get it for us. Like I say, I wish we could host at our house so I could command her to sit the f*ck down and not lift a finger for once

Your husband is being unreasonable. I would not be able to relax with my in-laws around. I love being able to completely unwind with my family. My inlaws are not 'unwind' with people. It's not your fault his family is so small, he is unreasonable to trying to guilt you. He is doubly unreasonable to expect to see his family every year whilst you have to share your family time with his.

This for me would be a hill to die on.

Wow your tone is unnecessary. Do you get a little kick out of being rude to people on the internet?
Have answered this question in response to someone else.

I can see both sides, but I voted YABU because now you’re married, his family are your family, just his side and your side. You could argue it’s semantics but the way you talk about ‘my own family’ really resists bringing your DH and his clan in to that circle. Treat MIL and SIL as your family, they are.

You also seem worried about setting a precedent, ‘never’ getting to see your family on your own again. You could do it this year and make it an act of love for your DH. They might surprise you. If it doesn’t go well, just don’t invite them again! Besides, life changes, in 2.5 years SIL might have a partner whose family she goes to and takes MIL along.

Also, obviously, suggest to your mum that the guests step up a bit more and e.g. pick different people to shop/cook for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

To everyone berating the op for not wanting to invite her in laws because "it's only 2 more". What if her siblings brought all their in laws too?

It's totally reasonable to want to spend it with just your family after doing the same with DH's last year. YANBU.

It’s very possible that they would decline the offer. But you can’t retract an offer once you’ve made it so I don’t want to offer in the first place.

It isn't even Stevens like that in a marriage. You have yours close by all the time, he doesn't.

You and your family have loads of each other. Your MIL and SIL have just themselves.

I think you should be gracious and invite them. For all you know, they may find it overwhelming and decline the invitation next time.

To be honest, if ever it were to be just me and dd, we'd have a marvellous time and feast on smoked salmon, champagne and films.

I can see both sides op, but we have been there and done that and have grown up children. There are rods for backs of course but one day there won't be mothers at Christmas, it will just be you and your DH.